Patrick King - How to Listen, Hear, and Validate: Break Through Invisible Barriers and Transform Your Relationships

By Patrick King

Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

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Chapter 1. Validation As a Communication Skill

Why validation is so important

Isnt validation the same as empathy?

Validationone of the clearest ways to express care

Validating the right way and in the right moment

Chapter 2. Validation The Basic Steps

Validation as Communicating Acceptance

How to Validate Someone The Framework

Step 1 How to be present: listen!

Step 2 How to reflect: ask questions

Step 3 How to mindread: Use feeling words

Step 4 How to find context: validate and center their experience

Step 5 How to normalize: refrain from judgment

Step 6 How to show genuine validation: Be real

Chapter 3. Invalidation and Self-Validation

What Is Invalidation?

Recognizing invalidation

Being a Good Communicator: How to Avoid Invalidating Others

Overcoming Invalidation

The path to self-validation

Chapter 4. Validation and Conflicts

Validation Is Not Agreement

Validating Amidst Disagreement

Three Rules for respectful, tactful disagreement

Changing the goal of interaction

Validation Even in Conflict

Chapter 5. Empathy: Beyond Validation

Validation vis-a-vis Empathy

Developing Empathy

Element 1: Open-mindedness

Element 2: Walking in their shoes

Element 3: Communicating acceptance

Chapter 6. Empathetic Communication

Empathetic Communication

Empathetic Listening

Making space

Reflecting

Reacting

Summary Guide

Chapter 1. Validation As a Communication Skill

Picture a couple having a discussion one day, that quickly turns heated. It goes a little something like this:

A: So the doctor called and they have the results from my test back

B: Oh my god, so what was the result?

A: Well, they said everythings clear. The first test was just a fluke, apparently. Theres nothing to worry about.

B: What?! Thats amazing! Im so glad to hear that! You must be so relieved

A: Well, actually, I dont know

B: Youre not relieved?

A: Its hard to explain. I guess Im a bitdisappointed? That sounds strange. But I was really kind of expecting a scary result. And I almost feel a bit let down? I know that sounds silly

B: That is silly. Youre crazy. You have no idea how lucky you are. We should go out to celebrate.

A: Uh, can we not? Im just not feeling it

B: Whats wrong with you? Youre being ridiculous. You dont mean to say you wish the test was positive ? Thats crazy

And so on. Can you imagine A continuing to try and explain how they really felt, with B rejecting the whole idea as bizarre, or even getting a little angry and judging A for not being grateful or excited? Consider how the conversation could have gone otherwise:

A: So the doctor called and they have the results from my test back

B: Oh my god, so what was the result?

A: Well, they said everythings clear. The first test was just a fluke, apparently. Theres nothing to worry about.

B: What?! Thats amazing! Im so glad to hear that! You must be so relieved

A: Well, actually, I dont know

B: Youre not relieved?

A: Its hard to explain. I guess Im a bitdisappointed? That sounds strange. But I was really kind of expecting a scary result. And I almost feel a bit let down? I know that sounds silly

B: No, its not silly. Can you explain what you mean? Im pretty relieved to hear youre OK, but you seem a little unsure

A: Yeah, I dont knowmaybe I had already mentally prepared myself for it being positive

B: Tell me more.

Imagine the conversation then moving on to A explaining how they feel and why, with B listening closely, not so they could argue against As feelings, but so they could better understand and support them, even if they did seem strange.

Whats the difference in the second conversation? The answer is validation.

In this book, were going to be looking at the power of validation: what it is, what it isnt, and how it can be used to deepen relationships, grow empathy and improve communication.

Validation is something that seems easy to understand conceptually, but can be subtle and difficult to grasp in real life. In trying to understand what validation is, it can be helpful to look at what it isnt .

In the first conversation, Bs attitude was dismissive. By calling A silly, crazy, and ridiculous, the message was clear: the way that A felt (and by extension, A themselves) was wrong. In fact, B asks, Whats wrong with you? and then proceeds to say how A should feel. Granted, this is an extreme example (B is definitely a jerk in this scenario!), but we can clearly see the spirit of invalidation.

When we invalidate someone, we deny their experience. We contradict them, undermine them, doubt them, disagree with them or judge them. We tell them that what they feel or perceive is wrong, mistaken, useless, undesirable. We tell them that what they are going through is not really justifiable, legitimate or logical. Sometimes, we may act as though the way they feel is in violation of some objective reality, and they should be ashamed of their feelings. To sum it up, invalidation is about not accepting the person in front of us, as they are.

When we invalidate someone, what we might be responding to is their emotional reality, their thoughts, speech, behavior, beliefs, perspectives or ideasbut in the process we may more or less invalidate them as individuals. Theres a fine line between saying your reaction is too much and saying you are too much.

It may seem like invalidation is quite an aggressive thing to do, but in reality, invalidations can be small, subtle, and even take place under the guise of genuine concern or an attempt to help. For example, many parents will tell a frightened child not to be so silly, and that theres nothing to be scared about. Though they intend to help, the message the child hears is youre wrong somehow. If they shouldnt be scared, but they are , what does that say about them?

Likewise, consider these small, yet nevertheless invalidating statements:

You like mayonnaise with your fries? Weird.

Hey, dont take it so personally!

Youre upset about your stressful job? What about people who dont even have jobshow do you think that makes them feel?

Youre not being reasonable right now, calm down.

Lots of people say they dont want kidsbut youll change your mind, just wait!

Though weve all been the recipients of statements like the ones aboveor maybe said things like this to othersits difficult to pinpoint just how invalidating they can be. Whats missing in the above sentiments? What makes them feel so bad to hear?

In the chapters that follow, well understand validation as the act of acknowledging and accepting another persons experience, i.e. communicating that it is inherently valid. Validation doesnt mean we agree with the other person, or like what they are experiencing, or even understand it. But it does mean we recognize that their experience has the right to exist as it is. If we see someone is angry, we could try to push back against the anger, argue with it, deny it or avoid it; or, we could acknowledge that the person is angry, and thats the way it is.