David D. Burns M.D. - Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work

T roubled relationships hurt. Most of us base our feelings of self-worth, at least in part, on our relationships with other people. It's no fun to argue or fight with someone you care about. Even a feud with someone you don't care about can eat away at you and rob you of energy and joy.

If you're not getting along with someone, I've got some good news for you: I can show you how to develop a far more rewarding relationship with that person. It makes no difference whether the person you've been battling is your spouse, sibling, parent, neighbor, or friend, or even a complete stranger. No matter who it is, I can show you how to transform feelings of frustration and resentment into warmth and trust, and it can happen much faster than you think. In fact, sometimes it only takes a few minutes.

However, it will require some hard work on your part, and you may have to look at some things about yourself that you didn't want to see. The path to intimacy is nearly always painful. If you can muster up some courage and humility, and you're willing to roll up your sleeves and do the work, I can show you something truly amazing something that will change your life.

David D. Burns, MD

Adjunct Clinical Professor Emeritus, Department of Psychiatry
and Behavioral Sciences, Stanford University School of Medicine

W e all want friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often end up with the exact oppositehostility, bitterness, and distrust. Why is this? Why can't we all just get along?

There are two competing theories. Most experts endorse the deficit theory. According to this theory, we can't get along because we don't know how. In other words, we fight because we lack the skills we need to solve the problems in our relationships. When we were growing up, we learned reading, writing, and arithmetic, but there weren't any classes on how to communicate or solve relationship problems.

Other experts believe that we can't get along because we don't really want to. This is called the motivational theory. In other words, we fight because we lack the motivation to get close to the people we're at odds with. We end up embroiled in hostility and conflict because the battle is rewarding.

Most mental health professionals, including clinicians and researchers, endorse the deficit theory. They're convinced that we wage war simply because we don't know how to make love. We desperately want loving, satisfying relationships but lack the skills we need to develop them.

Of course, different experts have different ideas about what the most important interpersonal skill deficits are. Behavior therapists, for example, believe that our problems with getting along result from a lack of communication and problem-solving skills. So when someone criticizes us, we may get defensive when we should be listening. We may pout and put the other person down instead of sharing our feelings openly, or we may resort to nagging and coercion in order to get our way. We don't use systematic negotiation or problem-solving skills, so the tensions escalate.

A related theory attributes relationship conflict to the idea that men and women are inherently different. This theory was popularized by Deborah Tannen in her best selling book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and by John Gray in his bestselling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. These authors argue that men and women can't get along because they use language so differently. The idea is that women use language to express feelings, whereas men use language to solve problems. So when a woman tells her husband that she's upset, he may automatically try to help her with the problem that's bugging her because that's how his brain is wired. But she simply wants him to listen and acknowledge how she feels, so she gets more upset when he tries to help her. They both end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. You may have observed this pattern in yourself and someone you're not getting along with, such as your spouse.

Cognitive therapists have a different idea about the deficits that lead to relationship problems. They emphasize that all of our feelings result from our thoughts and attitudes, or cognitions. In other words, the things other people dolike being critical or rudely cutting in front of us in trafficdon't actually upset us. Instead, we get upset because of the way we think about these events.

This theory may resonate with your personal experience. When you're mad at someone, you may have noticed that your mind is flooded with negative thoughts. You tell yourself, He's such a jerk! He only cares about himself. He