Bolton Robert - People skills: how to assert yourself, listen to others and resolve conflicts

PEOPLE
SKILLS

How to Assert Yourself,
Listen to Others,
and Resolve Conflicts

Robert Bolton, Ph.D.

A TOUCHSTONE BOOK
PUBLISHED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER
NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY

Copyright 1979 by Simon & Schuster, Inc.

All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form

First Touchstone Edition, 1986

Published by Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Rockefeller Center 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, New York 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com

Originally published by Prentice-Hall, Inc.

TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Designed by Eric Newman

Manufactured in the United States of America

50 49 48 47 46 45 44 43 42 41 Pbk.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Bolton, Robert.

People skills.

(A Touchstone book)

Reprint. Originally published: Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1979. (A Spectrum book)

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Interpersonal relations.

2. Interpersonal communication.

I. Title.

HM132.B65 1986 302.34 86-6737

ISBN 0-671-62248-X Pbk.

ISBN 978-0671-62248-0

eISBN 978-1439-18834-7

TO DOT
My best friend,
closest companion, fun playmate.
Enabler of my various selves,
nurturer of my dreams.Marvelous wife
sensitive, loving, and genuine
with me, our children, parents, and friends.
Effective in tasks that sustain our common life
colleague, teacher, partner.I love it that when I am with you
I most often discover, choose, disclose
the selves I really am.I love my experience of you as
a life-ful, love-ful,
value-ful person.

Imperfect, changing, growing, becoming,
yet rooted, consistent
a friend for all seasons.
You are something else.

Contents

PART ONE
Introduction,

CHAPTER ONE
Skills for Bridging the Interpersonal Gap,

CHAPTER TWO
Barriers to Communication,

PART TWO
Listening Skills,

CHAPTER THREE
Listening Is More Than Merely Hearing,

CHAPTER FOUR
Four Skills of Reflective Listening,

CHAPTER FIVE
Why Reflective Responses Work,

CHAPTER SIX
Reading Body Language,

CHAPTER SEVEN
Improving Your Reflecting Skills,

PART THREE
Assertion Skills,

CHAPTER EIGHT
Three Approaches to Relationships,

CHAPTER NINE
Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages,

CHAPTER TEN
Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon,

CHAPTER ELEVEN
Increasing Your Assertive Options,

PART FOUR
Conflict Management Skills,

CHAPTER TWELVE
Conflict Prevention and Control,

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict,

CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Collaborative Problem Solving: Seeking an Elegant Solution,

CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Three Essentials for Effective Communication,

AFTERWORD
Four Steps to Improved Communication,

Preface

Tis the good reader that makes the book, said Ralph Waldo Emerson. That truth applies especially to this type of book. A reader who only wants to toy with a few ideas will gain little from this volume. It is written for people with a strong enough desire to improve their relationships that they will experiment with the approaches to communication outlined in the following pages. It will do little good merely to read this book. However, those who persistently and creatively use these skills in their daily lives will notice significant changes in their relationships.

Effective communication is not something that has come easily to me. I suppose that if I had been especially capable in interpersonal communication from my childhood on, I would never have studied it so tenaciously. It was because communication was a problem for me that I researched it, tried out what I learned, taught it, and wrote about it.

I feel better qualified to teach these skills precisely because they do not come easily for me. I have struggled through many of the same impasses that block the typical learner from developing more fruitful ways of relating. Perhaps because of some of these initial deficits I can help you to overcome many of the pitfalls to learning and using these skills.

The writing of this book has gone on amidst the absorbing and incessant demands of managing a consulting firm. There are undoubtedly many advantages to writing in an unhurried, undemanding schedule. The daily pressure of an active business and teaching life, however, may be more of an advantage than a disadvantage. The skills have been used and tested daily in the hurly-burly of life as the book was written over a six-year period.

I write these pages with confidence that they will be of great benefit to the reader who applies them. Several thousand copies of earlier editions have been read by participants of our Communication Skills workshops. Literally hundreds who have read early editions of this book have written to say that these approaches to interpersonal relationships have worked for them and have greatly enriched their lives. Many say the book not only changed their ideas about human interaction, but it also helped them change their behaviors and enhance their relationships. This expanded volume should be even more useful.

This book, which began as a journey into myself and a study of how my interactions with people could be improved, was nourished by the thinking, research, teaching, and writing of Thomas Gordon, Carl Rogers, Allen Ivey, Gerard Egan, and Robert Carkhuff. The references in the Notes section indicate many of the other authors who have contributed to my understanding of interpersonal communication. Sometimes, when I am reading, the way a person has phrased his truth is as important to me as the truth itself. The wording is like a powerful painting that I would like to put on the wall. I want to share the statement with other people, not just for its truth, but also because the way it is worded somehow has a special meaning for me. So, sprinkled throughout these pages, you will find many quotations that resonate with my experience, taste, and values.

The concepts in this book have been discussed at length with colleagues at Ridge Consultants, especially Dot Bolton and Ed Lisbe. Their thinking and phrasing have contributed much to the book.

Special thanks too are due to the students in our communication-skills workshops who have contributed to my understanding. They have come from all walks of life: managers, salespeople, secretaries, teachers, health-care professionals, customer-relations personnel, construction workers, supervisors, psychologists, lawyers, members of the clergy, and many others. As they struggled to develop their communication skills, I found easier ways to teach these methods. As participants wrestled to apply the skills to particular situations, I discovered inadequacies in the theory and methods and was able to develop more helpful constructs. Many of the examples in the book come from their experiences. Names and some details have been disguised to preserve anonymity.