Wendy Harmer - I Lost My Mobile at the Mall: Teenager on the Edge of Technological Breakdown

My name is Elly Pickering. I've lost my mobile phone at the mall and am now facing certain death.

There are many ways a healthy fifteen-year-old girl can die. I'll list a few of them here.

I have lost my mobile phone so...

1. My mother will kill me.

OK, she won't try to actually, physically, murder me she's shorter than me, can't run as fast as me, and won't be able to find an axe until she finds her reading glasses. But in some ways, a sharp, fatal blow to the head would be better than the excruciating long-term abuse that will follow when I break the news. She will accuse me of being lazy, ungrateful, negligent and plain old stupid. The idea that reading glasses can disappear in exactly the same circumstances will not occur to my mother. The first death I suffer will be from an utter lack of natural justice.

2. My father will kill me.

My father's part in my death will be more subtle, but just as effective. He will sentence me to die by disappointment. He will not be angry. He won't want to find a blunt instrument and cave in my skull. Instead he'll be 'let down'. His eyes will look to his lap, his shoulders will sag and there will be a long, loud escape of air from his chest, as if I have crept up behind him and pulled out his plug. He will crumple like a punctured bouncy castle. This is the third time I've lost my mobile and I'm sure my father thinks I deliberately throw it down a well to prove to him that there is no God.

3. My best friend will kill me.

Bianca will try to actually, physically, murder me. She stabbed me with a pen once when I borrowed her suede skirt and ripped a hole in it. The pen punctured the skin on my thigh and drew blood, the ink went into the muscle tissue and now I have the world's tiniest tattoo. I will have this mark for life... and all for a misdemeanour on the hide of a cow that was already dead!

She will probably try to suffocate me with a pillow (no incriminating strangle marks) if I ever fall asleep anywhere near her and all because there is a photo in my mobile of her standing next to Hugh Jackman. (OK, losing this is a capital offence, but she is supposed to be my BF and should show mercy.)

There is also a text in there from Jai that he sent to me by mistake on the first night he and Bianca got together. I've been promising for six months to send her the photo and text, but I've been busy. So kill me!

Bianca will kill me, that's for sure, and no-one will have any evidence to convict her of the crime. The 'Exhibit A' of my phone could be in the lost and found box at the mall and lie there undiscovered for years until the whole thing is exposed on one of those Cold Case File shows on TV. But by then it will be too late.

I will be long dead.

4. My boyfriend will kill me.

This will be death from the grief of a broken heart. BTW, I didn't mention that I also lost my entire handbag and that the friendship ring Will bought me was in it. It's silver, carved with leaves and has tiny blue stones on it. Like something Arwen Evenstar might wear on an Elves' Night Out in Lothlrien. (Lord of the Rings is my fave movie and book.)

The ring's very, very gorgeous.

The only reason I wasn't wearing it is because I was at the cosmetics counter trying some hand cream that is supposed to whiten your skin so you can actually have hands that look like Arwen's (or Liv's) and I didn't want to get gunk on it.

Now it's gone. I don't even want to think what Will might say. It's my first piece of jewellery from a boy, ever. And it's the first piece of jewellery he has given a girl, ever. So who will die from a broken heart first me or him no-one can tell. This could be a double homicide. (Technically not quite right, but you know what I mean.)

5. I will kill myself.

I am not a particularly dramatic person, but all my numbers, texts and photos were in my phone (one year's worth), and if I don't get them back my life is not worth living.