Dan Crowley - The 505 Weirdest Online Stores

Copyright 2005 by Dan Crowley
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Crowley, Dan.
The 505 weirdest online stores / Dan Crowley.
p. cm.

1. TeleshoppingDirectories. 2. ShoppingComputer network resourcesDirectories. 3. Web sitesDirectories. 4. Curiosities and wondersComputer network resourcesDirectories. I. Title.

TX335.C76 2005
658.870207dc22

2004026864

Printed and bound in the United States of America
LSI 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

Dead SitesWhere Did They Go?

These websites may or may not exist once you go to look for them. The fluid nature of the Web dictates that I cannot guarantee that the sites will be in service at the time of publication. I have done my best to make sure that most are current as of this writing. Those sites that have gone to Internet Heaven (or Internet Hell as the case may be) are still included as a record of their incredibly pathetic existence and a timeless tribute to their extreme stupidity and uselessness.

If the address listed in the book does not work, try searching for the site using a search engine such as Google, as the site may have changed its address since the printing of the book. Sites such as Google and the Way Back Machine (www.archive.org) also have cached images of websites, so that you can view what a website looked like even if it no longer exists.

Introduction

In my previous book, 505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages, I introduced the world to the wild, weird, and wacky wonders of the Internet. Classics websites like The Center for the Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse, Rate My Mullet, The Church of Shatnerology, and the infamous Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa Foundation were all revealed to the masses. Everyone could marvel at their stunning stupidity. Now, you can relive the experience all over againwith a chance to waste your money, as well.

Think abusing shopping carts is weird? Check out Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers, a site chronicling men who bear a striking resemblance to the famous country-music superstar, where you can buy a T-shirt that asks, Have you seen Kenny Rogers? Such an inspired question, isn't it? Did you enjoy the sermon at the Church of Shatnerology? Head over to the official website of the Star Trek idol himself, WilliamShatner.com, for a chance to buy everything Shatner (Finally, Grammy-worthy music by the man himself!). Did you revere the redneck preaching at Rate My Mullet? Check out Jolene's Trailer Park, the home of Jolene Sugarbaker, the Trailer Park Queen, selling merchandise with classic slogans such as, White Trash with Class! Don't care for those pesky hangovers after a night of partying? Check out the Alcohol Without Liquid Machine. For only $3,000, you can buy a machine that allows you to inhale alcohol rather than drink it.

And no, this is not a joke.

New surefire hits also await you, like the enigmatic Motopets.com, Michael Jackson artwork, and the home to the idol of bad singers himself, William Hung (SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS!). So, step into the world of crazy Internet merchandise, and be sure to visit www.stupidwebpages.com for more information on insane Internet humor. Visit these sites for strange stores and shameful shopping experiences. Enjoy!

Bill Gates Is Dead

www.billgatesisdead.com

Is Bill Gates dead? These folks seem to think so. This site contains fake stories of Bill Gates's assassination by a deadly sniper, opinions on the mega-conglomerate megalomaniac's legacy, retrospective articles about why this tragedy occurred, a Community section with discussion forums, and a Bill Gates memorial webring.

PRODUCTS: Mouse pads, such as one with the Linux penguin holding an Uzi and saying, I know who killed Bill Gates, T-shirts, mugs, and books like The Plot to Get Bill Gates by Gary Rivlin, which is a humorous look at the powerful people who openly hated Bill Gates. While the text has lost some of its humor since the shooting, the point Rivlin makes is more acute and telling than ever. A lot of people must hate Bill Gates if there's enough material to write a book on it.

VERDICT: Bill Gates may be alive and kickin', and still have more money than most of the U.S. population combined, but this site does a great job of catering to conspiracy theorists, humoring fans of the stupid and senseless, and fooling tons of gullible, misinformed people.

Almost Elvis

www.elvisimpersonators.com

Thirty-five Thousand Elvis impersonators can't be wrong! Almost Elvis is a haven for Elvis impersonators and home of the documentary Almost Elvis, the film about the best Elvis [impersonators] on the planet[competing] for the title of World Champion Elvis Impersonator! What a coveted title! The gift shop contains Almost Elvis movie posters, T-shirts, Elvis-style sunglasses, and more.

PRODUCTS: T-shirts with the Almost Elvis and Blue Suede Films logos on them, playing cards, postcards, and, of course, the Kingtinued CD. Hear the CD that's sending chills up the spines of Elvisholics around the world. The voice of Elvis sings the best hits of today.Hear the King sing Elton John, Ricky Martin, Garth Brooks, Billy Idol, and more! Elvis impersonators singing Ricky Martin? Chilling indeed.

VERDICT: Almost Elvis sells what sounds like an interesting documentary, as well as hilarious Elvis gear, and is a must-visit for the King's loyal subjects and fans of crappy Vegas entertainers everywhere.

Political Talking
Action Figures

www.prankplace.com/politics.htm

George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Donald Rumsfeld, and Ann Coulter: America's Real Action Heroes! Maybe, perhaps. But Bill Clinton, an American Action Hero? I don't think the action he got qualified as heroic! This store offers these hysterical dolls, which, through the miracle of modern technology, feature actual sound bites on a computer chip inside the dolls themselves.

PRODUCTS: Talking figures of Donald Rumsfeld (Oh, it was your rhetoric that made us do it.) and George W. Bush (I come from Texas.) are interesting. But the best is the Ann Coulter: Conservative Lawyer action figure. One of the quotes she actually says is, Why not go to war just for oil? We need oil. What do celebrities imagine fuels their private jets? How do they think their cocaine is delivered to them? Now that sounds like an action hero!

VERDICT: These dolls are great conversation pieces. Doesn't everyone need a chance to buy a Bill Clinton doll that recites Clintonisms on your command? It's always a pick-me-up to hear It depends on what the meaning of the word is, is.

Free The Gnomes

www.freethegnomes.com

Here's your chance to save gnomes from botanical oppression. This site contains Thoughts on Liberty with antislavery quotes, information on USA Hypocrisy and how to Stop British Slavery, as well as a plethora of goods ranging from T-shirts to hats and even underwear. All are sure to inspire your secret desire for freedom and liberation of these tiny garden decorations.