Steven R. Schirripa - A Goomba’s Guide to Life

To Laura, Bria, and Ciara

and to three goomba heroes, Joey, Carl, and Louie.

S teve Schirripa would like to thank, for their invaluable help in making this book possible, Bernie Allen, Louie Anderson, Frank Anobile Sr. and Frank Anobile Jr., Mike Anobile Jr., Dave Becky, Pat Bolino, Mitchell Burgess, John Capotonto, David Chase, Dominic Chianese, Diane Costello, Michael De Georgio, Nick Di Paolo, Carmine Esposito Sr., Carmine Esposito Jr., Ray Favero, Bob Fiandra, Hugh Fink, Robert Funaro, James Gandolfini, Joseph R. Gannascoli, Laurie Gomez, Robin Green, Roger Haber, Mike Hernandez, Mike Harriot, Richie and Anthony Iocolano, Kevin James, Pam Krauss, everyone at La Bella Ferrara, Ilene Landress, Don Learned, Jim and Jane Lemos, Bill Maher, Scott Manners, Joe Marzella, Guido Maurino, Cheryl McLean, Charlie Melfi, Jerry Miner, Vinnie Montalto, Charles Najjar, Joe Pantoliano, Lisa Perkins, Jimmie Raya, Willie Rizzo, Chris Rock, Rocky from Mulberry Street, Ray Romano, Rory Rosegarten, Richard Scanlon, Lorraine Schirripa, Ralph Schirripa, Jeff Singer, Tony Sirico, Tim Stone, Jeff Sussman, Bob Vannucci, Steven Van Zandt, John Ventimiglia, David Vigliano, Patricia Weber, Bill Westerman, Terry Winter, Premiere Caterers, Il Cortile Restaurant, all his friends at the Riviera Hotel and Casino, the entire cast and crew of The Sopranos, all his friends back in Bensonhurst, and his wife, Laura, and daughters, Ciara and Bria.

Charles Fleming would like to thank David Vigliano, Pam Krauss, and his wife, Julie Singer, and daughters, Katherine and Frances.

W elcome to the world of goomba. This is your guide. What we got here is two things. First is the story of me, Steve Schirripa, and why Im proud to be a goomba. Second is the story of what a goomba is, and what it means to be one.

This aint as easy as it looks. The first partno problem. I know exactly how I was raised, and how I went from a Bensonhurst kid to a guy with a big job at one of the biggest casinos in Las Vegas to a man with a wife and two kids and a regular berth on one of the best television shows that ever was, The Sopranos.

The second partthats more difficult. Explaining and defining the goomba isnt easy. It looks easy. How hard could it be? Everyone knows what a goomba is, right? Hes a fat Italian jerk, right, or a gangster?

Wrong. That aint the goomba. The goomba is more complicated than that.

With this book, Im going to try to explain what the goomba is, what the goomba isnt, what the goomba does, how he does it, and how an ordinary non-goomba could take a tip or two and learn to live life a little better.

My 1st communion. A big day for any goomba.

Now, maybe youre wondering why would anyone want to be a goomba. Its an insult, right? Not necessarily. To most goombas, the word goomba is a term of endearment. Hes what the Jews would call a mensch, or what a Southerner calls a good ol boy. A goomba is a mans man. Hes tough. Hes usually pretty big. Hes got a big appetite, toofor food, and booze, and broads, most of the time.

Hes not too smart, maybe, and probably not too educated. He aint no rocket scientist, and he aint working on Wall Street. He might not have a lot to say. But he aint stupid, either. Like my friend Vinnie says, When a fish opens his mouth, he gets hooked. The goomba knows when to keep his mouth shut.

When he does talk, hes funny and full of life. He speaks whats on his mind. He tells the truthexcept to his wife or the cops. He aint no phonywhat you see is what you get. The goomba doesnt explain, and the goomba doesnt complain.

The goomba treats everyone alike. This is another key element to the goomba character. The true goomba is very comfortable being who he is. So, he aint kissing nobodys ass just to feel better about himself, and he aint bullying anybody either. He might be a big guy, but you wont find him pushing around any little guys. Whether hes talking to a senator or a sanitation worker, hes gonna be straight and solid. Hes gonna tip the maitre d to get a good table, but hes gonna duke the kid at the car wash, too, just to show his appreciation. He is just as polite to the priest that says the Mass at his church as he is to the waitress who serves the spaghetti at his local trattoria. And hell say thank you or fuck you to either one of them, depending on the situation.

Above all else, the goomba is very loyal. He will never betray his family or his friends. Hed die first. You can depend on the goomba to stand up for himself and for his friends, to the end. For this reason, you wouldnt want to pick a fight with a goomba unless you got more friends around than he has. If at all possible, you dont want to go up against a goomba in a fight. You want the goomba behind you in a fight.

IF I LIKE a guy, I might say, Hes okay. Hes a real goomba. If he does something funny, or foolish, I might say, What a goomba! If I want to describe a certain kind of guy from the neighborhood, one of a hundred guys that I grew up with and Im still friends with, there is no other word to use. The guys a goomba. Whats he like? Hes a real goomba.

Which still doesnt explain it. You cant explain it.

I was a guest on a game show recently. We were rehearsing. It was going great. We were laughing and joking and having fun, until the producer came out. He looked worried. He said, Steve, could you do me a favor? Could you try to be a little more a little more you know

I said, You want me to goomba it up a little?

And he said, Yes! Could you do that?

He wanted more of a certain kind of attitude. And maybe thats what goomba really is. Its a certain kind of attitude.

And I gotta tell you something: I have gone a long way on attitude. Or I should say the goomba attitude has helped me get where I got in my life. Attitude, plus some persistence and some good luck and lots of hard work. But first, attitude.

I WAS A young goomba, working in Las Vegas as a maitre d, when I heard that the film director Martin Scorsese was coming to town to make a movie called Casino. A friend suggested I go and audition. The casting director was looking for a local guy to play the maitre d at a casino. My friend said, You are a maitre d at a casino. Youre a natural!

So I went up for the job. I didnt have any business doing this. I had never acted in a movie. I had only done a few small TV things. I had no idea what an actor did. I had no idea what a director expected, or what a casting director was looking for. But I went up for the job anyway. What could I lose?