Celeste Barber - Challenge Accepted!: 253 Steps to Becoming an Anti-It Girl

Text copyright 2018 by Celeste Barber

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Amazon Publishing, Seattle

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First published in 2018 by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited

ISBN-13: 9781542006231 (hardcover)

ISBN-10: 1542006236 (hardcover)

ISBN-13: 9781542006248 (paperback)

ISBN-10: 1542006244 (paperback)

Cover Design by Mark Campbell, HarperCollins Design Studio

Cover Photography by Corrine Bond, Viviens Creative

First edition

For JoJo, Mark, and Nic.

Come back now please, Ive got so much to tell you.

The One with All the Content

The One

Dear America

How are yall?

Im that crazy Australian who takes photos of herself. That lady who tries to make you laugh and show that we shouldnt take ourselves too seriously. You know her? Yep, thats me!

I wanted to take this opportunity (that was 100 percent forced on me by my US publisher) to write an additional introduction ahead of the standard introduction I had already written to thank yall personally for being so super supportive of me and all my shenanigans and for allowing me to penetrate you just the right amount.

You are the most supportive of all the lands, and its a really nice feeling, because you own some of the things that I hold closest to my heart...

Malt milkshakes.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guythe original AND the reboot.

An entire channel dedicated to BRAVO!

And TOM MUTHAFUCKING FORD.

I was recently in you for New York Fashion Week, obvs, and Im not going to lie to youit was a bag of mixed nuts. Some were shitty Brazilian-type nuts, like when I was asked on two separate occasions by two European supermodels when shopping in Bloomingdales to fetch them a different size in jeans, and when I told them I didnt work there, they were already bored of my attitude and had moved on to another mother of two who was trying to have a quick five minutes to herself.

But I also had some really yummy chocolate-coated hazelnut-type experiences. I met everyones favorite uncle, Tom Hanks, got to make out with everyones wet dream, Tom Ford, and witnessed Serena Williams continue her quest to dismantle the patriarchyin a tutu!

Since Im going to be hanging out with you guys a lot more, I needed to get my Social Security card so I can work and not be stopped at the border and have my children ripped from me because Im trying to do the best I can. When I told the man at the Social Security office that I was there for Fashion Week, he responded, Oh, so youre a photographer? When I looked at him blankly, he corrected himself by saying, Manager? To which I responded, Why dont you assume Im a model? With that he stamped my Social Security passport-type card thingy and, avoiding any direct eye contact, sent me on my way with a handful of sympathy candy.

After this last trip (the one where I made out with Tom Ford; have I mentioned that?), there is one lingering question I have and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on...

Whats with listing all the side effects in your ads for pharmaceutical drugs? Never have I heard the words renal bleeding alongside infant formula more in my life than when I spent half an hour watching TV in my overpriced East Village Airbnb. DM me.

There are a few things that us Aussies do really well that you guys need to get across:

Fairy breadwhite bread with butter and sprinkles, thats it. Fairy bread.

Beacheswe are so goddamned good at beaches, you guys, its kind of crazy.

Slangour slang is like nothing else. Let me give you an example.

Man in any country in the world other than Australia talking to friend:

Before I head off I want you to know that the guy over there looks exactly like your ex. I think hes interested in you and wants to go on a date. Here, I got you a coffee.

Man in Australia, most likely Queensland, talking to friend:

Before I hit the frog and toad, you should know that that rooster is a dead ringer for your mate, and Im pretty sure hes as keen as mustard and is gagging to have a crack. Here, wrap your laughing gear around this.

You guys and gals have the ability to make me feel as though Im better than I really am, and I fucking love it. Were not so hot at this in the wonderful land of Oz; what we do do, however, is produce not one, not two, but three incredible-looking men that are all related and go by the name of Hemsworth.

So thanks for the former, and youre welcome for the latter.

Big love,

Celeste

P.S. Slipping off the chair at the end of the Tom Ford make-out videowasnt acting.

Pilot

Well hello, you cheeky little saucepots. Thank you for buying my book (or thank you for acting excited when it was given to you by your sister-in-law, who probably bought it last minute while running through the airport trying not to miss family Christmas).

I bet youre thinking, Shes just like me!except when you saw the cover and probably realized that Ive completely got my head up my own arse. And I know for sure that my primary school tutorlets just call her Mrs. Fleetis thinking, Oh my God, if this chick can get a book deal, then anything is possible. And youre right, Mrs. Fleet. Anything is possible, even though you treated me like I was illiterate when we all knew I was dyslexic with ADD.

This book is a massive deal for me, not only because the profits will help keep my gray hair under control, but because yall have been super kind and supportive of me and my stuff, and buying this book is a part of that. (No, you shut up; youre getting emotional in the intro.)

The closest I ever got to writing a book was at primary school, when most recesses and lunchtimes were spent writing lines: I will not talk back to the teacher. I will not talk back to the teacher. And I filled up those pages pretty quickly. So Im hoping this will be pretty similar.

I love writing. Even though Im no wordsmith, I spell and read words phonetically, and autocorrect cant fix or find replacements for 98 percent of what I write. Ive always enjoyed expressing myself with a pen and paper. That was until I started writing this book, and now Im so fucking stressed that I want to go and scream into a pillow. But how good is the cover, right?!

Now, for those of you thinking, Oh God, I just spent actual money on a book by a girl who is only good at taking inappropriate unflattering photos of herselfnever fear! Im going to tackle a lot of big issues in this book, from how rich Bill Gates really is to why laser hair removal is more effective on dark hair than on fair hair. Here are five reasons why buying this book was a good idea:

1. You went into a bookshop to get ityay! Everyone wants to fuck someone who pretends to be smart. Or if you got it online, you can just click straight back over to Pornhub after purchasing it and get your fix therewhatever blows your hair back.
2. If you hate it, you can totally regift it to a middle-aged woman named Beverlythey seem to think Im pretty cool.
3. By purchasing this book, you have helped me buy school shoes for my kids. They say thank you for that.