Anthony Cumia - Permanently Suspended: The Rise and Fall... and Rise Again of Radio’s Most Notorious Shock Jock

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK

ISBN: 978-1-64293-091-7

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-64293-092-4

Permanently Suspended:

The Rise and Fall... and Rise Again of Radios Most Notorious Shock Jock

2018 by Anthony Cumia

All Rights Reserved

Cover design by Cody Corcoran

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.

Post Hill Press

New York Nashville

posthillpress.com

Published in the United States of America

Dedication

To my mom, Rosemarie, with eternal love.

Table of Contents

T his book is long overdue. It marks the first time we are able to get a complete picture of Anthonys life, from his point of view, uninterrupted and without the self-imposed filter he spoke through for twenty years. Written accounts are, by nature, far less guarded than spoken ones. The author feels an obligation to give information, and then when rereading it during the edit, feels obligated to give a little more. Anthony has talked about writing a book for years, and now he has finally done it. About time, motherfucker. I cannot wait to read it, and not just because I am penning (typing) the foreword.

For the rest of my life, there will never be another phone call that shocks me more than the one I received in the spring of 2005. The Opie and Anthony show was finally back on the air after a twenty-six-month hiatus, after being canceled on terrestrial radio in August 2002. We returned on XM Satellite Radio in October 2004 and were fighting an uphill battle to return to the glory the show had experienced a couple of years earlier in afternoon drive time, and we knew it.

While we were on WNEW, the majority of my time was spent with Opie. We became very close friends, and he is the one who encouraged me to come back on the air time after time. It was also Opie who pushed to get me hired and who pushed to get me raises. Anthony was friendly and always fun on the air, but I got the impression he saw me as Opies friend, so we were never that close off the air. We liked each other; we just never hung out. While we were off the air for two years and I was thinking of throwing myself out my twenty-second-floor window on a daily basis, Opie traveled the country with me as I did gigs and kept me updated on everything that was happening with our possible future.

About six months into our return, the dynamics between Opie and me began to change. He started fucking with me on the air and being a passive-aggressive dick off the air and between breaks. Not all the time, but it got to the point where my mother called me and asked what Opies problem was. She had listened to the show and said he didnt sound like he liked me. I also heard that from other people, including some fellow comics who came on the show. What I now believe was happening was that he was uncomfortable or threatened by the on-air comedic chemistry Anthony and I had developed. The bullshit eventually got to a breaking point, and I was ready to quit the show. Six months in and I was seriously thinking of walking away. I began to dread going in
every day.

Until that nondescript afternoon in the spring of 2005. I was at a Starbucks on 42nd Street with Bob Kelly and felt that familiar buzz in my front-left pocket. I looked at my phone. It was Anthony. I honestly think it was the first time he had ever called me. It occurred to me that I might be getting fired and was really tempted to let it go to voicemail. Before the phone was against my ear, he was talking: Look, man, I just wanted you to know that youre doing great on the show. I see whats been going on and that youre getting discouraged. Well dont, because youre fucking hysterical and I can see hes been treating you like shit. Ive had to deal with his shit for over twelve years, and I fucking hate him !

He proceeded to unload and tell me about all the issues theyd had over the years, in particularly the way Op had treated his girlfriend, whom Anthony was still with. I was stunned. I thought Opie and Anthony were close friends, and this was after having been on the air with them for two years. I sat in the studio with them day in and day out and didnt realize they couldnt stand each other. What an unobservant asshole I had been. The relief I felt from that phone call is indescribable. I wasnt bombing on the show or close to getting fired. I wasnt crazy for feeling like something was wrong between Opie and me. I was doing well and contributing, and Ant was having fun with me on the air. From that moment forward, Anthony and I were silently bonded. So while I only joined the radio show because of Opie, I only stayed because of Ant.

Patrice ONeal once said that Anthony could access funny faster than anyone hed ever met. And while Id never heard that term before, I knew exactly what he meant. Regardless of the discussion, the context, the topic, Ant has the ability to reach in with perfect timing and pull out something funny. He is by far the most talented radio performer Ive ever known, and hes as fast as any comedian who has ever lived. Im a great get if you need someone to describe an old lady falling down the steps or a blumpkin joke, but Anthony can be captivatingly funny describing air-conditioning duct installation. He can walk you through every aspect of the most monotonous activities, paint a perfectly clear picture, hilariously veer left and right, and will not once stray into the territory of boring. He has an incredible gift. For years I sat next to him completely awed by this, because I have zero ability to do it. Im good at firing out lines, but I suck at giving interesting accounts. Ive often said that if I escaped one of the towers on 9/11, Id still lose people halfway through the story.

There is probably not another radio guy in history who has clicked better on air with comedians than Anthony. He is able to improv with all of us, on any level and at any speed we chose. Guys like Bill Burr, Louis CK, Bobby Kelly, Rich Vos, Colin Quinn, and of course Patrice would all tell you the same thing. When everyone was throwing insults around the room, you always knew that he would more than likely say something barbaric. But you also knew that nothing you would ever say to him would be off-limits. Nothing. If you were trying to be funny, you could pick up a sledgehammer and smash his fucking teeth out and hed laugh. Anthonys complete lack of respect for the sanctity of any subject or institution is acceptable simply because he has a complete lack of respect for himself. Thats not how I meant to say that; let me rephrase: Anthony puts the act or attempt of being funny above the idolatry of any subject, himself included.

For Ant, when it comes to being funny, everything in life we have experienced or will ever experience is piled into a bin. There is no order to anything and no hierarchy. On the air, where his mind works faster than that of any other person I have ever known, he isnt carefully examining each experience and maturely weighing the appropriateness of making fun of it. He is leaning way over into the bin with his ass up in the air, recklessly pulling things out, slicing them in half, and throwing them back in. All things in that bin truly are created equal. Nothing is allowed to be removed, nothing can claim offense, and there is no immunity. Murder and breast cancer live side by side with aluminum siding, Dancing with the Stars , crib death, Rocky Dennis, and modern jazz. Most importantly, that bin also contains his own divorce, deep insecurities, and the death of his father. Absolutely nothing is off-limits. He has no barriers on being funny, and he has never asked anyone to have them with him.