Elvis Duran - Where Do I Begin?: Stories from a Life Lived Out Loud

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First Atria Books hardcover edition October 2019

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Interior design by Jill Putorti

Jacket design by Laywan Kwan

Jacket photograph by Robert Milazzo

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-1-9821-0633-1

ISBN 978-1-9821-0635-5 (ebook)

Life is a big, fat book. Alex you are my favorite chapter. I love you.

My pulse is pounding. My hands are sweaty. I think I just crapped my pants.

Look. I dont get nervous. Not even when Im about to go live to ten million people as the host of a national radio show with my name on it.

That stuffs easy. But this? Writing a book? A book about me?

This is agonizing.

You wouldnt think it would be so hard to talk about myself. I do it every day on the radio. And its not as if Im afraid to tell you embarrassing stories about myself. I mean, this whole book is full of stories about getting drunk and getting high, getting fired and getting dumped, getting fat and getting thin. Want to hear about the time I pissed the bed on a romantic vacation? No problem.

One time, the guy I was dating took me to Hawaii. Id been going nuts with work, and I was stressed out and exhausted, so he swept me away to this gorgeous house wed rented on a hillside overlooking the ocean. Hot, right?

So, we get to this peaceful oasis, have a pia colada or two, and then within about five seconds of putting my head on the pillow, Im out cold. After months of pent-up exhaustion, Im taking the greatest nap of all time.

And then, well, you know how sometimes you have a dream where you really have to go, and you make your way to the dream bathroom, and youre dream-peeing, except then you wake up in a puddle of hot pee?

And you know something? I didnt try to hide it from my guy. And I have no problem telling you about it, either (after all, its not like I peed in your bed). My point: Most people would never admit they peed the bed. Me? I talk about it in a book. Not gonna hold back from ya, okay? In fact, thats not even the only story about inappropriate urination in this book. I should have called it All the Places I Shouldnt Have Peed.

I have no shame, and no filter, when it comes to talking to you about wetting the bed. What bothers me is having to dig deeper.

I know how to ask the kind of questions that get to the heart of who a person really is and how they got that wayI do it every day on the radio. But having to answer them is terrifying. Jimmy Fallon recently invited me to be a guest on The Tonight Show. Where HES the interviewer. But it didnt take long before I found myself flipping the script and starting to ask HIM questions. Im just more comfortable on that side of the conversation.

But as much as Id rather talk about you, this is a book about me. And if Elvis Duran were a guest on my show, I wouldnt let him get away with just telling some funny stories. Id want to know exactly how a kid from a small town in Texas made his way to New York Cityhow a shy, quiet loner wound up on top in a business where all you do is talk to people. And if he said, Oh, well, just lucky, I suppose, and then tried to change the subject, Id say, Bullshit.

The truth is, I have been lucky. Unbelievably lucky. But Ive also had setbacks. Ive made mistakesnot just the lose-your-hotel-room-deposit kind, but the people-get-hurt kind. And Ive learned some tough lessons the hard waynot just about the radio business, but about myself.

Which brings me back to this bookor, rather, the blank page Im staring at that has to turn into a book or else the ghosts of Simon and Schuster themselves are going to come downtown to my apartment in Tribeca and burn out my eyeballs with their cigarettes.

Turning the microphone on myself like this is a total nightmare. But Im going to do it anyway. And heres why.

My favorite thing about what I do for a living is that, even though we play music and talk about Hollywood gossip, our show is about real people. Even someone like Katy Perrysomeone whos way more famous than you or I will ever be and talented in ways we can only dream aboutshes a real person, just like anyone else.

The thing about real people is, we all go through moments of doubt. We all have pet peeves and secret fears and aspirations were too embarrassed to admit out loud. We all screw up. We all have dreams that havent come trueyet. And whether Im talking to a Grammy-winning pop star or a caller on her way to drop her kids off at school, thats the stuff I think is fascinating. The real stuff.

And Im a real person, too. My life is fast and fun and occasionally fabulous, but the stories that have shaped itthe moments that made me who I amcould have happened to anyone. And if I tell you those stories in these pages, maybe youll recognize something from your own life. Maybe youll realize something new about yourself. Maybe well be able to connect on a whole different level. Making those connections is the best part of my job. I think its the best part of life itself.

So, fine. Ill tell you everything. Even the stuff that makes me cry or cringe or want to slam my head on the coffee table.

Deep breath.

Here goes.

Do you remember the first song you ever heard on the radio?

We all have certain songs that served as the soundtrack to the moments that mattered, songs that can immediately take us right back to exactly where we were and exactly what we were thinking when everything changed.

The song that your mom always sang along to when it came on the radio. The anthem that defined your teenage years. The hit single that was playing on the car radio while you lost your virginity. You were in a car? I was in my parents bed (they werent there, by the way). You may even remember the lullaby your mom or dad sang to you to put you to sleep. I remember Dads beer breath (Schlitz) when he would tuck me in when I was a little kid and also my moms breasts. I would lazily rest my head on them and fall asleep. Still, to this day, I love laying my head on a womans chest. With permission, naturally.

I also remember that song that made me fall in love with radio. It was 1971. A year where my first radio song SHOULD have been by the Who or the Rolling Stones. But no. It was Me and You and a Dog Named Boo by Lobo.