Robert Angelone - Str8ish: A Memoir

A M E M O I R

by

Robert Angelone

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I wish to thank the amazing men and women in my life, good and bad, young and old, living and dead, who contributed to making me what I am today. To those I have loved, still love, and will love, youre more than a memory. Youre a part of me.

Str8ish Copyright 2019 by Robert Angelone. All Rights Reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
Cover designed by McBlains & Co.
Cover photo by Engin Akyurt
This book is a biographical work, parts of which may have been embellished for dramatic purposes. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Robert Angelone
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Printed in the United States of America
First Printing: Aug 2019
Harrison Prescott Publishing

From the Author of:

Company Well Kept: Banking On Time.

An historic novel set in the early 1920s in New York City.

Penned: The Golden Diaries

An historic novel set in the 1770s in New York, London, Paris and Philadelphia.

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Contents

Preface

You wont find them cruising. You wont find them looking for a same-sex date online or off. They dont go to gay bars or clubs. They cant be easily found. Str8ish men are not a rare commodity, but the relationships with them are rare indeed.

Str8ish men engage in extremely limited relationships with their male partners. Those bonds are often stronger than their heterosexual correlations because they require a more intense level of trust and deeper love. Secrecy, discretion, and privacy are paramount in such relationships until the Str8ish man is prepared to disclose the connection. That degree of concealment requires a resolute commitment between the two partners.

When an otherwise heterosexual male, viewed as such by friends and family, engages in a sexual relationship with another male, hes not likely to broadcast the news to anyone. It becomes a state secret, and the male lover must be capable of keeping silent about it or risk loss of the relationship.

Discretion was an absolute requirement for a relationship with a Str8ish male. This secretive life often extended into their heterosexual relationships. The Str8ish man will often have multiple female partners and labors to keep them restrained, dominating them by saying theyll lose him if they speak of the relationship.

Str8ish men may also have self-restricted relationships with women. They may live with a man as a couple, then suddenly exit the relationship in favor of a woman, while keeping the friendship with their male lover for years, perhaps decades.

Having one relationship with a Str8ish male is uncommon for a gay man. Having several is rare, indeed. When they last a lifetime, thats getting into the realm of miracles. Not all miracles are good, though. Some hurt.

From early childhood, pain and hurt have been a regular occurrence in my lifetime. Despite any difficulties, my life has been filled with moments worthy of pride in accomplishments great and small. I pray when you read this, youll say it was well done.

This book addresses the harm brought by childhood sex abuse at the hands of a member of the clergy. It explains how that abuse has affected my life, and particularly pushed me in the direction of heterosexual partners, and away from successful long-term interactions with homosexual men.

Readers will see how that abuse also impacted my life in ways that one might never expect. Most assuredly, I did not. At sixty-two, it is now abundantly clear to me, and I pray it becomes clear to you, for childhood sex abuse is not something that is without consequence. Unfortunately, it is misunderstood, or dismissed by those who should know better.

The abuse pushed me out of the range of a normal sex life into an unusual one. It left me in search of what was regular between male sex partners and on a quest to find and try every possible man. This book explains that and reveals my connection to the Str8ish men in my past.

As I aged and did many odd, strange, and abnormal things, the events of my childhood became the apparent underlying cause. That made me go in search of some explanation for the abuse, for my behavioral changes, and the erratic nature of things I was doing.

Introduction

It is said by some biographers that Alexander Hamilton was homosexual because he wrote love letters to a fellow member of General George Washingtons senior staff. Others claim that it was the style of the times for men to write such affectionate terms to other men. Neither is correct.

Hamilton did have amorous feelings for his fellow officer in Americas first military organization. He was in love with his friend. Whether they had a sexual encounter or not remains a fact lost in the annals of time, but it seems that Hamilton was Str8ish, and so was the object of his affection.

The way Hamilton wrote to his male paramour was not dissimilar to the writings of many men whose sexuality is not defined by societal restrictions or religious beliefs. His effeminate style of writing to John Laurens is summed up in this quote from an April 1779, letter, Cold in my professions, warm in [my] friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power, by action rather than words, [to] convince you that I love you.

If I could explain how many times I have said those three magical words, or heard them from my own paramours, the men whose sexuality is discussed within these pages, people might be amazed.

Str8ish is actually normal, at least more common than anyone ever discusses. What is abnormal is the constraint placed on humans by government, or religious dogma, or the opinions of others. What two people do in the privacy of their lives is their business and not anyone elses.

Dr. Alfred C. Kinseys study of human sexuality in 1948 concluded that only a limited percentage of humans fall into heterosexual or homosexual definitions, but the vast majority fit into an undefined category between the two. Sexuality is a spectrum condition.

Those definitions entered the lexicon of the English language between the 1840s and 1920s. Before these additions to the dictionary, people were far less concerned with a persons sexuality or sexual behaviors unless it was obvious. A cross-dressing man or woman in 1924 might be noticeable more than an openly homosexual person with no outward visible signs.

Masters and Johnson, in their 1950s studies, concluded that eighty percent of men who identified as heterosexual were physically aroused when viewing homosexual pornography. The majority of those were able to reach an orgasmic climax to homosexual imagery. Their study confirmed Kinseys studies of male sexuality.

I am not Str8ish. I am gay, though that doesn't define me. A homosexual male born in an era when anti-gay feelings were strong does not have an easy life. It was a time when hatred against homosexuals was pushed by religious dogma and the publics fear that homosexuals were disloyal to America. The public was told gay men were likely to become Soviet spies. That public fear was bolstered by a scandal in Britain involving Russian agents and homosexuals in the British government. The McCarthy Hearings were in part, about outing homosexuals in government. These things set the stage for hate.