Winifred Conkling - Ms. Gloria Steinem

A portrait of Gloria Steinem published in the 1956 Smith College yearbook, The Hamper

[Smith College]

Once you get a taste of being independent, youll never want to get married.

RUTH STEINEM

When she was twenty-two years old, Gloria Steinem almost said I do.

In the fall of 1955, Steinem reluctantly agreed to allow a friend from college to set her up on a blind date. While visiting a girlfriends family in Westchester County, New York, Steinem went out with Blair Chotzinoff, a handsome pilot for the Air National Guard in Purchase, New York.

The two hit it off. Chotzinoff later said that he knew within five minutes that he was going to ask Steinem to marry him. He fell for her intellect and energy, her adventurous spirit and openness to life. Steinem was smitten, too. She had had plenty of boyfriends, but Chotzinoff was different: He was seven years older, a bit of a rebel, and the chemistry between them was undeniable.

At the end of the weekend, Chotzinoff impressed Steinem by renting a four-passenger plane and flying her back to Northampton, Massachusetts. Steinem was exposed to wealth and privilege while at Smith College, and she was certainly aware of the status and security she could achieve by marrying a man who offered social and financial stability. From that point on, the couple spent almost every weekend together, either in New York or Massachusetts. Chotzinoff announced his love by piloting a small jet with an afterburner and writing Gloria across the sky above the Smith campus.

Steinem admired the Chotzinoff family and imagined herself a part of it. Blair came from a musical familyhis uncle was a world-famous violinist, his father was a gifted pianist, and his mother had appeared in a Broadway musical. The family wasnt wealthy, but they socialized with well-known musicians from all over the world. Chotzinoff wrote a restaurant column for the New York Post, having worked his way up from being a copy boy.

The following spring, Steinem accepted a diamond ring from Chotzinoff. She agreed to marry because thats what she thought she was supposed to do. A few weeks later, she called him in tears, explaining that she couldnt see herself as a brideor a wife. It wasnt that she didnt love himshe didbut she didnt want to define herself and her life through her relationship to a man, any man. Chotzinoff drove up to see her and after several hours of crying and talking, Steinem changed her mind and again agreed to marry him.

But it still felt wrong. Steinem considered marriage an end and not a beginning. She considered marriage a little death. Because its the last choice you can make. According to the conventions of the 1950s, a wife was expected to devote herself to her husband and children. Even in a happy relationship, a woman would be defined by her marriage and her service to others. Steinem wanted a life of her own.

Steinem was skeptical about the myth of happily ever after. Her childhood experiences had taught her to question the idea that women obtained personal and financial security through marriage. Steinem had watched her mother struggle to surrender herself to the needs and desires of her husband and children. Ultimately, her mother was left poor and alone: When her parents divorced, it was ten-year-old Gloria who was left to spend the next seven years taking care of her mentally ill mother. During this time in her childhood, Steinem learned firsthand what it was like to be a caregiver, putting the needs of her mother before her own. Unlike many women of her generation, who expected to find security through marriage, Steinem believed in independence and self-reliance. She was afraid of being trapped by duty and obligation.

As it turned out, Steinem wasnt the only one who had reservations about the marriage. Chotzinoffs parents questioned if she was the right match for their son. Her future father-in-law didnt like Steinems outspokenness or her willingness to challenge him in conversation. He wanted his son to marry a traditional woman, one who would be more likely to play the conventional role of wife and mother. Knowing it would upset her, Chotzinoffs father told Steinem that he was going to give her cookware for a wedding present so that she could make him his favorite beef stew.

Steinem faced an agonizing decision. She questioned the idea of marriage but not her passion for Chotzinoff. I loved him and cared about him and had discovered sex with him, and I didnt want to leave, Steinem said. And I felt I had no life of my own. So I was just totally confused. She couldnt imagine a future with himor without him. At that point in her life, she was just beginning to experience her freedom as an independent adult, and she didnt want to give it up.

Days and months slipped away. Steinem graduated from Smith in June 1956 and spent the summer with her mother in Washington, DC, planning the wedding and traveling frequently to New York to look for an apartment and a job. Steinems mother, Ruth, liked Chotzinoff and thought that her daughter could be content as a wife, but she did make a revealing statement when Gloria was struggling to find work. Its probably a good idea if you get married right out of college, Ruth Steinem told her daughter, because once you get a taste of being independent, youll never want to get married.

Steinem couldnt go through with it. In the late summer she went to New York and spent one last night with Chotzinoff. In the early morning, she slipped the engagement ring off her finger and left it on his bedside table with a note explaining that she couldnt go through with the marriage. She snuck away while he was still asleep.

After he found the note, Chotzinoff reached out to Steinem, but she didnt respond. Instead, she accepted a postgraduate fellowship to study and travel in India. She wanted to get away because she didnt trust herself to resist Chotzinoff if she saw him again.

Its impossible to know what might have been, but if Steinem had chosen to marry Chotzinoff, she may never have changed the world the way she did. By breaking with traditional expectations, Steinem was able to realize her dreams and redefine what it meant to be a twentieth-century feminist. She became a respected journalist and author; she cofounded Ms. magazine and wrote a half-dozen bestselling books. She became a political activist and social reformer; she cofounded the National Womens Political Caucus, the Ms. Foundation, and the Womens Media Center, among other groups. She became a leader in the womens movement, raising her voice and speaking out on feminist issues for decades. In 2013, Barack Obama awarded Steinem the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest nonmilitary honor given by the United States government, and she has been included in a number of lists of the most influential women in America.