Kermode - Its only a movie: a cinematic autobiography inspired by true events

A Cinematic Autobiography
Inspired by Real Events

Mark Kermode

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Version 1.0

Epub ISBN 9781409099161

www.randomhouse.co.uk

Published by Random House Books 2010

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1

Copyright Mark Kermode 2010

Mark Kermode has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work

This book is substantially a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of the author. In some limited cases, names of people, places, dates, sequences or the detail of events have been changed solely to protect the privacy of others. The author has stated to the publishers that, except in such minor respects, the contents of this book are true.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

First published in Great Britain in 2010 by Random House Books

Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road, London SW1V 2SA

www.rbooks.co.uk

Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/offices.htm

The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9781847946027

The Random House Group Limited supports The Forest Stewardship Council (FSC), the leading international forest certification organisation. All our titles that are printed on Greenpeace approved FSC certified paper carry the FSC logo. Our paper procurement policy can be found at www.rbooks.co.uk/environment

Roger Eberts review of BlueVelvet, which is mentioned on pp.85-6, first appeared in the Chicago Sun Times on 19 September 1986

Designed and typeset by Darren Bennett

Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Mackays, Chatham, Kent

Oh I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused

Elvis Costello,
(The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes

This book is
dedicated to the memory of
Arnold P. Hinchliffe
and Perry Keenlyside

Its Only a Movie

Outspoken, opinionated, and never lost for words, Mark Kermode has carved out a career in print, radio and television based entirely on the belief that The Exorcist is the greatest movie ever made, and that the Pirates of the Caribbean films should be buried in a very deep hole where they can never bother anyone ever again.

We were somewhere near Lookout Mountain, on the outskirts of LA, when Werner Herzogs trousers exploded.

It was a small explosion, admittedly, as if a firecracker had gone off in his pocket. But it was an explosion nonetheless, and in an area where unexpected bangs are to be treated with suspicion, if not outright alarm.

Herzog had been shot that much was clear and was even now bleeding quietly into his boxer shorts as a tiny plume of smoke drifted photogenically from his pelvic region and into the evening air of LA. And as we stood there, the bold Bavarian with a bullet in his groin and the befuddled British film critic with ridiculous hair from Barnet, I wondered exactly the same thing that anyone else would have wondered in similar circumstances

If this were a TV Movie of the Week, who would play me?

Id like the answer to be Richard Gere, although physically the front-runner is clearly Jesse Birdsall, on whose behalf I have been merrily accepting compliments about my sterling work in that Spanish soap series for years. Apparently Birdsall and I are all but physically indistinguishable to the public at large, and Ive simply given up trying to tell people that Im not him (Ive even signed autographs with best wishes from Jesse to those who wont take no for an answer). Sometimes I wonder whether this is a two-way street, and whether Mr Birdsall has ever been thumped for writing a rotten review of Blue Velvet or punched on the arm for dubbing Keira Knightley Ikea Knightley in honour of her on-screen teakiness. If so, I apologise. And Jesse, if youre reading this, everyone really loved you in Eldorado and theres a genuine sense of outrage out there that the series was cancelled. Believe me, I know Ive experienced the love first-hand.

But looks arent everything (did Sir Anthony Hopkins look anything like Nixon? Was Kevin Spacey a dead ringer for Bobby Darin?) and since were in the realms of fantasy here I think I should get to choose whoever I like to play me.

And I choose Jason Isaacs.

Hello to Jason Isaacs.

In case you dont know (in which case shame on you) Jason Isaacs is just about my favourite actor in the whole gosh-darned world. Hes done everything from gritty TV dramas to rom-coms, war flicks, fantasy films and sci-fi blockbusters. To some of you hell be best known as the fiendish Lucius Malfoy from the Harry Potter films, but to me he is (in the words of David Bowie) chameleon, comedian, Corinthian and caricature.

More importantly, he is also the person whom I most wanted to be as a child. You see, Jason and I were at school together, in the same class, although we never really spoke or even acknowledged each others existence. I thought he was incredibly cool and aloof, being one of the first people at school to own a skateboard (a Fibreflex with Gullwing trucks and lime green Kryptonic wheels) and the very first to swear out loud in an English class (Who made the bloody sandwiches?). But it turns out that the real reason Jason never spoke to anyone was that he was just like me: isolated and alone, insecure and essentially out of place albeit infinitely more handsome. If truth be told I think I had a sort of schoolboy crush on Jason Isaacs, and Ive never really got over it. And if I get to choose who plays me in the movie of my life, then its Jason all the way he knows the background, hes done the research, and he would look really good with a quiff.

So, the lead role in The Mark Kermode Story (well need to come up with a better title Easy Writer perhaps, or The Man Who Watched The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance