Andrea Kitt - My Mother My Mirror

Copyright 2018 Andrea Kitt

First published in 2016 in the United Kingdom.

This book was originally published as Andreas Life.

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

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ISBN 978 1789010 619

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My mother, my mirror, I came from your womb

And the blood in my veins sings the song of your wound

Your roots were in tatters, your soul was in flight

When I entered your life on that long ago night

I knew you when love was so trapped in our eyes

That we would have stolen and stabbed for that prize

Yet still as we starved we were guarding our pain

And building great castles to cover our shame

That we begged them to look at again and again

How could you do anything other than cry

When the child that you were was just left there to die

And even your babies, the fruits of your life

Were found to have withered before they were ripe

But slowly, so slowly, weve found we can peep

At our innocent souls in their innocent sleep

And give them some comfort, and hear as they weep

And as our hearts soften along with our touch

As castles and fanfares do not mean so much

We find there are glimpses and moments of peace

Of mending and healing and blessed release

For the stress of the trying has loosened its hold

Now we sink to the Earth, now she cradles the soul

And we soak up the water that moistens our roots

While we gaze in delight at our lives and their fruits

Then because we feel safe and our work is all done

And the whole of us knows we are part of the one

We remember at last we were never apart

And love can flow freely from deep in our hearts.

CONTENTS

PREFACE

Time-wise, this book is shaped like a funnel, getting much wider towards the end. This is partly the natural result of being able to remember more about my recent history than the distant past, but also because writing the book has been part of a process of intense learning over the past few years, a change in perception that has made me see my past differently. So in the last chapters I have done a great deal of looking back over my life and trying to understand it all better, in order to be at peace with it and move forwards.

I began writing it at age fifty-nine, with the enormous support and encouragement of my then new friend Mick, who told me again and again that he loved my writing and found my life fascinating. Around the age of sixty seemed to be a natural time for looking back and taking stock, and once I got going the story carried me along with ease. I created a time line, to give me a basic idea of what happened when, and then simply wrote about whatever touched me most deeply during a particular time period which is why school, for example, only has one small paragraph even though I was there for years, whereas something like the birth of my daughter takes up a whole chapter.

I had no idea when I began writing where the journey would take me, and certainly no idea where it would end up, which turned out to be locking horns with my mother about the publication of the book and then having to do a lot of soul-searching to make sure I wasnt being unfair or vindictive in the things that I said, and adding more chapters in an attempt to redress any imbalance. I didnt make huge changes to what I had already written, because to do so would have been to betray my earlier self by watering down my strong and genuine feelings; but I have done my utmost to better understand the dynamic between myself and my mother and explain what I have learnt. I have also changed peoples names where this seemed appropriate.

Having said that, although I try as much as I can to get a clear perspective and see the larger picture, this account of my life is of course completely subjective. However accurate I try to be, I see things from my point of view and others may have experienced them in entirely different ways. But I have followed the chain of events, relationships and experiences that meant the most to me as honestly as I can, and I hope you enjoy my story.

TESTIMONIALS

For as long as I have known Andrea she has sought truth and more truth! She lives and writes with total and sometimes painful honesty, true to her own heart and to the all-consuming human longing for love. Her daring and colourful descriptions of her relationship with her mother, her children or her lovers leave you sometimes shocked, frequently moved, and inspired to live your own life with a brave and open heart.

SF, Artist.

I was reading this book until the small hours and then again this morning. Its a raw and emotional piece of writing, and it really speaks out to me. Thank you Andrea for sharing your inner self.

RC, Anthropologist.

Andrea grapples with the things that affect us all: family struggles, relationships, and the search for purpose and meaning. With a lively balance of pathos and humour, depth and light-heartedness, she openly shares her courage and her vulnerability.

RA, Actor.

We have all experienced trauma and pain in our lives, but you have certainly had more courage than most of us in laying it bare!

AF, Social Worker.

An unusually insightful book, whilst at the same time being endearingly warm and readable. Andrea is tenaciously determined to find the answers to lifes questions and overcome the challenges sent her way.

MR, Artisan.

I enjoyed it immensely. Each time I read some I didnt want to put it down, and looked forward to the next time I could pick it up again.

NH, Accountant.

Your book kept me captivated for a 3 hour train journey and even after that I couldnt put it down. It was a fascinating read: I love the way you write, particularly your honesty.

KF, Business Analyst

Andrea paints a vivid and honest picture of her fascinating life unique to her but relevant to us all. Her willingness to acknowledge, process and overcome hurdles emotional and otherwise is an inspiration. It was a pleasure to get to know her through her words.

OD, Writer.

Reading your book made me reflect on my own experiences. You have a lust for life that is both direct and compassionate, and I am inspired by the courage with which you navigate the labyrinth of your family relationships.

TW, Engineer.

Andreas life has been one of extremes from barely speaking as a child, to performing songs in public; from the celibate life of the ashram to dancing at the Pink Pussycat strip club. I admire the way she integrates each experience and uses it as another step on her journey.