Dorothy Foltz-Gray - With and Without Her: A Memoir of Being and Losing a Twin
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With and Without Her: A Memoir of Being and Losing a Twin: summary, description and annotation
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Here, Foltz-Gray, an award-winning poet and journalist, recounts not only the extraordinary phenomenon of growing up in a world that could not distinguish her from another human being, but also the struggle to survive the loss of her twin. Foltz-Gray describes the imagined womb life she and her sister shared, their childhood and family, and their dreams of sharing each others lives. She also details the nightmare of her sisters death, its immediate aftermath, and her attempts to recover her self.
With and Without Her is the story of what happens when a life divides into before and after. It is a story of identity and individuation, confusion and competition, intimacy and separation, violence and murder. Most of all, it is the story we all face, of loss and survival.
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Copyright 2012 by Dorothy Foltz-Gray
Dorothy Foltz-Gray's writing makes you feel as if you are living her lifeand lossalong with her. She conveys the unique connectedness of being a twin, the particular pain of being so violently separated, and her journey toward healing with language that's alive with honesty, heartache, even humor.
-- Lisa Delaney, VP/Editor-in-Chief, Spry magazine/Spryliving.com, and author of Secrets of a Former Fat Girl (Plume, 2008)
Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words clearly never read anything written by Dorothy Foltz-Gray. Line by line, word by exquisite word, Foltz-Gray recreates not just the world in which we live, the world we see and touch, but the worlds we hold within the worlds we feel. In With and Without Her, her tribute to her late twin sister, Deane, she does it again: With her, we laugh. With her, we weep. This is their story Deane and Dorothys, and Dorothys alone; but for anyone who has ever had a sister, a brother, a best friend, this tender and beautifully written memoir is your story, too.
--Abigail Esman, award-winning writer/essayist, columnist for Forbes.com
With and Without Her is a poignant look inside the deepest of twinships, that of the split egg, an identical, and the wrenching grief and disorientation when that other half is ripped away. Foltz-Gray writes with courageous intimacy about her sisters murder and her own struggle to live on as a singleton.
--Janine Latus, author of the best seller If I Am Missing or Dead: A Sisters Story of Love, Murder and Liberation (Simon & Schuster, Century/Arrow Books, 2007)
Identical twins -- to crib a bit from F. Scott Fitzgerald -- ... are different from you and me. In pulling back the curtain on the uncommonly strong ties that bind siblings who come from a single egg, Dorothy Foltz-Gray chronicles her lifelong journey to find her own self in relation to her twin and soulmate, feeling her way through sameness and separateness until the ultimate separation -- her sisters brutal murder -- is forced upon her. As Foltz-Gray staggers through the shattered kaleidoscope of grief and pain that follows her sisters death, she creates beauty from horror, excavates self-knowledge from doubt and uncertainty and ultimately finds her own separate, if still uneasy, peace. With and Without Her is a poetic tale of connection and separation, confusion and identity that continues to tug at your heart and mind long after youve read the closing lines.
--Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, creator of the family life blog Don't Put Lizards In Your Ears
This is a story that, when told directly, shuts people up, the kind of story that drives people to change the subject, or cross the street when they see the teller coming. In 1949, author Dorothy Foltz-Gray and her identical twin sister, Deane, were born. In 1981, Deane, then a psychologist, was fatally shot by one of her patients. In the years between, the pair formed an almost supernaturally close bond, one so intimate that at times, their memories fused and their individual identities dimmed.
Here, Foltz-Gray, an award-winning poet and journalist, recounts not only the extraordinary phenomenon of growing up in a world that could not distinguish her from another human being, but also the struggle to survive the loss of her twin. Foltz-Gray describes the imagined womb life she and her sister shared, their childhood and family, and their dreams of sharing each others lives. She also details the nightmare of her sisters death, its immediate aftermath, and her attempts to recover her self.
With and Without Her is the story of what happens when a life divides into before and after. It is a story of identity and individuation, confusion and competition, intimacy and separation, violence and murder. Most of all, it is the story we all face, of loss and survival.
Dorothy Foltz-Gray has been a freelance writer and editor specializing in health, fitness, food, and personal essays for eighteen years. A former editor of books (business and medical) and magazines (fiction, lifestyle) at Whittle Communications in Knoxville, Tennessee, she is the author of Clean Sweep: The Principles of an American Entrepreneur and the Company He Founded; Make Pain Disappear; Alternative Treatments for Arthritis: An A to Z Guide; and co-author of Food Cures. Her work has appeared in Bon Appetit; Cooking Light; Good Housekeeping; Health; Ladies Home Journal; Parenting; Prevention; O, The Oprah Magazine; Reader's Digest; Redbook; Real Simple; Woman's Day; and others. She is a winner of the Tennessee Arts Commission Fellowship for Poetry; a Mature Media Gold Award; and an East Tennessee Society of Professional Journalists Award of Excellence. She lives in Asheville, North Carolina, with her husband, Dan.
Also by Dorothy Foltz-Gray
Clean Sweep: The Principles of an American Entrepreneur and the Company He Founded
Make Pain Disappear
Food Cures (co-author)
The Arthritis Foundations Guide to Good Living with Rheumatoid Arthritis (editor)
The Arthritis Foundations Guide to Good Living with Fibromyalgia (author)
Alternative Treatments for Arthritis: An A to Z Guide (editor/author)
Good Living with Osteoarthritis (editor)
For D and D
Preface
I am sitting in a doctors waiting room, leaning over papers I have brought with me. An employee passes several times and finally stops.
Are you_______? she asks me. She names a person Ive never heard of.
No.
Well, you have a twin. She passes in front of me doing her work. They say everyone has a twin, and you surely do. You have a twin.
I feel the heat in my face.
I am a twin, I say. I had a twin sister who died.
The woman looks at me closely, her banter sobered. Oh. Im sorry. She moves on, stops, and smiles. Then you really are a twin.
People ask me, Who is your sister? When she died, my memories of her, of us, became a vault of videotapes in my head, tapes I could play over and over. The first tapes I played were of her murder, what I didnt see, what I imagined. These films had variations, clips I was in, clips of Deanes head turning to the side, clips of her horrible surprise. In my dreams, her office was hugethe lair of a Hollywood mogul where my sister sat behind a huge desk in a leather chair. It was the office of a movie psychologist, elegant, expansive. In reality the office had barely room enough for Deane, her desk, and a patient. When James Palmer appeared, he was less than three feet away from my sister. With a gun, he would have looked enormous, the haunt in her doorway.
Now the memories are muted. It is hard to root for them, like searching an attic without a flashlight. In part, this is because I am practiced at keeping Deane elsewhere, at removing what cant carry me forward. But when I want to, I can include Deane in any setting. She is sitting across from me now, drinking coffee. She wants me to finish my work so we can go into Charleston. Shes glad for me that I am writing this book but only if I am glad. It embarrasses her that I reveal so much and talk so long. How do you do it? she asks.
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