Katie Matthews with Jane Smith - I Remember, Daddy: The harrowing true story of a daughter haunted by memories too terrible to forget

I Remember,
Daddy

The harrowing true story of a daughter haunted
by memories too terrible to forget

Katie Matthews

Contents

T he sound of Jackies laugh was a distant, muffled echo, and as I tried to focus on her face, the room began to spin. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, as though someone had stabbed me with the redhot blade of a knife, and I gasped.

Katie? Are you all right? Jackies voice came in waves, as though someone was placing a hand over the speaker on a radio and then lifting it away again. I tried to answer her, but it felt as though my tongue had swollen and was blocking off the back of my throat so that I could barely breathe. My whole body seemed heavy, and as I reached out my hand to try to steady myself on the reception desk, everything around me faded to blackness and I dropped to the ground like a puppet whose strings had been abruptly cut.

I dont know how long Id been lying on the floor before I opened my eyes and saw the blurred image of Jackies anxious face. She was leaning over me and her lips were moving, although all I could hear was the loud pulsing of blood in my head. I tried to sit up, but a firm hand on my shoulder pushed me gently down again, and then a voice that wasnt Jackies said, Dont try to get up, Katie. Youve had a nasty fall. Just lie still for a minute.

And that was when the hammer started pounding violently in my head, making me feel sick and disorientated, so that it was a relief to lie back and feel the solid floor beneath the rough, ribbed-cord carpet. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, the room had finally stopped revolving and I could see more clearly both Jackies face and that of another work colleague who was kneeling on the floor beside her.

As my senses gradually began to return, I became aware of a warm dampness that seemed to be seeping through the back of my skirt. The last thing I could remember was standing talking to Jackie, whod been telling me something funny that had made us both laugh, and I supposed I must have been holding a cup of coffee, which Id spilt when, presumably, Id fainted.

Someone had placed a coat over me like a blanket, and I felt for the edge of it with my fingers and tried to say the word coffee. But the only sound I made was a hoarse, unintelligible whisper. I swallowed and tried again, and this time Jackie leaned forward and gently covered my hand with the coat as she said, No, Katie. Dont have coffee now. Wait just a little while, until youre feeling better.

I tried to shake my head, but the movement made the hammer inside it pound more vigorously, and so, for a moment, I lay completely still, waiting for the wave of nausea that was washing over me to recede. Then, twisting my shoulders so that I could reach down towards the hem of my skirt, I touched the dampness on my leg. I must have banged my arm on the reception desk as I fell, because a sharp pain like an electric shock shot from my elbow to my wrist. Again, I lay completely still, waiting for the worst of the pain to pass before I pulled my hand out slowly from beneath the coat and raised it in front of my face.

At first, I couldnt identify the dark stain on my fingers. It wasnt coffee, or even, as Id been so afraid it might be, my own urine. And then I realised it was blood. A jolt of fear made my heart start to race and I felt a sense of total weariness. I rested my hand, palm upwards, on top of the coat that covered me and whispered Jackies name.

Yes, love, she said immediately, leaning over me again and smiling a small, reassuring smile. Im still here, Katie.

At that moment, someone must have noticed the blood on my fingers, because a hand slowly lifted the edge of the coat and I heard a sharp intake of breath, followed by a mans voice saying, Oh my God! Theres blood everywhere. Its all over her legs. Wheres that sodding ambulance?

Someone shushed him, and then Jackie put her hand on my arm. Its all right, Katie, she said. You probably cut yourself when you fell. I expect you caught your leg on the side of the desk. Weve called an ambulance just to be on the safe side, so that they can check you over and make sure you havent broken anything. Youre okay, though. Youre going to be okay. Dont worry.

But I could see clearly the worry in her eyes.

She stroked the top of my arm distractedly as she added, Someones gone to find Tom. Hell be here any minute. Youll be all right, Katie.

I wanted to tell her that they wouldnt find my boyfriend Tom, because he was out doing a delivery. But it suddenly felt as though a weight was pressing down on top of me, forcing the last few ounces of energy out of my body. So, instead, I just closed my eyes and let the hot tears run out between my eyelashes.

They didnt make contact with Tom before the ambulance arrived, so I went to the hospital alone. And as I lay in the emergency department, staring up at a patch of flaking paint on the ceiling above my head, I tried not to be afraid.

It sounded as though a dozen people were all talking at once, and then someone laid a long-fingered hand on my arm and said, in a slow, precise voice, Im sorry, Katherine. Im afraid you may be losing the baby.

Finally, I had something to focus on. But although I could understand each of the individual words the doctor had spoken, I couldnt make sense of what hed actually said. I wiped my hand across my eyes, brushing away some of the tears that were wetting my hair and dampening the pillow under my head, and then I turned to look at the doctor.

What baby? There is no baby. I cant I sobbed a single, choking sob and whispered, I was raped when I was 18. And I was damaged. So I cant have a baby.

Im sorry. The doctor touched my arm again and I wondered for a moment whether he meant that he was sorry because Id been raped or because hed made a mistake about the baby I couldnt have. Youre definitely pregnant, though, he said. We need to take you up to the operating theatre to have a proper look.

I felt the small knot of panic that had been lying like a lump of lead in my stomach start to unravel, sending expanding threads of fear up through my chest until I could taste its sourness in my mouth. I pressed my face into the pillow and, for a moment, thought about giving in to the miserable weariness that was threatening to overwhelm me, and sleep. Instead, though, I turned to look at the doctor again, reached out to touch his white-coated sleeve and said, Please try to save my baby.

When I woke up from the anaesthetic, Tom was sitting beside the bed, his hand covering mine, and as I looked up into his eyes, I knew immediately that there had been a baby and that they hadnt managed to save it. I felt an almost physical sense of sadness and loss, which seemed out of all proportion for something Id never really known Id had. And as Tom leaned forward to touch my cheek with his fingers, I burst into tears and cried as though my heart had broken.

T om worked in the despatch department of the company where Id been working for the last few months. Wed fallen for each other almost as soon as we met, and within a few weeks Id moved in to live with him at his mum and dads house. That was the way I did everything in those days; I was impetuous and made quick decisions, determined to live my life to the full and to throw all my energy into doing the things I wanted to do. It was always all or nothing with me then, and I knew Id been really lucky to find Tom. He was a shy, lovely guy, with a large, loving family that soon became the family Id never really had.

Tom and I had been together just less than three months when I collapsed that day at work. We hadnt been using contraception, because Id told him that Id been raped when I was 18 and that, because of the damage that had been done to me, the doctor had said it was very unlikely Id ever be able to have children. It was a sadness I thought Id come to terms with, and Tom had seemed to accept it too. But, when I had the miscarriage and we lost the baby that day, I could tell he hadnt been as resigned to the prospect of not having children as hed pretended.