Tom Boyd - Nowhere to Hide: A memoir of football, mental health and resilience

Tom Boyd was an outstanding youth athlete, destined from childhood for a career in professional sports. At the age of eighteen, he joined the GWS Giants as the AFLs number 1 draft pick and was later recruited to play for the Western Bulldogs on a record $7 million contract. In 2016 Tom was instrumental in the Bulldogs drought-breaking Premiership win, playing arguably the greatest game of his career and helping steer the team to ultimate victory. However, in 2019, following years of struggle with depression and anxiety, Tom made the decision to walk away from the AFL, leaving the fame and success of football behind him for a happier life. Tom is now a public speaker and mental health advocate. Nowhere to Hide is his first book.

For Anna and Armani

I hope I make you proud

First published in 2022

Copyright Tom Boyd 2022

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

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ISBN 978 1 76106 549 1

eISBN 978 1 76106 488 3

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Cover photograph: Tina Smigielski

1 OCTOBER 2016

Sitting on the field of the MCG, having just won an AFL Premiership, I felt like a titan. I had played out the moments of that day countless times in my mind, not just in the lead-up to the game but all my life. I had dreamed of winning a Premiership, of being the hero, kicking the big goal and taking the big mark. And everything I had ever dreamed of had just come true.

Sitting next to me was Joel Hamling, another Bulldog hero. We laughed and smiled as we soaked in every ounce of joy that surrounded us, from the field up to the furthest reaches of the great coliseum that is the Melbourne Cricket Ground. It was magical. Red, white and blue confetti rained down on us, painting the once-green playing field of the MCG in the Bulldogs colours. Tens of thousands of people cheered, singing the clubs theme song as it played, over and over again. Fans of all ages hugged each other. Some cried, others laughed, some hollered with so much bravado that it almost seemed like they had been on the field, playing alongside us. Every single Bulldogs fan in the stadium, from the lifelong supporters to allies who had donned a Footscray scarf for the day, cheered the first Premiership the club had won in 62 years.

I could barely comprehend it. This was the biggest moment of my life and I knew that it would be an incredible moment in my football career, but it was impossible for me, at 21, to truly understand what this meant for the people around me. I couldnt really grasp what it meant for those who had played their entire career at the club, men like Matthew Boyd and Dale Morris, or for those who had become Bulldogs in their fathers footsteps, like Tom Liberatore, Lachie Hunter and Liam Picken.

I loved all of my teammates in that moment, but I was most comfortable next to Joel. We were both at our second AFL club, having arrived together two years earlier. I didnt share that overwhelming sense felt by many of release, 62 years in the making, but the intensity of the moment still swallowed me up. I had played the game of a lifetime, been one of the best players on the ground, and had just kicked a goal which I knew would go down in history. That was enough.

Soon, Joel and I were joined by the man who was perhaps the single most instrumental figure in the Bulldogs success, club president Peter Gordon. He and I grasped the cup together, Peter doing his best impression of an actual bulldog, and the moment was snapped into eternity by the swarms of photographers.

It was a special moment for us. We said little, but felt a lot. Peter had given everything for his club, over decades, to rescue the team from bankruptcy and create for us the chance to experience the ultimate victory. I knew he had taken a risk on me, offering a seven-year deal to a green eighteen-year-old hopeful. He was given no shortage of criticism for that choice but he had weathered the storm, resolutely supporting me, and I had finally repaid his faith in me.

Peter was one of the few people who had a true sense of what I had been through in my career, but even he was broadly unaware of the mental health struggles I had been wrestling with for years. Though I had dreamed about this day since I was a boy, it had felt like it would never happen, that I wouldnt be playing football long enough to enjoy this moment of success.

Every step along the way, ever since I was drafted, had felt like an uphill battle: I had to perform and win for my own self-esteem. Over the years, severe anxiety had led to sleepless nights, and sleepless nights had led to deep feelings of sadness and hopelessness. More times than I could count, I had questioned why I was playing professional football at all. I had struggled privately, joylessly, for so long. This was my long road to an AFL Premiership. This was the story that did not make the headlines.

Holding that cup, I tried to make sense of the moment. My senses had been dialled up to eleven while I gave all my attention to the task of winning a football game. Now, with that military focus gone, the commotion around me was giving me a sensory overload, as if I were staring into the sun. What am I feeling? Was it vindication, after all the criticism that had been hurled at me? No, it couldnt be. Was it satisfaction? Not really. It felt more like relief. I was relieved. Its all been worth it.

Im a Premiership player, I thought. They can never take this away from me. Everything is going to be different now.

In a way, I was right. My name would be enshrined in gold in the Western Bulldogs locker room, forever. I would be reminded of that day for years to come. I would always be Tom Boyd, Premiership Player. But all the glory couldnt change who I was, deep downan insecure 21-year-old who was in an ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. I thought that moment would wipe away every doubt, every sadness, every fear inside me, but the road ahead was never going to be that easy.

As early as I can remember, my time was spent around football clubs. Players, coaches, officials and volunteers were the people who shaped much of my young life. From the age of three, I was running around on the cold, muddy ground at Mullum Mullum Reserve in Ringwood, the home ground of my local club, Norwood, just like my dad, Geoff, had done before me. In the old, nicotine-stained clubrooms there was an iconic photo of Dad hoisting the 1989 Eastern District League Premiership cup as captain-coach, surrounded by teammates and covered in beer. It was a real family affair.