Tim Paine - The Price Paid: A story of life, cricket and lessons learned

About The Price Paid

Tim Paine was the golden child of Australian cricket. Affectionately dubbed The Kid by fans, Paine was the youngest-ever contracted player in Australia at 16 years old. The wicketkeeper-batsman rose to the captains chair as the cleanskin new leadership after the furore of the ball-tampering incident in South Africa. Paines three-year turn at Test captaincy was turbulent on the pitch, with a slew of narrow wins and close, tough results.

Then, in November 2021, a sexting scandal saw him step down as Australias Test captain, taking an indefinite break from the game. Paine was down - but not out.

As the scandal has played out in the public spotlight, Paine has had to grapple with the effect of the aftermath on his marriage, his career and his reputation. He made a mistake - and has paid the price for it. A high price.

In a frank, heartfelt autobiography, Tim Paine reflects on the highs and lows of his prestigious career, his time captaining the gentlemans game, what the baggy green means to him and the impact one choice can have on a life.

To Bonnie, Milla and Charlie. You are my life.

O ne day you are living the dream. Its a clich but this was the complete clich. The dream with a capital D. Captain of your country, about to play an Ashes series with a team thats as good as any going around, playing cricket with mates, travelling the world, living out the fantasy.

The next youre sitting at home with nothing but shame. Then theres despair.

Your wife is leaving you, your name is mud, you hate yourself and you hate what you have done and you hate the thoughts tormenting your every waking moment. The kids are looking at you with no idea whats going on, and you cant sleep, you cant eat, you cant function, you cant go outside or answer the phone or look yourself in the eye.

The darkest of thoughts keep coming and you want to bargain, youd give up everything to have your wife back, but youd given up everything for a game and now you dont even have that.

You want to know what that was like? What it was like to see everything go up in flames? What its like to live among the ashes? Come into this place for a while then, but be advised that its not pretty. I hope you dont think I feel sorry for myself, no doubt there are times when I did, but mostly I hate myself for what Id done and Im not just talking about those few minutes of stupidity on a mobile phone on the eve of the Brisbane Ashes Test four years before.

I dont want to make excuses or beg for your pity. Dont read it and weep, Ive shed enough tears. Read it and learn and thank whoever that you never lived it.

Good days you can frame like memorabilia and assign an individual number, bad ones just run into each other, they find the lowest ground and just pool there.

Most days Im broken, sometimes Im angry and one day in the middle of all this I see my Australian kit all packed up in the Cricket Australia bag on the shelf in the garage and ready for the first Test in Brisbane and I stuff everything into the rubbish bin. Then I pick up the Cricket Tasmania bag and I do the same. Pads, bats, gloves, helmets, everything.

This spiral started almost four years to the date it finished. November 2017, Brisbane, at the team hotel in Southbank. On a high, about to re-ignite a cricket career Id thought had passed me by. The Ashes are on, the first Test a few days away, the tension exquisite, but excruciating too.

A text exchange from an employee at Cricket Tasmania turns flirtatious and the exchange goes too far. I was an idiot, but it was consensual and... it was unspeakably, unforgivably stupid.

I knew Id done something really, really dumb. I was a dickhead.

I worry about it constantly but life goes on. Until it doesnt.

June 2018, Hobart, and that dream Im living has gone up a notch. Im no longer the recycled wicketkeeper whose selection they say highlights how desperate Australian cricket is. Seven months after those stories were written, Im the Australian captain. Maybe they did turn to me in desperation, but they turned to me and Im ready to go to Brisbane to meet the new coach Justin Langer and lead the team to England for a one-day series. Im at home, the phone rings and I see Nick Cumminss name come up on the screen. He is the chief executive of Cricket Tasmania, hes the reason Im still playing cricket for the Tigers, the reason I had to ring Kookaburra Sport 18 months before and say I wasnt going to take that job as a sales rep. It was a good opportunity, but Tassie, whod just employed Nick and made a few other changes, were willing to give me another shot. Then Cricket Australia followed and gave me a second chance and now Im here about to lead the team on my first tour as Australian captain.

Cummins says he has an issue. He says the employee has left but shes told them she has sexual messages and a picture I sent her. She makes allegations about other men working there too.

My hearts in my mouth. My pulse rates gone through the roof. I know Im trying to keep calm but Im not doing very well at it.

Yeah, theyre from me, I admit. Theres no denying the exchange.

I dont remember much more of the phone call because I am thrown into a world of fear and panic. I could see instantly how bad this was going to look when my wife Bonnie found out. This is going to break her, we have a child, a home, a relationship thats going better than it has been. At this point crickets a secondary thought. Ive told everyone since I got back into the game that every day has been a bonus. Dont get me wrong, cricket matters, Ive devoted every minute of my life since I was a boy in shorts to the game, for most of my life it mattered too much, but right now I can only think about Bonnie.

I ring my manager, James Henderson, hes a good mate too, a good man, another Tasmanian who has looked after Ricky Ponting and Phil Hughes and who knows his way around. Hes been guiding me since I was recalled in November. Things have gone to another level now Im the captain. I can hear in his voice that this is serious, but nobody needs to tell me that.

Nick or James rings Cricket Australia and I suppose theyre briefed. I dont know. I try and carry on with my pre-tour routine, but I cant concentrate.

Somehow I get to Brisbane where the team is all gathered, ready to meet Justin Langer as our coach for the first time and prepare for the trip over to England. Were having meetings, were talking about a new start for Australian cricket, JLs telling us his vision, theres the pall of the sandpaper incident in South Africa sitting over the group like a dark cloud, but Ive got my own personal storm thats keeping me distracted.

The dream has become a nightmare, and it is horrendous.

The worst part of it was agonising over what it would do to Bonnie, but the other part was wondering when it would all come out. Would I wake up today and see it all over the papers, turn on the radio and hear the breaking news? That would be so hard for my mum and dad. I was just in a totally anxious state. I couldnt think about anything else, there were waves of anxiety and anguish crashing over me the whole time.

Everyone in Brisbane was nervous and excited about a new start. Australian cricket was in a strange place. No one was really sure what would happen. Steve Smith and David Warner, the captain and vice-captain, had been suspended for a year. Cameron Bancroft got banned for nine months. The game was at a loss about where to go and what to do. The media and the public had been vicious. It felt like wed been attacked by an angry mob.