Laurie Condon - Everything is a Big Deal, Until Its Not

2019 by Laurie Condon

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.

The final approval for this literary material is granted by the author.

First digital version

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Print ISBN: 978-1-68433-376-9

PUBLISHED BY BLACK ROSE WRITING

www.blackrosewriting.com

Print edition produced in the United States of America

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INTRODUCTION

I can remember being a kid anticipating all of the milestones I could not wait to hit and watching my sister, who is ten years older than I am, get there first.

I always thought she was so cool, so I wanted to participate in whatever she was doing.

Things have changed now. I do not really envy her menopause, and frankly, I thought that I was going to miss that period (pun intended) because of the active lifestyle I lead.

So, as I sit here reflecting and trying to figure out a way to embrace the unknown rather than worry about it, I cannot help but realize that many good things come out of the hard times. It is recognizing the good that is paramount to making the most of the journey.

This is a trip down memory lane for me. I have been trying to take inventory of where I am and how I got to this place. What prompted this nostalgia was my own experience with peri-menopause. Prior to peri-menopause, I never really thought too much about how old I was because I have always felt much younger than my age. However, when my period started getting erratic, and my weight started going up for no good reason, it dawned on me that it had arrived. Aside from the physical symptoms, I am experiencing, I cannot stop thinking about being old. I know age is just a number, but honestly, I have reached a high number, and I am not jazzed. So, the revelation that Everything Is A Big Deal Until It Is Not dawned on me when I was thinking about how much getting older sucks. I started remembering that puberty was not much fun either, nor was dating, nor doing term papers, interviewing for jobs, etc. Hence the title. I just want to be mindful of all of the many accomplishments and lessons I have learned and keep enjoying life to its fullest potential.

PUBERTY

ARE YOU THERE GOD?

From the fourth grade on, I was enamored with every adolescent book written by Judy Blume. Her novels gave me a peek into the unchartered waters of puberty. By the time I started to notice my body changing, I was vigilantly doing my daily we must, we must, we must increase our bust exercises I garnered from Are You There God, It s Me Margaret .

I was right on schedule and got my first period at age twelve and a half. When my breasts started developing, my mom suggested we go shopping for a bra. I still cannot adjust the straps without help, and this moment is one of the many times I realize how much I miss her. Puberty proved to be exciting, anxiety-provoking, and embarrassing. Embarrassing simply because these types of topics were not talked about in my house. Of course, we were encouraged to talk about anything we wanted, but the tension I would feel suggested otherwise. Similarly, the ten- year age difference between my sister and I precluded this type of discussion as well. She was already married and out of the house. Not to worry, I still had encyclopedia Judy Blume.

For the first time ever, I no longer needed to be threatened into taking a shower. Some people go through the notorious teenage awkward phase worse than others, and I was no exception. Between ages twelve and thirteen, I was chubby, had a protruding bite, and my mom made my clothes. I know, it sucked. I still cringe when I see Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles drinking from the water fountain wearing her headgear. Thankfully I only had to wear my headgear at night. I was not on track to be voted prom queen, but for whatever reason, I was not aware of just how awkward I was even when I was in the throes of it. I attribute this to my parents, who instilled some sort of confidence in me and also to the fact that I always had friends who liked and accepted me.

I remember calling my mother when I first spotted (pun intended) the onset of my menstrual cycle. She was at work, and I was a little bit freaked out. I think some of my friends had already gotten their periods, so I knew it was coming, but I still recall feeling different after it officially started. Although I had several close friends, pubic hair and bras were difficult topics to bring up, which is why the Judy Blume reference guide normalized the uncertainty about what was happening for me. I recall those poor girls who were made fun of for being well endowed and subsequently accused of being easy for that reason. They were struggling with the same fears as other girls their age. Only a couple of years later they became the envy of their classmates, especially for the late bloomers.

This was the first time my weight became of interest to me. My baby fat was no longer cute, nor was I a baby. I was a woman (barely), and the stakes of adolescence were higher, so I was determined to lose weight. I sought out help from my mother, but she was hesitant to help me because my sister had just recovered from anorexia. With no other choice, I decided to take my weight into my own hands.

THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD

When I was eight, I shadowed my sister and nagged her to let me tag along on her dates. I wanted to be included in her life. I could not reconcile the fact that she was not equally enthusiastic by the prospect of bringing me with her (skip ahead thirty-five years, it is like how I cannot understand why my son does not want me tagging along with him either). Granted I get it now, she was eighteen, and I do have some remorse about nagging her, but she was so mean about it, that years later we decided to call our actions a draw for all intents and purposes. However, on one occasion she extended a rare invite for me to accompany her and her boyfriend to a work picnic. I was so excited, I vowed that I was not going to be any trouble so that this invite would not be an anomaly. The significance of this outing changed the course of my entire adolescence.

We got to the picnic, and I went off on my own to swim in the lake while she hung around her colleagues and socialized. One of her co-workers, who seemed so much older, but was probably only eighteen, started talking to me. We were in the middle of the lake, and I began to feel uneasy. I did my best to get away, but it was only after he inappropriately touched me that I managed to escape. This event left me with a lot of uncomfortable feelings. I was too scared to tell my sister about what happened because I thought I would never be included again. So, I kept the incident to myself. Funny, when I try to remember the details, I cannot, but I can visualize the bathing suit I was wearing, and I can picture the gathering around the picnic tables after I had gotten free.