Lauren Bacall - By Myself and Then Some

For my children Stephen, Leslie, Sam and in memory of my mother

All I had known of films was Bette Davis and Leslie Howard. (I was in love with him alas, was never to meet him.) She was my fifteen-year-old idea of perfection fine actress, dramatic bravery, doomed tragedy, sardonic wit all an actress should be, and when I cut school I would sit all day in a movie house sobbing through Dark Victory or Jezebel or The Old Maid, smoking in the balcony (I paid for a whole package, so I had to finish it). Forbidden at home, of course getting sick on tobacco, and Sen-Sen to get the stench out of my mouth so as to go undetected by Mother and Uncle Charlie. One morning my uncle came in to kiss me goodbye before leaving for work and said, Have you been smoking? Shaking, I replied, Of course not. Whereupon he went into the next room to tell my mother he was certain I was smoking whereupon they both faced me, trembling in my bed. We know you have been, we can smell it on your breath. What had happened to Sen-Sen? it had failed me for the first time. In a flood of tears I confessed I had, but I would never do it again! Please forgive me I promise. Mother: Youd better not, a girl your age disgusting what kind of a girl do you want to become nice girls of fifteen dont smoke! Oh God would I survive this humiliation!

Tail between the legs for days afterward Charlie and Mother sniffing daily, trying to detect the evil weed. My first confrontation with the Sam Spade syndrome. Wouldnt I ever grow up be on my own, free to do what I wished? Wouldnt I ever live alone? The purity of Jewish upbringing the restrictions that one carries through life being a nice Jewish girl what a burden. But if you were and I was you had it drummed into your head from childhood by your mother, grandmother, uncles, that nice Jewish girls didnt smoke werent fast nice Jewish girls had character. Dont chase a boy, ever if he wants to see you, hell call; if not, forget him. But what were you to do if your head was filled with dreams of beauty, glamour, romance, accomplishment, and if you were stuck with being tall, ungainly (I didnt know I was colt-like until a critic said I was), with big feet, flat chested too young to have finished high school at fifteen, too inexperienced, shy, frightened to know what to do with a boy when I did have a date? If my dream would only come true, then I would know how to behave, then things would fall into place wouldnt they?

I wouldnt always be a wallflower. Already there was one boy who had a fantastic crush on me. I went out with him because there was no one else, and I tried to make him part of my romantic dream. Hed kiss me goodnight. He was sweet to me, he was boring, but he did call Id better be nice to him. It was soon Christmas, then New Years, and I didnt want to be alone New Years Eve not when my friends had dates so I went to a party with him on New Years Eve just sixteen, sweet sixteen and we danced to Deep Purple while I pretended he was Leslie Howard. Pretending started early. What a fantasy world so much better than the real one. We sat on a sofa in the darkened room, he had his arm around me he kissed me, I guess all the kids were doing the same thing Happy New Year! Why wasnt he Leslie Howard just for that moment I looked at him? It wasnt good enough, I thought, to have someone crazy about you if you felt nothing. No it would not do. I couldnt stand him, couldnt bear to let him touch me. I should have known right then that it would always be the same I had to be madly in love or utterly revolted. No happy mediums for me! So I started that year 1941 deciding not to see him again. I always made out a list of New Years resolutions and that was one of them. I didnt keep the others, but I did keep that one. No compromises in life for me I wouldnt settle Id rather not go out, just live with my dreams.

Each time I was in love this was it. The hunger to belong. Imagination is the highest kite that can fly. When you have nothing but dreams, thats all you think about, all that matters, all that takes you away from humdrummery the fact that your mother was working too hard and didnt have enough in her own life, that your grandmother, loving though she was, wanted you to get a decent job to help your mother, that you didnt have enough money to do anything you wanted to do, even buy a lousy coat for $17.95. Dreams were better that was where my hope lay Id hang on to them, never let go. They were my own.

It wasnt that I was deprived we just had to live on a strict budget. No, it was that everything I fantasized about had nothing to do with everything I lived. Not a thing! Yet Mother gave me everything everything she could more. She was a decent, proud, honorable woman who despite her struggles never lost her sense of humor. She just wanted me to be perfect. She wanted me to have it all, but to know and to learn while the search was on; to realize that there were other things not to lose sight of. She wasnt proud of having to count the pennies not resentful just very private about that and everything else to do with family. Some things are never told to anyone one protects the family, all skeletons are left in the closet. She had the strongest family feeling of any of her brothers or sisters. She wanted everyone together. She felt that the family finally would never let each other down outsiders might. She could accept the live-and-let-live theory from any and all but relations.

She was not demonstrative, but I never doubted her love and her total dedication to me. We had happy times my grandmother cooking, singing me German songs, reading constantly in French, German, Rumanian, Russian, and English. She and Mother spoke Rumanian or German when they didnt want me to understand. Not too often, but family problems were to be kept from me. Nothing came easy everything was worked for but with it all there was laughter. Charlie and Mother led the field in that area. Charlie was rhyme-happy. At any important or semi-important occasion he would write a pertinent rhyme. Everyone in the family had humor. Everyone was educated, they all had professions: two lawyers, one executive secretary, one businessman, one housewife (self-employed). My father was Polish with I think some French. But what I learned, I learned from my mothers side.

Mother left Rumania by ship aged somewhere between one and two with her mother, father, older sister, baby brother. Her father had been in the wheat business, had been wiped out, and had turned over whatever silver and jewelry there was left to a sister for money enough to transport his family to the promised land the new young world, America. They arrived on Ellis Island and gave their name Weinstein-Bacal (meaning wineglass in German and Russian). The man must have written down just the first half of the name too many people from too many countries, too many foreign names so it was Max and Sophie Weinstein, daughters Renee and Natalie, son Albert. Grandfather Max borrowed enough money from United Hebrew Charities to go to a place in downtown New York, live in a ghastly apartment, set up a pushcart with all sorts of household goods for sale. Never tell anyone about that, Betty. One family fact that Mother always hated the pushcart. A whispered word. (I found it wonderful dramatic.) Not like the wheat business. He wanted something better for his family there were cousins who lived in a place called the Bronx that would be better. The family moved there, bought a candy store, found a small apartment. Grandpa Max did the best he could. Two more children Charlie and Jack were born in America. Grandma worked in the candy store, Renee, the eldest, helped after school; Natalie my mother was still too young. Grandpa had suffered with a goiter for years and was given much medication for it heart-weakening medication. One afternoon he went to a movie, came home, lay down for a while, and died. He was fifty-five.