Hillary Clinton - What Happened

This is my story of what happened.

Its the story of what I saw, felt, and thought during two of the most intense years Ive ever experienced.

Its the story of what led me to this crossroads of American history and how I kept going after a shocking defeat; how I reconnected with the things that matter most to me and began to look ahead with hope, instead of backward with regret.

Its also the story of what happened to our country, why were so divided, and what we can do about it.

I dont have all the answers, and this isnt a comprehensive account of the 2016 race. Thats not for me to writeI have too little distance and too great a stake in it. Instead, this is my story. I want to pull back the curtain on an experience that was exhilarating, joyful, humbling, infuriating, and just plain baffling.

Writing this wasnt easy. Every day that I was a candidate for President, I knew that millions of people were counting on me, and I couldnt bear the idea of letting them down. But I did. I couldnt get the job done, and Ill have to live with that for the rest of my life.

In this book, I write about moments from the campaign that I wish I could go back and do over. If the Russians could hack my subconscious, theyd find a long list. I also capture some moments I want to remember forever, like when my tiny granddaughter raced into the room while I was practicing my convention speech, and what it was like hours later to step onstage to deliver that speech as the first woman ever nominated by a major political party for President of the United States.

I write about people who inspired me, from a minister in South Carolina who talked with me about love and kindness, to residents who banded together in a town poisoned by lead, to tireless campaign volunteers giving everything they had for a better future. And I share my thoughts on big challenges Ive grappled with for decades that have taken on new urgency, such as the roles that gender, race, and class play in our politics and the importance of empathy in our national life.

Ive tried to learn from my own mistakes. There are plenty, as youll see in this book, and they are mine and mine alone.

But thats not the end of the story. We cant understand what happened in 2016 without confronting the audacious information warfare waged from the Kremlin, the unprecedented intervention in our election by the director of the FBI, a political press that told voters that my emails were the most important story, and deep currents of anger and resentment flowing through our culture.

I know some people dont want to hear about these things, especially from me. But we have to get this right. The lessons we draw from 2016 could help determine whether we can heal our democracy and protect it in the future, and whether we as citizens can begin to bridge our divides. I want my grandchildren and all future generations to know what really happened. We have a responsibility to historyand to a concerned worldto set the record straight.

I also share with you the painful days that followed the election. A lot of people have asked me, How did you even get out of bed? Reading the news every morning was like ripping off a scab. Each new revelation and outrage made it worse. It has been maddening to watch our countrys standing in the world plummet and to see Americans live in fear that their health care might be taken away so that the superrich can get a tax cut. There are times when all I want to do is scream into a pillow.

But slowly, on a personal level, it has gotten betteror at least less terrible. I did quite a bit of thinking and writing, some praying, some stewing, and, in time, a good deal of laughing. I went on a lot of long walks in the woods with my husband and our dogs, Tally and Maisie, who took all this much better than we did. I surrounded myself with friends and caught up on some of the shows that people have been telling me about for years, as well as a lot of HGTV. Best of all, I spent time with my wonderful grandchildren, making up for all the bedtime stories and songs in the bathtub I missed during my long months on the campaign trail. I believe this is what some call self-care. It turns out, its pretty great.

Now when people ask how Im doing, I say that, as an American, Im more worried than everbut as a person, Im doing okay.

This book is the story of that journey. Writing it has been cathartic. I got angry and sad all over again. At times, Ive had to step away, lie down, close my eyes, and try to empty my mind. This book has been hard to write for another reason: Ive lost count of the number of times that Ive sat at my kitchen table working on these pages, been interrupted by a breaking news alert, hung my head and sighed, and then took out my red pen and started revising.

Ive tried to make my peace with painful memories and recapture some of the fun that filled more days on the campaign than you might think. In the past, for reasons that I try to explain, Ive often felt I had to be careful in public, like I was up on a wire without a net. Now Im letting down my guard.

By the time I finished writing, I felt ready to face the future again. I hope that, by the final page, youll be right there with me.

I will always be grateful to have been the Democratic Partys nominee and to have earned 65,844,610 votes from my fellow Americans. That numbermore votes than any candidate for President has ever received, other than Barack Obamais proof that the ugliness we faced in 2016 does not define our country.

I want to thank everyone who welcomed me into their homes, businesses, schools, and churches over those two long, crazy years; every little girl and boy who ran into my arms at full speed or high-fived me with all their might; and the long chain of brave, adventurous people, stretching back generations, whose love and strength made it possible for me to lead such a rewarding life in the country I love. Thanks to them, despite everything else, my heart is full.

I started this book with some words attributed to one of those pathbreakers, Harriet Tubman. Twenty years ago, I watched a group of children perform a play about her life at her former homestead in Auburn, New York. They were so excited about this courageous, determined woman who led slaves to freedom against all odds. Despite everything she faced, she never lost her faith in a simple but powerful motto: Keep going. Thats what we have to do now, too.

In 2016, the U.S. government announced that Harriet Tubman will become the face of the $20 bill. If you need proof that America can still get it right, there it is.

Deep breath. Feel the air fill my lungs. This is the right thing to do. The country needs to see that our democracy still works, no matter how painful this is. Breathe out. Scream later.