Teller Astro - Sacred Cows : The Truth about Divorce and Marriage

Many books have been written about how to make marriage great, and many books have also been written about how to get through divorce in one piece. This book is different. Its about societys attitudes towards marriage and divorce, and how those attitudes affect every one of us.

We were inspired to write it because of personal life events. Both of us have been divorced, and we have had the disconcerting experience of having to reevaluate our own notions about marriage and divorce. By divorcing, we also became sounding boards for friends and family trying to navigate their own marital crises. We observed firsthand the ways in which societal pressure and misinformation create unnecessary heartache for people who are already suffering through a terrible time. It seemed unfair to us that couples in the midst of a relationship crisis were made to feel shame, and that society would deliberately discourage a frank discussion about what can (or cant) reasonably be expected to improve in a failing relationship.

During our marital crises, well-meaning friends handed us self-help books with titles like Fighting for Your Marriage, or Passionate Marriage. These books take the perspective that divorce can almost always be avoided if couples follow the steps towards enlightenment set out by the authors. This perspective is fine as long as the enlightenment works for the reader. However, readers whose problems cannot be solved by these books can be left feeling like losers. These books promise one-size-fits-all solutions, but the authors of these books rarely concede that the solutions may not be a fit for every couple.

When we found ourselves in the position of counseling or consoling friends about their unhappy marriages, we wished that we had a book to give them that would say something like Marriage is complicated. There are things that you can try to make your marriage better, but if these things dont work, dont be hard on yourself. If your spouse leaves you, or if you decide to leave your spouse, you are not a failure. Work through your problems with compassion for yourself, your spouse, and your children. Whether you stay married or get divorced, we (society) have got your back. Since that book didnt exist, we decided to write it ourselves.

Everyone has had the experience of figuring out that some long-held belief is not in fact true. For instance, you may have grown up believing that people catch colds because they dont bundle up enough in winter, and when you found out that the viruses that cause colds couldnt care less about scarves and hats, it may have seemed surprising or even a bit disorienting. This book is like that, only about marriage and divorce. Some of our cultural beliefs about marriage and divorce are quite sensible, but as you will soon realize, some dont make much sense at all.

Although we have an M.D. and a Ph.D. after our names, our areas of professional expertise are tangential to the topic of marriage and divorce. However, they are not tangential to the examination of societys attitudes towards divorce. We have been trained in fields of science that emphasize both careful critical analysis and thinking outside the box. One of us (Astro) is a computer scientist and entrepreneur who currently oversees Google[x], Googles moonshot factory for bringing audacious scientific ideas to reality. The other of us (Danielle) is a physician specializing in the fields of intensive care and lung medicine; she has trained doctors and has run basic science research programs at the University of Pittsburgh and Harvard University. We both have had practice in questioning the status quo, and neither of us is too shy to point out the nakedness of the emperor when he happens to not be wearing clothes.

This book should be of interest to anyone who likes to question assumptions and conventional wisdom. We do not expect our readers to agree with us on every point, but we do hope to spark a new dialogue about marriage and divorce. Our goal is to hold our societys ideas up to the light of reason and ask ourselves whether we should continue to accept those ideas or not. In the words of Socrates, True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.

To be perfectly clear, we did not write this book to advocate for divorce. The desire to pair bond is one of the most basic, most compelling and most sacred of human desires. We (Astro and Danielle) are happily married, and we are passionately devoted not only to one another, but also to the concept of marriage. We wish that we lived in a world where everyone could be happily married. We dont live in that world, however. We live in a world where unsolvable relationship problems can sometimes make it impossible for people to live authentic and fulfilled lives. To be for marriage or for divorce misses the point. What this book stands for is the freedom to decide how to live most honestly and happily either as part of a couple or as a single person.

Although we poke fun at our societys attitudes about marriage and divorce, we never lose sight of how upsetting and frightening divorce can be. Divorce is a life-changing event that sometimes requires rebuilding an entire sense of identity. Possibly some people get divorced out of laziness, or on a whim (after all, some people go fishing with sticks of dynamite), but most people considering divorce are living in a tragic situation and responsibly trying to find a solution. The end of a marriage is sufficiently painful for individuals that the rest of society need not pile on.

If you are wondering whether you should stay married or get divorced, this book is unlikely to give you an answer. We hope, however, that this book will give you the permission to examine your feelings and your situation without shame or guilt. If you know someone else who is trying to decide whether to stay married or divorce, this book will help you to be a better friend. Finally, to everyone out there who is struggling through a marital crisis right now, we want to say, Have hope! Life does get better. Whether your marriage improves so that you can remain happily married, or whether your marriage ends, this crisis will pass. Work through your problems with compassion for yourself, your spouse, and your children. Weve got your back.