Ramani Durvasula - Dont You Know Who I Am?

Also by Ramani S. Durvasula, Ph.D.

You Are WHY You Eat:
Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life

Should I Stay or Should I Go?:
Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK

Dont You Know Who I Am?

How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility

2019 by Ramani S. Durvasula, Ph.D.

All Rights Reserved

ISBN: 978-1-68261-752-6

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-68261-753-3

Interior design and composition, Greg Johnson, Textbook Perfect

The information and advice herein is not intended to replace the services of trained health professionals or be a substitute for individual medical advice. You are advised to consult your health professional with regard to matters related to your health, and in particular regarding matters that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.

Post Hill Press

New York Nashville

posthillpress.com

Published in the United States of America

To Maya and Shanti
My muses and my heart

To Padma
My truth and my guardian angel

There may be more beautiful times,
but this one is ours.

Sartre

Contents

Part One
The Narcissistic Roadmap: Navigating
the Toxic Potholes

Chapter 1: Narcissists, Jerks, and Tyrants: Is Being
an Asshole a Diagnosis?

Chapter 9: The Other Narcissists in Your Life
(Siblings, Friends, In-Laws)

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Maya Angelou

I n July of 2017, a twenty-three-year-old man flying in a first-class seat from Seattle to Beijing rushed to an emergency exit door forty-five minutes into the flight. He then attempted to open the door while the flight was in midair and was overpowered by the flight attendants. When they tried to stop him, he became combative, and, when the flight attendants tried to subdue him, he screamed at them, Do you know who I am? (Apparently no one didit turns out the young man had scored his seat through a family member who was employed by the airline.)

In July of 2014, Conrad Hilton III was seated in the first-class section of a flight to London. His antics began immediately after boarding and included berating his fellow passengers and calling them peasants, the attempted assault of a flight attendant, and a litany of obscenities on the ten-hour flight. He claimed that this had happened to him before, and his father would tidily bail him out. He was quoted as saying, I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out; he has done it before. Dad paid three hundred thousand dollars last time. He was freed on a $100,000 bond and agreed to a plea deal that had him plead guilty to misdemeanor assault so that federal charges would be dropped against him.

The allegations regarding entitled tantrums span far and wide. In 2009, it was Miley Cyrus at a burger stand: Are you serious ? You dont recognize me? Im Miley Cyrus. Also in 2009, Dina Lohan (mother of actress Lindsay Lohan) was quoted as saying at a nightclub, Do you know who I am? Youre making a huge mistakehuge. (Double points for quoting Pretty Woman. ) In 2006, it was David Hasselhoff slurring at Wimbledon, All I want is a drink. Do you know who I am? In 2012, Rihanna, dancing on and subsequently shattering a nightclub table, shouted, Dont you know who I am? while being carried out of the club. In 2014, Shia LaBeouf, being disruptive during intermission at a Broadway performance of Cabaret, yelled, Dont you know who the fuck I am? In 2014, Alec Baldwin, cited for riding his bicycle the wrong way in Union Square in New York City, said, Fuck thisthis is horseshit. Dont you know who I am? In 2007, when her credit card was declined at Banana Republic, Faye Dunaway roared, Dont you know who I am? Im Faye Dunaway! In 2013, in a Korean spa, where her tattoos received disapproval from the spa staff, Margaret Cho spat angrily, Do you know who I am? I am Margaret Cho.

Its not just our beloved celebrities engaging in this modern-day mantraits first-class flyers like the unknown chap flying from Seattle to Beijing. Its restaurant guests in eateries, ranging from Michelin-starred bistros all the way down to your local hot dog stand. Its the elite travelers who toss Dont you know who I am? (DYKWIA) tantrums when they are not upgraded ( Dont you know who I am? I am a platinum/diamond/global elite flyer ). For some reason, travel tends to magnify this dynamic, and its a fascinating paradox. These people do not want to be subject to the rules, but they want the rules to be obsessively applied to others. (For example, a TripAdvisor review by an angry traveler stated that too many people were being allowed into the premium airport lounge, and he was furious that his familywho had not paid the fee to enterdid not have the rules bent for them.)

It doesnt just happen in the air. It can be the man in the small town who has to wait in a long line at a local business ( Dont you know who I am? I have the biggest plumbing business in town! ) or the woman in church who takes umbrage at not getting the best seat in the house during a holiday service ( Dont you know who I am? I have been coming to this church and making donations for years ). I saw it play out at a local Trader Joes parking lot in my town recently. An elderly man driving a souped-up Mustang screamed at an elderly woman pushing a dog in a stroller, Dont you know who I am? I could buy and sell you and your stupid dog! He then noisily pulled into a disabled parking spot without the proper placard.

Dont you know who I am? is the buzz phrase of our timeand, clearly, the mantra of the entitled and narcissistic. The Urban Dictionary has given a name to this phenomenon, often referred to in internet circles as DYKWIA. The Urban Dictionary does not offer definitions, per se, but instead gives a list of synonyms, including pompous, self-important, stuffed shirt, douchebag, and prick. We can use this as a jumping-off point to set a tone, because this is often where many of us just chuckle to ourselves and view this as someone elses problem. But we can learn from the DYKWIAers in our world.

The phrase itself reflects an utter lack of self-awareness and a grandiose entitlement. Why would or should anyone know who anyone is, unless the person is in regular contact with the DYKWIAer? For example, I could use the phrase with my children if I picked them up at school and they looked in the car window and said, Who are you? I might then reply, Dont you know who I am? I am your mother. The presumption of the DYKWIAers is that they are so special that they should be familiar to others, or that their status entitles them to special privileges, even if that means others go without. That status can be conferred by celebrity, wealth, royalty, or, most often, grandiose delusion. It is also important to remember that status is relative. You can be the most important man or woman in your small town or neighborhood or workplace but, most likely, no one outside of that sphere has any sense of who you are. Celebrity and status can be local or global (or solely in someones own head).

In some cases, the primary reason for the Dont you know who I am? conduct is being intoxicated and impairedthis can include prescription and nonprescription drugs as well as alcohol. Drugs and alcohol diminish self-awareness, impair judgment, result in disinhibited and, at times, combative behavior, and can fuel paranoia, anger, hostility, and confusion. Thus, the lethal combination of being in an intoxicated state and having to interact with others who will maintain normal social or legal expectations (for example, waiting in line, driving sober, speaking at a normal volume without issuing numerous expletives, paying a bill) can result in a rapid ramp-up of bad behavior, culminating in an entitled tantrum once there is any form of behavioral accountability.