Instaread - Boundaries: When to Say Yes; How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Guide to

Dr. Henry Clouds & et al

Boundaries

When to Say Yes; How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by

Instaread

Please Note

This is a companion to the original book.

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Table of Contents

Written by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes; How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life examines how conservative evangelical Christians should set and maintain proper boundaries, that is saying yes and no at the appropriate times, by examining how boundaries are presented in the Bible. Those who cannot say no live lives filled with unhappiness because people take advantage of them. The symptoms of unhappiness include feeling unappreciated, disrespected, stressed, and exhausted from doing too much at home and work.

A persons reluctance to set boundaries is often rooted in childhood. Parents who withdraw their affection or become angry when a child does something they dislike produce children who are reluctant to say no when they become adults. Saying no, these boundaryless believe, will cost them a relationship, precipitate someones anger, or lead to other unpleasant consequences.

Reluctance to set boundaries affects all areas of a boundaryless life. These include relationships with parents, spouses, and children, with friends, with coworkers and bosses, with God, and with the inner self.

The boundaryless can take back their lives by saying no lovingly but unapologetically, spelling out consequences for those who refuse to accept no, doing boundary setting a step at a time rather than saying no to many people at once, and preparing themselves to deal with resistance and the loss of some relationships.

Although the journey to boundary setting will not be easy, the payoff for many people is better relationships and a happier, less stressful life.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend: The authors of Boundaries discuss much of what they have learned in their roles as psychologists about helping people set boundaries.

1. Some Christians refusal to say no to others, to set boundaries, makes them unhappy, resentful, tired, stressed, and less productive than they should be.
2. Fear is the main reason many boundaryless fail to say no. Many fear losing love or making someone angry.
3. Those who take advantage of the boundaryless are not the problem. The boundaryless need to take control.
4. Setting boundaries does not mean a person is unloving, against the biblical view of boundaries, selfish, or cruel. It means they are showing themselves the respect they deserve.
5. The boundaryless who begin saying no can expect resistance from those who have taken advantage of them.
6. Because of the resistance they will face, longtime boundaryless need to begin setting boundaries a little at a time. It is also crucial that they have a support group.
7. When the boundaryless begin saying no, they need to do it lovingly but without apology.
8. Boundary setters must stipulate consequences that the person they are setting the boundary with will face if the person resists their decision to say no.
9. Step-by-step boundary setting lets the boundaryless take control of their lives and, in the process, become happier and more fulfilled.
10. Setting boundaries not only helps longtime boundaryless, but also those who have taken advantage of them.

Some Christians refusal to say no to others, to set boundaries, makes them unhappy, resentful, tired, stressed, and less productive than they should be.

Analysis

American Evangelical Christians who are boundaryless often let spouses, children, parents, friends, colleagues, and bosses take advantage of them. Their refusal to set boundaries means that their families let them do too much of the work around the house, their families and friends take too much of their time, and colleagues and bosses get them to do more than their fair share of work. Not only this, but misinformation about boundaries in religious teaching can further compound the problem, leading to the boundaryless suffering psychological issues, such as depression and panic disorders, as well as problems in their marriages and other relationships.

A poll that Harris Interactive Incorporated conducted in 2014 for the American Psychological Association underscores the authors point about how stressed many Americans are. Forty-four percent of those surveyed said their stress levels had risen in the past five years. The Harris Poll showed that 60 percent of Americans felt stress from work, 47 percent from family responsibilities, and 46 percent from personal health concerns. Health concerns presumably included being overweight and not exercising. A lot of Americans experience symptoms of stress. Thirty-seven percent experience irritability or anger; 35 percent feel nervous or anxious; 32 percent feel overwhelmed; 32 percent feel fatigue; and 32 percent feel depressed or sad [1]. An interesting finding in a similar poll that the Harris organization conducted in 2011 was that 70 percent of people believe they would have better health if they had the willpower to eat better and exercise.

Fear is the main reason many boundaryless fail to say no. Many fear losing love or making someone angry.

Analysis

In addition to fearing losing love and provoking someones anger, the boundaryless fear becoming lonely and feeling like they are a bad person if they say no. These fears develop in childhood. This happened to Stan, a hypothetical guy whose mother withheld her love and whose father became angry when Stan did something they disliked. It was not surprising that, as an adult, he refused to say no, fearing loss of love and anger.

Robert Burney, author of the book The Dance of Wounded Souls and codependence therapist, grew up believing he had the power to break his mothers heart and make his father angry. The reason he believed this was that his mother would act anguished when he did something that upset her, and his father would explode with rage. Telescoping this feeling, he came to feel he had the power to disrupt other peoples lives as well. As an adult, that led to his being very reluctant to say no to others. The little boy in him made him afraid of losing a relationship, being abandoned, hurting others, or making others angry. His story exemplifies the fear that prevents most boundaryless from saying no to those who are taking advantage of them [2].

Those who take advantage of the boundaryless are not the problem. The boundaryless need to take control.

Analysis

Many boundaryless blame their inability to say no on others. When the boundaryless blame others, however, they are failing to accept their responsibility to take control of their lives. They are the ones who can change their situation, not others.