Amanda B. Carpenter - The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracys Dossier on Hillary Clinton

TO: MEMBERS OF THE VRWC

FROM: AMANDA B. CARPENTER

RE: SEN. HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

November 8, 2006, marks first day of Hillary Clintons campaign to be president of the United States.

Most Americans already know how they feel about her. She is the darling of the Manhattan elite, the hope of the national Democratic Party, the MVP of the pro-choice feminist movement, the rock star of the Hollywood Left, and the favorite of the liberal media. She has even been cozying up to Rupert Murdoch in recent months.

But just as numerous, even if not nearly so well-heeled, are those whowith good reasondont trust her. Millions of Americans disbelieve her victim act regarding her philandering husband, reject her socialist economics, and despise her radical social agenda. These are the members of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.

However vast and however determined we in the VRWC are, Hillarys presidential campaign is a formidable foe. Thanks to her husbands high-priced globe-trotting speaking tours, the couples close ties to big businesses (foreign and domestic), and her sheer star power, the Clinton campaign in 2008 will have unrivaled riches at its disposal. Throw in a friendly media and invaluable political experience, and Mrs. Clinton begins to look invincible.

Luckily, over here at the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, weve been keeping a file on her. The couples scandals are so numerous and so convoluted that its easy to forget some of the dirty deals, unsavory incidents, insane proposals, revealing comments, and outright flip-flops in Hillarys past. Also, most of the media has little interest in looking deep enough into Hillarys actions since she entered Congress.

Rather than keeping her file tucked away in the archives, we decided it was important to share with the entire VRWC the Hillary Rodham Clinton papersspecifically, the record of her activities since leaving the White House and the machinery she already has in place to return to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

So, here it isthe dossier on Hillary Clinton, complete with many original documentsexhibits, we call them. As a member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, you already know what you feel about Hillary Clinton. Heres making sure you dont forget why.

THE TRANSCRIPT

Matt Lauer: [James Carville] has said that this is war between the president and Kenneth Starr. You have said, I understand, to some close friends, that this is the last great battle, and that one side or the other is going down here.

Mrs. Clinton: Well, I dont know if Ive been that dramatic. That would sound like a good line from a movie. But I do believe that this is a battle. I mean, look at the very people who are involved in this, they have popped up in other settings. This is the great story here, for anybody willing to find it and write about it and explain it, is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband since the day he announced for president . A few journalists have kind of caught onto it and explained it, but it has not yet been fully revealed to the American public. And, actually, you know, in a bizarre sort of way, this may do it.

Today , January 27, 1998

NAME: Hillary Rodham Clinton

Originally would not assume her husbands last name and went by Hillary Rodham. After her husband lost his re-election for Arkansas governor in 1980, Hillary changed tacks and called herself Mrs. Hillary Clinton. After becoming First Lady, she added Rodham to her title and was then known as Hillary Rodham Clinton.

DATE OF BIRTH: October 26, 1947

PLACE OF BIRTH: Chicago, Illinois

OFFICIAL ADDRESS: 15 Old House Lane, Chappaqua, NY 10514.

ALTERNATIVE ADDRESS: 3067 Whitehaven St. NW, Washington, DC 20008.

RELIGION: Methodist.

HAIR: Brown. Presently clipped short, heavily layered, bleached blond and highlighted. Designed by celebrity stylist Isabelle Goetz. Clinton paid Goetz nearly $3,000 out of her campaign cash for two appointments between April and May 2006. (Also relies on makeup artist Barbara Lacy, to whom Clinton paid $1,600 in mid-May and $1,200 two weeks later for her services. Clintons campaign writes off these expenses as a media production.)

EYES: Said to be hazel. Wears blue colored lenses.

HEIGHT: Approximately 55-57.

WEIGHT: Approximately 155-165 lbs. Bottom heavy.

OTHER IDENTIFYING MARKS: Occasionally wears a diamond ring, rumored to be at least three carats, given to her by her husband for their thirtieth wedding anniversary. Always accompanied by Secret Service, who will protect her for the rest of her life, if she chooses. Favors solid-color full coverage hip-length pantsuits. Often punctuates her speech with the phrase you know.

INCOME: $165,100 per year as base pay of U.S. senator. Has earned millions in royalties from her memoir. Donates royalties earned on some books, but keeps all profits from her much more successful memoir, Living History . Alfred A. Knopf will publish a book about citizen activism by Mr. Clinton that will be released in early 2008.

Mr. Clinton received a book advance rumored to be between $10 million and $12 million to write his memoir My Life from the same publisher. Mr. Clinton made over $29 million in speaking fees from 2001-2005. As a former president he earns a yearly pension of $197,000. Mr. Clinton requested a $963,000 reimbursement from the federal government for his office and staff for the fiscal year 2007.