Chronicle Books - Oh Hell No: And Other Ways to Set Some Damn Boundaries

Introduction and compilation copyright 2020 by Chronicle Books LLC.

No essay copyright 2017 by Sara Ahmed. First published on feministkilljoys.com. The essay printed here is an abridged version of the original.

The Little Nos that Serve the Bigger Yes copyright 2018 by Dani Katz. First published in Word Up: Little Languaging Hacks for Big Change.

All images copyright by the individual artists.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

constitute a continuation of the copyright page.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN 978-1-4521-8082-3 (epub, mobi)
ISBN 978-1-4521-8070-0 (hardcover)

Compilation edited by Jenny Moussa Spring.

Design and front cover art by Riza Cruz.

Chronicle books and gifts are available at special quantity discounts to corporations, professional associations, literacy programs, and other organizations. For details and discount information, please contact our premiums department at or at 1-800-759-0190.

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Theres a time for yesand theres a time for no . From polite refusal to emphatic rejection, this two-letter word has the power to halt bullshit in its tracks. No stands up to bullies. It raises boundaries; it says, You shall not pass. It protects what is most precious to us and makes us defiant in spite of our own fear.

Saying no helps us set and maintain priorities, and put our own needs first. It creates time in our busy lives for the things and people we love. But its not always easy to articulate, especially when it feels like everyone else wants us to say yes.

Were told that no is selfish, while yes is generous. That no limits us, closing us off to new experiences. That rejecting the status quo is just a cry for attention, an attempt to look cool by swimming against the current, or pitting ourselves against popular opinion. As though popular opinion has never been wrong.

Lets face it, the word yes would be meaningless if we could never say no . It would be reduced to an expression of compliance rather than of a vote of confidence. It would lose all its luster.

Every time we say no to some mediocre idea or opportunity, we stockpile a little more enthusiasm for the thing that really deserves our attention. We make sure that we have more to give when we feel ready to share. We refuse to be pushed around. Sometimes, when enough people say no , we even change the world.

That does not mean it is easy. Trusting our own judgment, standing up for ourselves, facing off against the forces in this world that would rather have our ignorant or inattentive yesesthis is hard work! Sometimes we need a little help vocalizing that two-letter word.

Thats where this book comes in. When your resolve falters, and you feel yourself giving in to the guilty voice in your head whispering that your needs are not important, the art and writing in this book will help you stiffen your spine and anchor yourself in determination.

Channel your inner contrarian! Nourish your naysayer! Indulge the perverse joy of the toddler you once were, who truly understood the pleasure of saying no just because you can.

You dont have to say no to everything. If you want to say yes, by all meansgo forth! Just remember: Your no is powerful, and its always there when you need it. Dont be afraid to use it.

by Dani Katz

So often, we opt out of saying no because we are afraid of hurting someone elses feelings; of coming off as rude or insensitive; or of burning a bridge, or shutting a door. The thing is, no is a super valuable tool when it comes to transforming our reality for the better, because staying focused on the new paradigm we are stewarding demands vigilence and discernment. And so we offer compassionate nos to the activities that invite focus, energy, and resources we simply dont have the bandwidth to share; and, in this way, the little nos pave the pathway to our biggest yeses.

To opt out of articulating an authentic no for fear of hurting someone elses feelings is arrogant, codependent, and super, very twisted. It is not on us to micromanage anyone elses emotions, nor to bend the truth in service to our very limited ideas as to what might be best for someone elses process. When we withhold the truth for fear of hurting another, we second-guess their maturity, their autonomy, and their capacity for wholeness, while denying them the opportunity to flex their emotional intelligence muscles. Condescending much? The beauty of the well-placed, compassionate no is that it allows us the chance to foster emotional strength and stamina, while availing ourselves to the genuine opportunities waiting on the flip side of our honest nos .

Quantum Languaging Practice:

Practice saying no without concern for how you are being received, or how personally the receiver may, or may not, be taking it. Be honest. Be authentic. Be compassionate. Watch what comes up for you when you say the word: No . Work with the sensations. Allow all of it to surface so that you can see whats there, and then dig deeper to uncover the thought forms that are informing the feelings. Be patient. Be kind. Be curious.