Its forty years since I first arrived in New Zealand, thirty since Half-gallon Quarter-acre Pavlova Paradise was published. The anniversaries are a good reason to reassess whats changed. Even better to come back to the beloved country to see, experience and attempt to understand the new New Zealand.
Second comings to paradise are a unique privilege, given only to the dead or the drug-addicted. So this preface can only be a long gibbering paean of gratitude to all who have made my return to the land of the long white pavlova possible. Its been such a wonderful experience. I wanted to prolong it forever rather than actually writing the book or finishing the film, but my delaying tactics generated as much suspicion as one of Helen Clarks paintings, or a pair of Tuku Morgans underpants, to mix the sublime and the corblimey. Sadly, delay had to be finite, particularly at my age, and both jobs had to be finished but I couldnt have done either without a lot of help from a lot of people. Particularly those who went to so much trouble to explain the new New Zealand to Rip Van Mitchell. Theyd lived it, Id only read about it and watched at a distance. I envy them. They helped me.
The idea for the film came from the late Neil Roberts and was picked up by Shaun Brown, both of TVNZ. It was accepted and funded by New Zealand On Air and the Television Corporation. The idea of a book about the pilgrimage was then taken up by Geoff Walker of Penguin, who not only ran with it but extracted it from me forcibly by long distance bullying via the Internet. He saw it edited and prepared with Penguins consummate skill.
New Zealand can be very proud of its film and television technicians, particularly the experts who worked with us: Wayne Vinten, Jonathan Mitchell, Michael Monton and Warren Bradshaw. As well as providing wonderful pictures and sound, they were infinitely patient when I carried on asking more and more questions long after theyd packed up equipment and wanted to go because it was past their bedtimes. Jackie Hay organised the interviews, planned the troop movements around the tens of thousands of kilometres we covered, and did the research.
My old friend, the Rt. Hon. Jonathan Hunt helped, guided and gave me the benefit of his enormous wisdom. Hes been my guide and friend for so long, I cant work out how Ive managed to fail so disastrously at so many careers. My way was made easier by several other friends, Stan Rodger and his son Craig, and my former colleagues and older friends, Bob Chapman and Keith Jackson with whom I first worked on our 1960 book New Zealand Politics in Action (last two words separate). Both were patient in explaining the changes since then to me. The NZ-UK link helped too, bringing me out to New Zealand for a debate which first prepared me for the changes in the New Zealand meat industry, because I was ritually slaughtered and chopped into small pieces.
Production and editing were huge jobs for a technical Luddite like me but Joyce Benton, Pat Murray, Emma Sandler and Mark Meilack saved me from my own incompetence, turning scribble into text and worked above and beyond the call of duty to finish the manuscript. The errors are mine, the achievement that of this devoted team.
Most of all I should thank my wife Linda who made sense of my ramblings on film and pushed me into finishing the book almost in time. She also kindly excused me my usual heavy household duties and transferred me to a light schedule to give me time to write it.
Linda makes things happen, as Bryan Gould once said. Mainly to me, but she did make all this happen and without her none of it would have been possible. Except the photographs, for which I alone and unaided am responsible. Unfortunately, having turned photography from a hobby into a disease, working on the principle that ten million monkeys with ten million typewriters can eventually write Shakespeare, and applying that to cameras in the hope of taking a Cartier-Bresson, the result was a hundred thousand pictures. Regrettably Penguin declined to publish all of them in this book. I was reduced to thirty happy snaps.
Its all been a wonderful experience. Which makes me wonder why the hell I left New Zealand in the first place. Except that if I hadnt Id never have been able to come back and catch up on the change, the excitement and the misery. Ive missed out on a lot of good times and some bad, but now Ive seen the future and it works. For New Zealand. It has become exciting and dynamic in a way I could never have thought and, if the truth be told, never expected it to be back in those dim and distant sixties. Good on yer youse Kiwis.
Austin Mitchell
Somewhere Else
May 2002
Kia ora!
Rules of behaviour
for the smoke-,
nuclear-and
almost gm-free,
world-class
demi-paradise
(all major credit cards accepted)
Shes sorry She cant be here Herself to greet you in person. Air fares from Dunedin are so high these days and its difficult to get time off from Her Adjusting to Retirement course at Otago University. So She doesnt get north much and doesnt like Auckland in any case. Particularly since John Banks became Mayor. Its more like Australia, where Shes not at home, than Otago, where Shes retired to.
So many visitors now come to see Gods chosen country two million a year that benediction would be like the baptism by hose pipe that missionaries in China used to administer rice to thousands of Christians at a time. Besides, doing that would compete with the Department of Agricultures own spraying requirements. It would also counter the purpose of bringing visitors here in the first place, which is to get them out into the shops, the bureaux de change and the car rentals to spend as much as possible, as quickly as possible. Providing for eternal salvation would hold all that back too much.
So Shes delegated the welcoming role to those friendly little cocker spaniels who sniffed your feet at the airport to see if youd been treading grapes for French wine, and your suitcase for fruit, drugs, pornography, and other rural fare. If you need any further blessing or divine contact, the Auckland Airport Authority and the Auckland Port Authority have powers delegated by God regarding everything north of the Bombay Hills, the land where Mammon has co-dominion. You can see why as you look around the airport: it could be anywhere, even Australia airport staff dressed like Canadian Mounties, hordes of overweight Islanders, their luggage crushing the trolleys, well drilled parties of Japanese jogging through like an invading army, overburdened backpackers blocking every door, and the occasional Pom trying to find people to condescend to. Auckland isnt New Zealand, but dont alienate Kiwis by asking if youre in Australia. Just head South quickly.
So welcome, but remember that its not total acceptance. If visitors stayed and bred, New Zealand would soon have the population of India. Enjoy. But leave promptly, and if you do want to multiply, dont do it here. Kiwis are secular saints and naturally friendly, but niceness and patience can be tried by the sheer numbers of foreigners who insist on visiting rather than simply staying home and sending their money. Because of this influx, great hulking lumps of lads, bred for the rugby field, buxom lasses built for breeding, and youths whod rather live the aesthetic life followed by New Zealands patron saint, Barry Crump, have to take servile service jobs as waiters and recite incomprehensible homilies in blank verse about the food theyre serving. Thats no manly role, and if New Zealand didnt need their money and if the lads and lasses working in the hospitality industry didnt need the jobs to save up enough to get overseas, tourists would be about as welcome as asylum seekers (or Kiwis) in Australia.