Barbara Delinsky - Moment to Moment

DELINSKY

Moment To Moment

To Kathy,

who really did it!

Contents

Shed had far too many attacks in her life not

Hed half begun to feel like the prince with the

Dana mustered every ounce of her reserve to face the

What in hell are you doing here? he growled, his

Dana swallowed and, unable to answer, simply shook her head.

How about dinner tonight? he asked as they sat at

First thing the following morning, Dana called his office. Hello,

What? His voice held raw disbelief. 239

Why in hell did you encourage her? he demanded when,

As they ran through March and April, both Russs knee

Shed had far too many attacks in her life not to know what was happening. Staggering to a large rock by the side of the road, Dana fumbled with the zippered pocket of her Windbreaker, finally managing to extract the small inhalator she always carried. Exhaling as far as her laboring lungs would allow, she raised the mouthpiece, breathed in, and squeezed. Twice she repeated the procedure. Then, propped against the rock, she waited for the wheezing to ease.

Strangely, she was less worried about her lungs than she was about the cold. Having been running for twenty minutes, shed built up a sweat that was well apt to chill her as she sat still. Her watch, its face narrowly framed between her Windbreaker cuff and the top of her wool gloves, told her it was

4 / BARBARA DELINSKY

nearly five. She looked up and around. Five oclock and the roadway was dark. But then, it was the middle of winter. The days were shorter. It had been dusk when shed left the house. As for the traffic, or more correctly the lack of it, could she expect otherwise on New Years Day?

The townsfolk would be in their homes, or in those of their neighbors or relatives, finishing off the last of their turkey dinners, if not already hooked by the endless string of football games the day offered.

Not Dana Madison. Shed had enough. Four hours at her parents house had drawn her patience to its limits. It had started when shed first stepped foot inside the door carrying a sweet potato and apple casserole. Her mother had glared at it, appalled.

Why did you do this, Dana? I thought I told you not to worry, that Id take care of everything.

Its just a casserole, Mother. I may have spent all of half an hour making it.

Half an hour when you could have been resting, the older woman chided her gently. You shouldnt have done it.

Dana had gritted her teeth then, for the first of many times that afternoon. Well, its done. Will you take it?

MOMENT TO MOMENT / 5

For an instant shed half wondered if her offering would be refused. But while her mother was grossly overprotective, she was neither rude nor insensitive. Of course, dear, shed said, taking the casserole. Now, you go sit in the living room and relax. Ill call your father in from the yard. Max and the others will be here any minute.

Let me give you a hand in the kitch

No, no. You sit. The pointing finger was one Dana knew well. It had been a major reason shed finally moved out of her parents house nearly four years before. In her private scheme of things, there were too many better out-lets for her energy than arguing with that finger.

And so she had sunk into the living room chair in which it seemed shed spent half of her childhood. Within minutes her father had appeared at the door, wiping his hands on a dishtowel.

Dana! Hi, sweetheart! Hed burst into a smile and had covered the space to the armchair in which Dana was ensconced before shed even been able to uncross her legs. Leaning down, he kissed her warmly. How are you? Feeling all right?

His stance was unsettling. With his hands 6 / BARBARA DELINSKY

propped on the arms of her chair, he was her jailor. She couldnt move. Suppressing an urge to scream, shed managed to force a smile. Im fine, Dad. She glanced at the towel hed slung over one shoulder and attempted to change the subject.

Youve been cutting wood?

Greasing the chain saw, hed responded absently. His attention was elsewhere. You look too thin.

I look fine.

Have you lost more weight?

Dad, I was chubby before. Im in far better shape without those extra fifteen pounds.

You were in good shape before.

Shed sighed. It could have been a replay of a tape made the week before, on Christmas Day. What her fatherwhat her parentsthought of her weight, her health, her job, her running, was irrelevant. Her life was her own now. She knew that.

Look, lets not argue, shed pleaded softly. Despite the strides shed made in the last few years, arguing remained against her nature. Its the holiday. Im here. I feel wonderful. And, for the first time in my life, Im proud of the way I look. Nowshe cocked a

MOMENT TO MOMENT / 7

mocking broware you going to be pleasantor am I going to get up and sprint five times around the house?

Youre still running? Dana, I thought we told you

Shed sobered then. Dad! Im a grown woman. Its my life!

If the firmness of her tone had momentarily put him down, it didnt keep him down long. When her brother, Max, arrived with his wife and three children, her father brought up the issue of weight again, soliciting Maxs support in a futile bid to bring Dana to her senses. When their neighbors, the Holtzmans, arrived and dared to compliment her on how lovely she looked, Dana suspected her father would have liked to turn them out there and then.

And it went on through dinner, not only from her father, but from her mother and Max and Maxs wife as well. If it wasnt, Is that all youre having, Dana? Here, have a little more. Its good for you, it was No, Dana, dont get up. Alexis will help me clear, wont you, Alexis? Or Jimmy, dont hang on Aunt Dana like that. Its a strain on her.

Dana calmly overlooked the fact that her wineglass was filled only halfway, and even 8 / BARBARA DELINSKY

then not replenished when her father made second rounds with the bottle. She patiently ignored the slow study of her undertaken by each of her parents in turn, then the concerned glances they exchanged. But when her mother launched into a repeat of Are you sure youre feeling all right?

You look a little pale, she could bear no more.

If Im pale, she said quietly, her blue eyes flashing, its simply to accommodate you all. Honestly, I think youd feel more comfortable if I started to gasp!

Thats a horrible thing to say, her father had countered with a frown, and shed felt instantly contrite.

I know. But I do think that way sometimes. Seriously, Dad, I feel better than I ever have. I have my own apartment, my own job, my own friendsfriends, many of whom, by the way, dont even know Im an asthmatic.

But we know, her mother broke in, and we worry. Can you really fault us for that? Its bad enough that youre living all alone. You should be with people who can care for you.

Im a big girl, Mother. I can care for myself!

shed answered in frustration.

Through an attack?

Ill have you know that I havent had an MOMENT TO MOMENT / 9

attack in months. But, yes, I have handled myself through oneand survived. Shed turned apologetically to the Holtzmans. Im sorry you have to listen to this. We have adifference of opinion.

You were a sick child, Louis Holtzman had interjected gently. He and his wife, Marsha, had lived next to the Madisons for more than thirty years. They clearly recalled the day Dana had been born. We all worried.

Well, shed said with a sigh of defeat, Im fine now. And Id personally much rather hear about Maxs case than my own. Her senior by eight years, Max was one of the states prominent assistant district attorneys. He had just won a verdict on an explosive bribery and conspiracy case which, mercifully, he was willing and able to discuss.