L. J. Smith - The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Midnight

D ear Diary,

Im so frightened I can hardly hold this pen. Im printing rather than writing in cursive, because that way I have more control.

What am I terrified of, you ask? And when I say of Damon you dont believe the answer, not if youd seen the two of us a few days ago. But to understand, you have to know a few facts.

Have you ever heard the phrase All bets are off?

It means that anything, anything, can happen. So that even somebody who figures out odds and takes bets from people gives them back their money. Because a wild card has entered the situation. You cant even figure the odds to take a bet.

Thats where I am. Thats why my heart is pounding in my throat and head and ears and fingertips in fear.

All bets are off.

You can see how shaky even my printing is. Suppose my hands shake like this when I go in to see him? I might drop the tray. I might annoy Damon. And then anything might happen.

Im not explaining this right. What I should be saying is that were back: Damon and Meredith and Bonnie and me. We went to the Dark Dimension and now were home again, with a star ball and Stefan.

Stefan was tricked into going there by Shinichi and Misao, the brother and sister kitsune, or evil fox-spirits, who told him that if he went to the Dark Dimension he could get the curse of being a vampire removed and become human again.

They lied.

All they did was leave him in a stinking prison, with no food, no light, no warmthuntil he was at the point of death.

But Damonwho was so different back thenagreed to lead us to try to find him. And, oh, I cant even begin to describe the Dark Dimension itself. But the important thing is that we finally found Stefan, and that by then wed found the Twin Fox key we needed to release him. Buthe was a skeleton, poor boy. We carried him out of the prison on his pallet, which later Matt burned; it was so infested with creepy-crawlies. But that night we gave him a bath and put him to bedand then we fed him. Yes, with our blood. All the humans did it except Mrs. Flowers, who was busy making poultices for where his poor bones were almost sticking out of his skin.

They had starved him to that point! I could kill Them with my own handsor my Wings Powersif only I could use them properly. But I cant. I know there is a spell for Wings of Destruction, but I have no idea how to summon it.

At least I got to see how Stefan blossomed when being fed with human blood. (I admit that I gave him a few extra feedings that werent on his chart, and Id have to be an idiot not to know that my blood is different from other peoplesits much richer and it did Stefan amazing amounts of good.)

And so Stefan recovered enough that the next morning he was able to walk downstairs to thank Mrs. Flowers for her potions!

The rest of us, thoughall the humanswere totally exhausted. We didnt even think about what had happened to the bouquet, because we didnt know it had anything special in it. Wed gotten it just as we were leaving the Dark Dimension, from a kind white kitsune whod been in the cell across from Stefans before we arranged a jailbreak. He was so beautiful! I never knew a kitsune could be kind. But he had given Stefan these flowers.

Anyway, that morning Damon was up. Of course, he couldnt contribute any of his own blood, but I honestly think he would have, if he could. That was the way he was back then.

And thats why I dont understand how I can feel the fear I feel now. How can you be terrified of someone whos kissed you and kissed youand called you his darling and his sweetheart and his princess? And who has laughed with you with his eyes dancing with mischief? And whos held you when you were frightened, and told you there was nothing to be afraid of, not while he was there? Someone you only had to glance at to know what he was thinking? Someone who has protected you, no matter what the cost to himself, for days on end?

I know Damon. I know his faults, but I also know what hes like inside. And hes not what he wants people to think he is. Hes not cold, or arrogant, or cruel. Those are faades he puts on to cover himself, like clothes.

The problem is that Im not sure he knows he isnt any of these things. And right now hes all mixed-up. He might change and become all of thembecause hes so confused.

What Im trying to say is, that morning only Damon was really awake. He was the only one who saw the bouquet. And one of the things Damon definitely is, is curious.

So he unwrapped all the magical wards from it and it had a single pitch-black rose in the center. Damon has been trying to find a black rose for years, just to admire it, I think. But when he saw this one he smelled itand boom! The rose disappeared!

And suddenly he was sick and dizzy and he couldnt smell anything and all his other senses were dulled as well. That was when Sageoh, I havent even mentioned Sage, but hes a tall bronze gorgeous hunk of a vampire whos been such a good friend to all of ustold him to suck in air and to hold it, to push it down into his lungs.

Humans have to breathe that way, you see.

I dont know how long it took Damon to realize that he really was a human, no joke, nothing anyone could do about it. The black rose had been for Stefan; and it would have given him his dream of being human again. But when Damon realized it had worked its magic on him

Thats when I saw him look at me and lump me in with the rest of my speciesa species hes come to hate and scorn.

Since then I havent dared look him in the eye again. I know he loved me just days ago. I didnt know that love could turn towell, to all the things he feels now about himself.

Youd think it would be easy for Damon to become a vampire again. But he wants to be as powerful a vampire as he used to beand there isnt anyone like that to exchange blood with him. Even Sage disappeared before Damon could ask him. So Damon is stuck like this until he finds some strong, powerful, and prestigious vampire to go through the whole process of changing him.

And every time I look into Stefans eyes, those jewel-green eyes that are warm with trust and gratitudeI feel terror, too. Terror that somehow hell be snatched away againright out of my arms. Andterror that hell find out how Ive come to feel about Damon. I hadnt even realized myself how much Damon has come to mean to me. And I cantstopmy feelingfor him, even if he hates me now.

And, yes, damn it, Im crying! In a minute, I have to go take him his dinner. He must be starving, but when Matt tried to take him something earlier today, Damon threw the whole tray at him.

Oh, please, God, please dont let him hate me!

Im being selfish, I know, in just talking about whats going on with Damon and me. I mean, things in Fells Church are worse than ever. Every day more children become possessed and terrify their parents. Every day, parents get angrier with their possessed children. I dont even want to think about whats going on. If something doesnt change, the whole place will be destroyed like the last town Shinichi and Misao visited.

Shinichihe made a lot of predictions about our group, about things weve kept secret from the others. But the truth is, I dont know if I want to hear any of his riddles solved.

Were lucky in one way. We have the Saitou family to help us. You remember Isobel Saitou, who pierced herself so horribly while she was possessed? Since shes gotten better, shes become a good friend, and her mother, Mrs. Saitou, and her grandmother, Obaasan, too. They give us amuletsspells to keep evil away, written on Post-it Notes or little cards. Were so grateful for that kind of help. Someday maybe we can repay them all.