Dave Eggers - Your Fathers, Where Are They? And the Prophets, Do They Live Forever?

I did it. Youre really here. An astronaut. Jesus.

Whos that?

You probably have a headache. From the chloroform.

What? Where am I? Where is this place? Who the fuck are you?

You dont recognize me?

What? No. What is this?

That? Its a chain. Its attached to that post. Dont pull on it.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

I said dont pull on it. And I have to tell you right away how sorry I am that youre here under these circumstances.

Who are you?

We know each other, Kev. From way back. And I didnt want to bring you here like this. I mean, Id rather just grab a beer with you sometime, but you didnt answer any of my letters and then I saw you were coming through town so Really, dont yank on that. Youll mess up your leg.

Why the fuck am I here?

Youre here because I brought you here.

You did this? You have me chained to a post?

Isnt that thing great? I dont know if youd call it a post. Whatever it is, its incredibly strong. This place came with them. This was a military base, so there are these weird fixtures here and there. That thing youre chained to can hold ten thousand pounds, and just about every building here has one. Stop pulling on it.

Help!

Dont yell. Theres no one for miles. And the oceans just over the hill, so between the waves and the wind youd barely hear a cannon fire from here. But theyre not firing cannons anymore.

Help!

Jesus. Stop. Thats way too loud. This is all cement, man. Hear that echo?

Help! Help!

I figured you might yell, so if its going to be now, just tell me. I cant stay here while you do that.

Help!

My respect for you is plummeting.

Help! Help! Help! Hello

All right. Jesus Christ. Ill be back when youre done.

You done?

Fuck you.

You know, Ive never heard you swear before. Thats one of the main things I remember about you, that you never swore. You were such a serious guy, so precise and careful and upstanding. And with the crew cut and those short-sleeve button-downs, you were such a throwback. I guess you have to be if you want to be an astronaut you have to be that kind of tidy. Have that kind of purity.

I dont know you.

What? Yes you do. You dont remember?

No. I dont know anyone like you.

Stop. Just think about it. Who am I?

No.

Youre chained to a post. You might as well guess. How do we know each other?

Fuck you.

No.

Help!

Dont. Cant you hear how loud it is in here? You hear the echo?

Help! Help!

Im so disappointed in you, Kev.

Help! Help! Help!

Okay. Im leaving till you get your shit together.

Now are you done? Its cold out there at night. The wind comes up the bluff and the Pacific I dont know. It gets bitter. With the sun out its almost balmy, but when it drops it gets arctic quick. You must be hoarse. You want some water?

Ill just leave this bottle here. Drink it when you want. Thats why I left your left hand free. Well be here awhile, so just know Ill make sure you eat and have whatever else you need. I have some blankets in the van, too.

Howd you get me here? Were you the guy moving that couch?

That was me. I saw that trick in a movie. I cant believe it worked. You helped me move the couch into the van, and I tased you, then I used some chloroform and drove you here. You want to hear the whole thing? Its pretty incredible.

No.

You cant really park very close to this building were in, so I dragged you out of the van onto that cart there you can see it outside. It was already here, and it works perfectly. I could push an elephant on that thing. So I got you onto that cart, then I pulled you a quarter mile from the parking lot to this building. To be honest, Im still just dazed thinking that all this worked. Youve got me by, what, thirty pounds, and youre definitely in better shape than I could ever be. But still it worked. Youre a fucking astronaut and now I have you here. This is a great day.

Youre nuts.

No, no. Im not. First of all, Im sorry. I never thought Id do something like this, but everything lately made it necessary. Ive never hurt anyone in my life, and I wont hurt you. I would never harm you, Kev. I want you to understand that. So you dont need to struggle or anything. Ill let you go tomorrow after we talk for a while.

Youre really fucking nuts.

Im really not. Really. I want you to stop saying that, because Im not. Im a moral man and Im a principled man.

Fuck you.

Stop saying that, too. I dont like you when you swear. Lets get back to remembering me. Do you?

No.

Kev, stop. Just look at me. The sooner we get through all this, the sooner I can let you go.

You let me go and Ill kill you.

Hey. Hey. Why would you say that? That doesnt make any sense. You just set yourself back hours. Maybe more. I was planning to let you go later on tonight. Maybe tomorrow at the latest. But now youve got me scared. I didnt picture you as a violent type. Jesus, Kev, youre an astronaut! You shouldnt be going around threatening people.

Youve got me chained to a post.

Still. What I did to you was methodical and nonviolent. It was a means to an end. I wanted to talk to you, and you havent answered my letters, so I didnt think I had a choice. I really do apologize for having to do it this way. Ive been in a strange place lately. I was getting these migraines, I couldnt sleep. Holy shit, the pressure! The questions were piling up and were strangling me at night. Have you ever had that, where youre lying there, and the questions are just these asps wrapping themselves around your throat?

You are so fucking nuts.

You know what, Kev? Im not. But I have to say, right when I said asps I knew it was a mistake. Someone like you hears that word, the specificity of it, and you think Im some obsessive weirdo.

But youre not.

See, the sarcasm, too. Thats new. I remember you being so sincere. I privately admired that. I dont like this new edge. Now listen, I think you can tell I have my faculties together.

Even though you kidnapped me and brought me here.

Exactly because I brought you here successfully. I made a plan, executed it, and I brought an astronaut to an abandoned military base one hundred and ten miles away from where I abducted you. That makes me a pretty competent person, correct?

Kev. You work for the government, right?

I work for NASA.

Which is a government agency. And every day the government is bringing some enemy combatant to some undisclosed location to interrogate them, right? So whats wrong with me doing the same thing?

So Im an enemy combatant.

No. Maybe that was a poor comparison.

Buddy, youll be in prison the rest of your life.

I dont think so. Only dumb people get caught.

And youre a brilliant criminal mastermind.

No. No, Kev. Ive never done anything illegal in my life. Isnt that amazing? I really havent. The great crimes are committed by first-timers. I see you looking around. Isnt this place great? How cool is it that were actually on a military base? You recognize this stuff? Look around. This was some kind of artillery storage building. I think they would fasten the cannons or whatever to these posts so they could move back and forth to absorb the kickback. Im not really sure, but why else would they have these posts here?

Im going to fucking kill you. But the cops will kill you first.

Kev, that wont happen.

You dont think theres a massive manhunt to find out what happened to me?