Marsden - Secret Mens Business: Manhood, the Big Gig

Thanks to the many who have given me ideas, stories, or things to think about over the years; specifically, in the case of this book, Noelene Horton, Nick Lillie, Bruno Bettelheim, Michael Schwartz, Alice Miller, Antoinette Ryan, David Loader, Rosalind Alexander, and thousands of others.

The author would like to acknowledge that small portions of this text have appeared in Everything I Know About Writing (Reed, 1993) and The Written World , edited by Agnes Nieuwenhuizen (Thorpe, 1994).

Becoming a man is the biggest challenge youll ever have.

There are 12 things you need to do, if you are to reach manhood.

Of course in one way all you have to do to become a man is to stay alive. Physically you will grow into a man.

As you reach different birthdays youll be given some of the tickets of adulthood, whether youre ready or not.

So, at 18 youll be allowed to drink alcohol, even if you have an emotional age of six. Youll be able to vote at 18, even if you think Humphrey B. Bear is President of the U.S.A. and Canberra is a brand of salami.

Youll be allowed to go to R-rated films, although your ideas of sex might be based on what youve read on toilet walls, and you think violence is a good way to communicate with other people. After a few tests youll be able to drive a car, even if you are vicious and irresponsible.

But to become a man who is mature, independent, responsible and wise youll need to do a little more than just stay alive and have birthdays.

Its worth going for it though. There are a lot of good things about being a man, including...

You take control of your own life

You can protect others

People look to you for leadership

You can make things happen

You can reshape the world, on a small scale for example, by building your own house or becoming a youth worker; or on a big scale for example, by producing a movie thats a huge international hit

You can help others

A whole new world of interesting experiences opens up for you

One of the reasons its difficult to become a man is that you are encouraged in so many ways to remain immature. Schools, and some parents, want to keep you as a child. They feel you will be easier to control if you are still a child, that you will be more biddable (more likely to do what youre told). They might not want to acknowledge the fact that you are now sexually potent. Your father may have been the only sexually potent male in the house up until now, and he could feel threatened.

One of the ways this might show is by his teasing you about girls, or about your first dates. It is cruel to tease you about something you probably already feel anxious about, but it shows that hes got mixed feelings about your maturing.

He may even flirt with your girlfriend or show too much curiosity about your activities with girls. This is not appropriate, nor is it helpful. You will need to show more dignity and maturity than him in this situation, and maybe arrange your life so you have more privacy.

On the other hand your father may feel proud of the new stage you have reached, and pleased that your relationship with him is on a new and more mature level. Many men are more comfortable with their sons when they can talk on a more equal level.

In this situation if he teases you occasionally, you know its part of the affectionate relationship you have. Youll probably give as good as you get.

Your mother could be nervous that there is now another sexually potent male in the house, and she may try to keep you as her little boy for a while longer, so she can keep mothering you. In this situation she wants to deny your growth. This is not in your best long-term interests.