Andrea Owen - How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits that Are Holding You Back from Happiness

Published by Nero,

an imprint of Schwartz Publishing Pty Ltd

Level 1, 221 Drummond Street

Carlton VIC 3053, Australia

www.nerobooks.com

Original edition published by Seal Press,

an imprint of Hachette Book Group,

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California

sealpress.com

Copyright Andrea Owen 2017

This edition published in 2018 by arrangement with Seal Press, an imprint of Perseus Books, LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc., New York, USA.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior consent of the publishers.

9781760640316 (paperback)

9781743820155 (ebook)

Cover design by Anna Dorfman

Text design and typesetting by Jeff Williams

Author photograph by Weston Hall Photography

This book is dedicated to all the women
whove decided to light a fire in their lives

INTRODUCTION

In early 2007 I found myself at my own rock bottom.

The man I was dating had convinced me to leave my job and my apartment to move away with him. As we were planning our move, I found out hed lied about everything during our relationship, including fabricating a story about having cancer to cover up his drug habit. He had drained thousands of dollars from me, and that same week, I was holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand. About a month after that, as I was completely out of money, he left me. I had been conned.

I was humiliated, not to mention broke, jobless, had nowhere to live, and pregnant. To add insult to injury, the year before all this, my husband had left me for another woman.

The pity my family, friends, and colleagues had for me was unbearable. I could feel the discomfort of them around methey didnt know what to say or do. Some people even avoided meit felt as if they didnt want to get too close for fear they would catch my defectiveness. I hated my life and hated myself for what I had put up with that had brought me to where I was.

The loneliness and shame were crippling. It seemed like everyone I knew was either happily married and having babies, or if they were single, they certainly werent a giant hot mess as I was. I felt like damaged goods, not to mention the dumbest woman who ever lived. I asked myself over and over: How did I get here, and how could I have been so stupid? What is wrong with me?

In retrospect, I know now that in the years leading up to that all-time low, I had built a life in which I had made myself into something I thought other people wanted me to be. My spirit was shattered, and I had no sense at all of what my own value might be. I was petrified of the world. Panic-stricken over what would happen if people saw the real me. Terrified at the thought of people knowing just how much I didnt know. Scared they would find out how desperately I needed other people and wanted simply to love and be loved. I had built my life around perfectionism, self-sabotage, and the need for control, habits and behaviors I thought would keep me safe. Until they didnt.

Slowly but surely as I began to heal and piece my life together, I found out I wasnt the only woman who had built my life around all those habits. As I built my coaching practice and began helping women who reminded me of my former self, I realized so many women were also engaging in exactly the same self-undermining behaviors I had. And they wondered why they felt like shit.

In fact, as time went on, I began to see that there was an actual pattern of habits that kept women down, and they were immensely common. As I spoke to other women whose hearts were hurting and souls were wounded, I found they were all suffering from fourteen detrimental thought and action behaviors, and I began to put names to them.

Once I saw the fourteen habits come together, I began to understand that while life knocks us down, its these habits that keep us down, and by paying attention, identifying, and putting an end to these habits, we can empower ourselves to find our way back to strength and happiness.

When I started my own work and even after I began to teach others, I thought there was a wrong way and a right way to do life. I thought if you were giving in to habits like the ones youre going to read about in this book, that you were destined for doom and unhappiness.

Brace yourself. Im about to say something that might surprise you.

All the habits in the chapters aheadtheyre all normal. No one will read this book and think, Nope, I dont do any of this at all. And thats okay. In fact, its good. Sometimes you will need these habits to protect yourself. We need them to protect ourselves from the agony of life. Its what weve learned, and the habits do workfor a short while. Its when we give in to them to such an extent that they are no longer protecting us, but actually holding us back, that we run into trouble.

Some self-help books will tell you that what you put out into the Universe youll get back. That your energy and attitude dictate your circumstances and reality. I used to believe this, but the more I looked around and heard peoples stories, I realized that sometimes...

Life just happens.

Life is hard. Not because were doing it wrong, but because life is hard.

GLENNON DOYLE MELTON

Crises happen, people are assholes, we get dumped, toddlers throw tantrums, teenagers keep us awake at night worrying, the doctor gives the diagnosis we didnt want. Youre not doing life wrong; you dont have a bad vibration. Its just how it is.

But you wonder if you are doing it wrong because other people seem to have it all figured out and you dont, so you end up feeling lonely and confused.

When that happens, you might buy some self-help books and listen to some empowering podcasts, hoping for some answers. Theyve got to be out there, right? The secrets? The explanations? You compile your list: meditation, yoga, green smoothies, follow this person on Instagram, and read all the books.

But heres what I know to be true: that checklist wont make you happy and joyful.

The answerthe key to your happinesslies in connecting the dots from your past to your current behavior and shining the light on things that hurt. Its about facing the obstacles, working through and processing them, and loving yourself along the way. Its about accepting all the feelings and emotions that come along with it (even if they dont make sense and feel wrong), and starting the whole process over and over again. That is freedom and peace.

This book is about how to recognize a shitty habit, choose a different one, and practice the new behavior. Get it wrong and try again. Rinse and repeat. This book is about taking action. Not just reading about it and thinking, Hmmmm... that sounds good. No. Its about thinking, Hmmm... that sounds good, and it sounds a little uncomfortable. Im going to do that. And Ill probably mess it up. But Ill keep going because Im tired of feeling like shit.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK

Ten years ago, when I went to therapy after my divorce, I sat down in my therapists office and said, How long will it take me to heal from this? Because Im ready and I want to start now.

I probably even looked at my watch at that momentmaybe I was hoping we could wrap it all up in an hour. I wanted a solution and I wanted it quick.