Tom Sizemore - By Some Miracle I Made It Out of There: A Memoir

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For my two sons, Jayden and Jagger;

my mother, Judy Sizemore;

Monroe Allen; and Anna David

What if by some miracle we stay, then actually make it out of here?

Sergeant Mike Horvath (Tom Sizemore), Saving Private Ryan

I NEVER EXPECTED TO be more infamous than famous. Before my arrest in 2003, the only things that the public knew about me were from my work. You knew about Heat and Natural Born Killers and Saving Private Ryan . The interviews I gave were, if not boring, then at least completely benign. Back when we were promoting Natural Born Killers and I was dating Juliette Lewis, if a reporter said, So tell me about Juliette Lewis, Id know what they were getting atthe fact that we were having an affairbut I would play completely dumb. Id say, You saw that movie, and you saw her play Mallory Knox, and if you want to know anything else about her, Id say you just have to watch the movie again.

Theyd say, What do you mean? and Id say something like Shes just a wild child. Something dumb, and it would get picked up. Thats actually one of the quotes Im known for on Juliette: Shes a wild child. One of the stupidest things Ive ever said.

Still, because I said nothing, all you knew about me was the work. But then everything fell apart and there was a descent into complete fucking weirdness and non sequiturs. I went on A Current Affair in 2005 and talked about how I once couldnt find my way home. I was making a joke and it was reported as serious newsActor Tom Sizemore Cant Find His Way Homebut my point is that I was supposed to be on television talking about being an actor. I think its safe to say that things are out of control when headlines are stating that you cant find your way home.

And heres how I feel at this point: Id never hire me. If I werent me, I wouldnt hire Tom Sizemore to make coffee or throw confetti on himself. Id think, This guy went to prison. Are you kidding? He used a Whizzinator! I dont want him in my building! You think I want him on my show? I wouldnt have given myself the chances other people have been generous enough to give me.

Ive led an interesting life, but I cant tell you what Id give to be the guy you didnt know anything about. What Id give to be someone like Tom Hanks, where, when you thought of me, youd say, Oh, Tomhes really something else, huh? Americas favorite neighbor. Americas favorite son.

Of course, thats not me. Ive done a lot of things that would make that impossible, and I know that telling you all about them probably wont help me to become Americas favorite son. But it may help you to understand how everything happened the way it did and a bit more about what was going on behind those ugly headlines. For now, Ive come out on the other sidefound a way to get off drugs and build a career that Im proud of againbut I also know that, as a sober addict, all I really have is today. And for that, Im incredibly grateful.

Im also grateful that you still care about me. Without that, Id never have made it this far.

Tom Sizemore

August 2012

R EALLY, ALL I knew about crystal meth before I did it was that it was supposed to be an aphrodisiac of sorts: it apparently transformed men into Superman in bed. And look, you read Makes your penis incredibly hard and Superman-like and its going to get filed away in your mind, even if youre soberas I was in 2001.

By then, my former heroin addiction and the rehabs Id been to felt like they were pretty far back in the past. And the truth of the matter is that I didnt really want to be sober.

Thats part of why I dont blame Heidi Fleiss for what happened. But before I get into that, lets get one thing straight: I didnt expect to fall for her. Still, I was hooked on sex with her from the beginning: Heidi had a quality that Ive never been able to pinpoint exactly, but she had the ability to make any shameful associations with sex disappear.

One of the first nights she came over to my house, she laid out a little bit of meth on the dresser in my bedroom. I had been lying on the bed with my back turned, but I heard what she was doing.

Thats coke, right? I asked. Even though she knew Id been in trouble with heroin years before, I hadnt made a big deal about how I hadnt been doing drugs. I really didnt talk about it at all.

Nope, she said. Its trailer park dope.

Thats when I got up and started walking around the bed. She wasnt trying to get me to do it; she was just doing her thing. But I watched her do her thing with interest.

So thats that meth shit? I asked. Keep in mind that this was in 2001; there wasnt a lot out there about meth yet. That crystal shit?

She nodded, and that was all it took. I grabbed the straw from her.

Be carefulits strong, she said.

I was trying to be cool, so I said something like I know how to do dope, bitch. And then I did a line.

Ten seconds later, I was flyingfucking flying. I hadnt done coke in years, but this was nothing like coke. It was the most intense thing Id ever felt. I was instantly more energetic and euphoric than Id ever beenit was like hurling forward at the speed of lightand I knew, even though I couldnt admit it at the time, that human beings simply werent meant to feel that good. I turned around and said, What the fuck, are you trying to kill me?

She didnt answer because she was already taking off her clothes. And thats when I discovered that everything Id read about the Superman powers was true. At that moment, I wanted to fuck her more than I wanted to breathe.

Later, Heidi told me shed never seen meth impact anyone the way it did mesexually, that is. On meth, I could orgasm and never lose my erection. Id come four or five times, and each one would be bettermore intensethan the last. I was already rapacious before meth, but meth made me sexualize everything and everyone. I started to associate the drug and sex right away, whereas it generally takes other people some time before that occurs.

Heidi had already been doing meth for a while by then. She was actually at the point where she was dreading having to do it and was ready to stop. But I was just getting going. I didnt know how dangerous it wasits not like it came with some skull and crossbones on itand people just didnt know then. I thought I was doing something that was just going to lead to more fun and bring more pleasure to my life. I didnt understand then, or in any way anticipate, that Id soon have to do it to handle my every mood and feeling.

I woke up the next morning and didnt even think about it. Heidi went home, and I got up and worked out. If only Id known then what getting involved with Heidi, and with meth, would do to me. I had no idea that my life would never be the same.

T HE PART OF Detroit I was born inCorktownwasnt exactly Beverly Hills. It was a small enclave of poor, working-class white people located near Tiger Stadium, a stadium thats since been torn down but used to be where the Detroit Tigers would play. Although my familys financial situation changed later, when my dad became a lawyer, we didnt have a lot in the beginning. It was a very blue-collar, lower-middle-class upbringing.