Elaine Martens Hamilton - Church on the Couch: Does the Church Need Therapy?

A local church can only be as healthy as its leaders. And its leaders can only be healthy when they get real. Thats why Im thrilled to recommend Church on the Couch to you. With an unbridled commitment to authenticity, Elaine provides practical and biblical guidance for church leaders dedicated to healing, growing, connecting, and maturing. Consider this book an essential toolbox for bringing you and the people in your care closer to each other and to God.

Les Parrott, PhD
Founder of RealRelationships.com
Author of Trading Places

Getting real is a genuine option. The church is the first place it should happen. Elaine Martens Hamilton will take you there!

John Ortberg
Pastor and Author
Menlo Park Presbyterian Church

Elaine Hamilton has done us a great service, providing practical insights so that we can do authentic, serious discipleship in our churches. I highly recommend Church on the Couch to you!

Pete Scazzero
Author of The Emotionally Healthy Church
Senior Pastor of New Life Fellowship Church

Elaine Martens Hamilton

To my sweet family: Ken, Katie, and Josh.
Without you, Id still be faking it. I love you.

ZONDERVAN

Church on the Couch

Copyright 2009 by Elaine Martens Hamilton

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition January 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-31426-4

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hamilton, Elaine Martens, 1959

Church on the couch : does the church need therapy? /

Elaine Martens Hamilton.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references [if applicable].

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-28391-1

1. Church. 2. Interpersonal relationsReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV600.3.H36 2008

253.5'2dc22

2008025038

The names and identifying details of the individuals discussed in this book have been changed to protect their privacy.

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, TodaysNew International Version. TNIV. Copyright 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society.

Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from The Message. Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers printed in this book are offered as a resource to you. These are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

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Contents

Chapter 1: Im Okay, Youre Okay
Learning how to fake it

Chapter 2: Analyze This
What happens when all of us fakers get together

Chapter 3: Tell Me about It
Finding a way to tell our stories

Chapter 4: How Does That Make You Feel?
Facing our anxiety about being real

Chapter 5: Group Therapy for the Masses
Reimagining Sunday mornings

Chapter 6: Defense Mechanisms Galore
Leading from an authentic place

Chapter 7: Head Shrinking
Dealing with difficult people and difficult conversations

Chapter 8: Weve Got Issues
Handling affairs and sexual addictions

Chapter 9: Analyze That
What authenticity looks like on the journey

Chapter 10: Im Okay, No Really, Im Okay
Letting yourself be human

Chapter 11: When Denial Is a Good Thing
Refusing to give up

Thanks to:

Ernie and Pauline Owen For telling me I still had something to say

Katya Covrett For helping me figure out what it was I wanted to say

Leeana Tankersley For reading every chapter more than once, providing invaluable feedback and talking me down off the ledge when necessary. This would have been so much harder without you.

To my friends and clients who bravely shared their stories. You are my heroes.

I come from a long line of church leaders. My mom tells me that her great grandfather was a Mennonite pastor in Russia in the 1800s. My grandparents on both sides later fled Russia to escape religious persecution and settled in Canada, along with other Mennonites. My dad and his brothers were famous for their music ministry, often singing four-part harmony over the telephone lines for their whole community. And I dont mean to brag, but I can sing the alto part of just about any hymn you can name.

When my brothers and I were young, my parents helped plant a church in rural Ontario and among the six of us, we have served in every capacity you can think of. As a family, our connection to the church and our faith has shaped so much about us.

After college, I became a missionary. I worked on high school campuses with Youth for Christ throughout my twenties. My church supported me. They sent me money and prayed for me and were always interested in what God was doing in the lives of the kids I worked with. It was a huge growing time for me and I learned a lot about relational ministry.

As I got closer to thirty, I ran out of energy for sleepovers and thought it might be time to shift to working with adults. So I decided to go to seminary to study theology in hopes of going into full-time ministry in the church. While studying there, I worked as a volunteer in womens ministries.

In the middle of all that, I met and married Ken, a handsome, fascinating guy from California, who was also in youth ministry. We hardly knew each other, having never even lived in the same country but when he asked me if I wanted to marry him and move to California, it seemed like a no-brainer. Cute guy, sandy beaches or more endless Canadian winters? Hmmm.

As one might imagine, Ken and I had a rocky start. We were both stubborn and independent and had no idea how to communicate well. Then the babies came, and the added stress plus lack of sleep made it impossible to continue to ignore the problems between us.

By this time I was in my midthirties, and the stable, focused ministry leader I had always been began to disintegrate. The advice Id been handing out to others for years turned out to be too trite and simplistic to solve my own problems. After years of leading, I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was going anymore. And I was tired, incredibly tired. Too tired to pretend I was doing okay. I had no idea how to fix what was wrong with me. No one in my life really knew me or my struggles and, worst of all, God seemed more like a system of ideas I had studied to death than a reality I was experiencing. Another Bible study or seminary class wasnt going to fix this mess. The only thing that seemed obvious was that I needed help. I needed to get really honest, to say it all out loud to somebody and see what might come of that.