Nora McInerny - No Happy Endings: A Memoir

This book is here because I did everything all on my own, as always, with no help from anyone. Thanks for nothing.

KIDDING!

This book is here because of Jess Regel and Julia Cheiffetz and Carrie Thornton. Because of Aaron Purmort and Matthew Hart and Dave Gilmore and Hannah Meacock Ross and Lindsay Wenner and Hans Buetow and Moe Richardson. Because of Ian, and Sophie, and Ralph, and Baby. Because of Mae Mae and Opa and Nikki and Andrew and Shari and Jim and Madame and Patrick and Austin and Meghan. Because of Steve McInerny.

This book is here because so many peoplestrangers, even!gave a rip about me and my family and the work that I do. Because so many of you are living your own complicated life and love stories right now, and get it .

Thank you.

Its Okay to Laugh

NORA M C INERNY is a reluctant expert in difficult conversations. As the host of American Public Medias Gracie Awardwinning podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking , Nora brings empathy and wit to tough subjects. Nora is a contributor to Elle.com, Cosmopolitan.com, the Minneapolis Star Tribune , Buzzfeed, Time.com, Slate, and Vox, where shes often tapped for her essay pieces highlighting the emotional landscape and humor in complex topics, like the financial impacts of healthcare and grief in a digital age. She founded the nonprofit Still Kickin and the Hot Young Widows Club, an online group of people who have lost their significant other.

Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com .

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S o, you think youre ready to have a breakdown, do ya? Well, take it from a woman who has spent more than one afternoon sobbing in her minivan in the Costco parking lot: youre probably closer than you think you are. And if not, getting there wont be as hard as you think. All you need to get started are a few simple elements you can find laying around in your own heart. Ready, set, breakdown!

1. 1. AN INCITING INCIDENT
2. And an exciting one, too! Whats the worst that could happen? Maybe a spouse or a parent could die. Maybe you lose your job or end a relationship. There are many ways for your life to fall apart, and if youre lucky, one will come flying at you with no effort on your part. Now, if these situations arent available to you, create one! Become so irritable and controlling that the people you love have no choice but to distance themselves from you, perhaps citing your toxic nature. If you have a job, stop doing it! Or show up and do a really bad job. However you choose to jump-start the situation yourself, know that the real fun begins only after the disaster.
3. 2. BE FINE
4. How are you? Well, youre fine , of course! Youve never been better. I mean, sure, those medical bills are adding up to more than your house is worth, and yeah, youre not on speaking terms with your siblings, and no, you dont exactly have a job, but overall? When you think of it? Ya cant complain. Turn the conversation back onto the asker as soon as humanly possible. Youll immediately find out that theyre just as fine as you are. Wild, right?
5. 3. DI(ALL)Y
6. Help? Who needs help? Not you. You can handle it. Totally. Whatever it is. Three hours in line at the Social Security office, only to find out that your form wasnt notarized on the third day of the month with Saturn in your fifth house? Not a problem. Two kids with the stomach flu and a job that doesnt give you paid sick time? You got this. A burning pit of despair growing stronger every day like the Eye of Sauron? All over it. Those cracks youre starting to feel in that Totally Fine Construct you worked so hard on? Thats the breakdown coming. The cortisol is pumping, your blood pressure is banging, and your body, which doesnt know the difference between emotional stress and being chased by a sabre-toothed tiger, is freaking the fudge out . Delicious, isnt it? Dont worry, theres more where that came from!
7. 4. DOUBLE YOUR STANDARDS
8. Where the heck have all your friends and family gone? Its almost like when you told them you were fine and didnt need any help, they believed you? Are they nuts? Have they totally lost it? Arent they listening to you? How could they not see your suffering, just because you carefully concealed it under Instagram filters and quality lipsticks? Its very important that you dont verbalize any of this to them, of course. This pain is a secret you must bury deep inside, and water with resentment and anxiety. Let it grow into a grudge, then blossom into a freak-out. Youre almost there.
9. 5. CRACK!
10. Its an onomatopoeia (that took me five attempts to spell correctly before giving up and just letting autocorrect do the job it was born to do), and the whole purpose behind this exercise. The timeline will look different for everyone, but that being said, it should take you no more than a year to get to this point. A year is a good milestone. After a year, most people stop caring about whatever it is that happened in your life. Not because theyre awful people (though some of them are) but because their lives are also pretty lifey, and you and your tragedy has slid off the bottom of their To Care About list.
11. If this step does take you more than a year, youll want to really take a good look at how you performed steps 1 to 3, because you didnt do them right. If youve interfered with this process with meditation, prayer, therapy, or mood stabilizers, well then, you have nobody to blame but yourself for your tragically healthy mental state. Otherwise, you can expect that constant burning rage youve been stoking inside of you to come bursting out of you very soon, likely when you least expect it. Maybe your brother will say something that the rest of your family hears as a joke, but you hear correctly as a vicious dig on you and everything you stand for. Perhaps someone who appears to be just driving to work, probably zoned out and listening to public radio, is actually trying to run you off the road and kill you in a fiery wreck and youll be forced to drive up beside them and scream at the top of your lungs while shooting them double-barrel middle fingers. Perhaps youll be sitting in your driveway, trying to steal a few blessed moments alone in your car before you walk into your house and whatever comes next, and an old Cher song will come on the radio. Its a dance tune, but when she asks if you believe in life after love? And suggests that inside her, something is saying she isnt strong enough? You relate . Strongly.
12. Most likely, the woman behind you at Target will be chewing her gum too loud while her husband loudly espouses his questionable political beliefs.

In any of these instances, you will leave your body, hovering above yourself while you breathe enough fire to burn any remaining bridges to sanity you may have. When you come back to your body, back to the full consciousness of what youve done, and what youve been through, youll feel it. Its cold and icy and dark and heavy. Its the unmistakable knowledge that everything is as broken as you thought it was.