Kasl - If the Buddha Dated

ARKANA

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Copyright Charlotte Sophia Kasl, 1999
All rights reserved
Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint excerpts from the following copyrighted works:

I am filled by the light of a thousand angels by James Burgess. By permission of James Burgess.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Copyright 1923 by Kahlil Gibran and renewed 1951 by Administrators C. T.A. by Kahlil Gibran Estate and Mary G. Gibran. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.

Lucky in Love by Catherine Johnson. Copyright 1992 by Catherine Johnson. Used by permission of Viking Penguin, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc.

The Kabir Book: Forty-four of the Ecstatic Poems of Kabir, versions by Robert Bly. Copyright 1971, 1977 by Robert Bly. Copyright 1977 by The Seventies Press. By permission of Beacon Press.

If Im So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? by Susan Page. Copyright 1988 by Susan Page. Used by permission of Viking Penguin, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc.

Rumi: Like This, translated by Coleman Barks, Maypop Books. Coleman Barks, 1990. By permission of Coleman Barks.

Rumi: Say I Am You: Poetry Interspersed with Stories of Rumi and Shams, translated by Coleman Barks and John Moyne, Maypop Books. Coleman Barks, 1994. By permission of Coleman Barks.

Journey of the Heart by John Welwood. Copyright 1990 by John Welwood. By permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Kasl, Charlotte Davis.
If the Buddha dated : a handbook for finding love on a spiritual path / Charlotte Sophia Kasl.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-1011-9940-4
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First edition (electronic): February 2002

ARKANA

IF THE BUDDHA DATED

Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., has been a practicing psychotherapist, workshop leader, Quaker, and Reiki healer for twenty years. She has had a longtime involvement with feminism, Eastern spiritual practices, and alternative healing, bringing an empowering holistic approach to all her work. Her books include Finding Joy, Many Roads, One Journey, and the classic Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power. Formerly of Minneapolis, Minnesota, she now lives in an octagonal house on a mountain near Missoula, Montana.

other books by charlotte kasl

A Home for the Heart: Creating Intimacy and Community with Loved Ones, Neighbors, and Friends

Finding Joy: 101 Ways to Free Your Spirit and Dance with Life

Yes, You Can! A Guide to Empowerment Groups

Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the Twelve Steps

Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power

To all people seeking love on a spiritual path

and to
Alissa, Danielle, and Mary

heartfelt thanks

... to all the people who helped with this book. Special thanks to my editor, Janet Goldstein, for enthusiasm, wonderful input, and support; to Edite Kroll, my steadfast agent, for help, humor, and friendship; thanks also to Susan Hans OConnor and Nancy Peske for editing and to Erica Soon Olson for editing and writing instruction.

A bouquet of roses to Rowan Conrad, therapist and senior student of Zen Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, for a careful reading and invaluable detailed suggestions for the manuscript. And for input, comments, interviews, friendship, inspiration, humor, and moral support, not necessarily in that order, thank you friends and colleagues: Keith Walker, Stephen Wolinsky, Jane Yank, Jennifer Schneider, Mary Greenfield, Shahir, Qahira, Star, Darvesha, Altazar Player, David Long, Barbara Brady, Jim McNaughton, Alissa Davis, Danielle Davis, Joanna Lester, Jeanine Walker, Dodi Moquin, Debbie Batterson, Johna Koontz, Michelle Moeller, David Marsolek, Michael Sullivan, and Linda Lightfoot

introduction
WHAT THIS BOOK CAN AND CANT DO FOR YOU

This book is about creating love in your life. It begins with bringing awareness, compassion, and loving kindness to yourself, including the parts you tend to disown or want to keep hidden. This journey of self-knowledge may be uncomfortable, sometimes challenging, but it will help you make friends with all of who you are, so you will be free to welcome another person into your heart. I have been on this journey for a long time, and have felt both the freedom of transforming old patterns and the humbling experience of meeting parts of myself that still need compassion and understanding.

You will find that remaining on the spiritual path as you seek a lover or partner involves a journey that affects all of your lifenot just the dating, love, romance, and marriage part. You will begin to recognize long-held beliefs that have been shaping much of your behavior, and you will move beyond them with a new awareness that frees you from the past and allows you to see others clearly, so you can create a spiritual union that you can trust.

As you follow this path, you will find that compassion and acceptance replace fear, negative judgment, and worry. You will approach dating with curiosity, fascination, and a light heart, wanting only what is good for yourself and another person. Instead of choosing a partner based on images, pretense, and roles, you will be able to join your journey with another and learn what it means to create a spiritual bond that is flexible and expansive for both of you.

This is a book for men and women of any age or faith, who seek a vibrant human relationship based on authenticity, equality, spirituality, and joy. While it is centered on Buddhist wisdom, I also draw from Christian, Sufi, and other Eastern teachings. Buddhism is more a philosophy for living rather than a religion or dogmaits about being awake, free from illusions and fear, so that compassion and loving kindness permeate all our relationships. We can all find our Buddha naturethe luminous essence within usno matter what our belief system.

While this book is a guide to dating on the spiritual path, it is also practicalfull of exercises and suggestions designed to help you on your way. In Buddhism, as in Sufism and other spiritual practices, the practical ways we live are not separate from the spiritual path. It is our ability to be present to the moment, yet unattached to the outcome of any situation, that helps help us create intimate relationships.

This book is also playful. If you think about it, dating can be funny, or at least a good melodrama. These teachings will help you relax and watch yourself with bemused compassion when you feel lost or get caught up making painful demands: I want a lover/a husband/a wife now! A light heart and sense of humor help us undercut such demands and keep our sense of perspective. From a cosmic point of view, which includes the breadth of our whole life, our romantic turmoil matters very little. Its a passing show, a moment in time.

Speaking of romantic turmoil, this book doesnt promise the quick fix or the perfect relationship that so many dating books guarantee. I have no pat formulas that will bring you a marriage made in heaven, get you to the altar, or put the words I do in someones mouth. Think about all the books out there with surefire ways to lose twenty pounds. They may work in the short term, but to keep the pounds off, you need to make permanent changes not only in your eating and exercise habits, but in your ability to know and love yourself. Everyone knows what a challenge that is. How much more of a challenge, then, to change our lifelong beliefs and habits about relationships, romance, and love.