Seslick Dale - Dr Dales Zombie Dictionary: The A-Z Guide to Staying Alive

Hi, Im Dr Dale from Dr Dales School of Survival, and Ive written this book to make sure you dont get your intestines ripped out.

First of all, let me thank you for buying my Zombie Dictionary , for taking this positive step to guarantee your own survival should the undead rise. You should take a moment now to feel a great sense of inner peace, satisfied that you had the foresight and strength to admit that you needed the Zombie Dictionary in order to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. You needed Dr Dales help. Yes, thats it, let that cosy feeling of needing me just flow right through you.

OK, thats enough inner peace and self satisfaction. We should really get down to the business of making sure you dont die And rise again.

Those of you who have purchased this book in the hope of finding out all about the best firearms, heavy artillery, torpedoes, missiles, tanks and submarines will be sorely disappointed. Here at the School of Survival, those are not the kind of methods we use. During a zombie apocalypse, guns will be in short supply they also require ammunition and constant maintenance to make sure they are at peak performance. All this means that they are unreliable. You need to learn how to survive using anything and everything you can get your hands on as well as a healthy dose of common sense, and that is what we shall be focusing on in these pages.

Throughout this dictionary there will be facts that will shock, astound and amaze you in equal measure but be aware that none of the advice can be taken as definitive. As yet, no zombies have risen from the grave on which to test our theories. However, like most resourceful, intelligent people, here at the school we have researched our information thoroughly using movies, books, blogs, forums, Wikipedia and a man down the pub who we think is called Bobor perhaps Bert cant really remember, but he does wear a hat.

We hope you have an informative and life-changing journey with us through the pages of the Zombie Dictionary and if, in fact, this information turns out not to be useful and you dont survive a zombie apocalypse, we are happy to give you a full no-qualms refund if the book is returned within 30 days of purchase, with a valid receipt, by the person who bought it.

As many of you know, the word zombies begins with a Z which is the last letter of the alphabet and though some of you may find it too radical a step to cope with at this stage of your training I am going to cover the Z word first as I feel its important we all know what were dealing with.

There is certain knowledge that I will take for granted during the book as I assume you are all aware of the basics of Zombie Mythology. For those who arent, heres a brief introduction:

In recent films and in the media ( 28 Days Later and Left 4 Dead ) zombies have been portrayed as humans who have become infected with some form of virus that has made them crave human flesh and become a bit grumpy. These are not zombies. These are people who want to eat other live human beings and are more commonly referred to as cannibals (and this is not the Dictionary of Cannibal Survival that book will be available soon). The only zombies being dealt with in these pages are those that have been previously human, became infected, died and reanimated again.

There are various ways in which a human can become a zombie (see Classification) but we do know one thing for sure. If you are bitten by a zombie you will die and rise again as a zombie yourself. Zombies attack with their mouths and this has given rise to the misconception that they are trying to eat you. As the zombies digestive system is no longer operational it is highly unlikely that this is the case. The instinct to bite is merely the viruss way of spreading and increasing the zombie masses.

A zombies Achilles heel is not its heel but its brain and the only way to destroy a zombie is to destroy its brain. As all other bodily functions and systems shut down on death, the only thing that keeps the zombie going is its brain. This means that zombies are impervious to pain so will keep coming until you achieve a head shot (the reason you go for a head shot is that the brain is kept in the head thats the round thing on your neck with hair on top and a face on the front). This is why your choice of weapon is important but more of that later.

There is no cure for a zombie infection. Once you are bitten, you become a zombie. So stop thinking there is a cure because there isnt. Even if there is its important that you think there isnt. Because thinking theres a cure will give you hope, and hope will make you weak, and weakness will make you lose, and losing mean you die, and dying means you rise, and rising means you become a zombie for which there is no cure. So stop thinking theres a cure because that will give you hope and hope will make you weak and You get the message.

Those are the basics of zombies and that is all you need to know so far. Dont worry about why the dead have started to rise or indeed how the dead have started to rise. Once they rise it does become somewhat of a moot point. Your only concern once the apocalypse begins is to survive not to question the whole affair.

Remember, the zombies wont be bothered why it happened theyll just be focused on biting you. You need to focus too. On living.

Let us continue

In African folklore the aardvark is much admired because of its diligent quest for food and its fearless response to the strong, warlike soldier ant. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, we should all take a lesson from the humble aardvark in order to survive, using the analogy that you are an aardvark and the undead hordes are a swarm of warrior ants. Do not take this analogy too far though, as zombies cannot be killed with Nippon.

African Hausa magicians make charms from the heart, skin, forehead and nails of the aardvark, which are then pounded together with the root of a certain tree. Wrapped in a piece of skin and worn on the chest, the charm is said to give the owner the ability to pass through walls or roofs at night.

Should you happen to come across an aardvark during the apocalypse and wish to try this technique, we recommend getting a friend you are not terribly fond of to attempt it first as we cannot guarantee the success of the charm having never used it ourselves. A better use for an aardvark, given its average weight of 80150 lb and length of up to 7 feet, is to freeze it solid and use it as a bludgeoning weapon.