Jehan Casinader - This Is Not How It Ends

Contents

To my best friend, Tommy Livingston,

for holding a torch while the road was dark.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Zora Neale Hurston

CONTENTS

Im thinking about you right now, and I have so many questions. Who are you, I wonder? Whats on your face? Is it curiosity, frustration, pain or hope? I want to know: Where did you get this book? Maybe you discovered it in a library, or a garage, or the bargain bin at your local bookstore. Maybe some do-gooder gave it to you, hoping itll fix you.

No matter how the book came into your hands, Im pleased it did. Before you read on, there are a few things I should mention. Im not a doctor. Im not a counsellor. Im not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or a psychotherapist (or a psychic). I cant prescribe anything stronger than a well-brewed cup of Ceylon tea.

But there are two things I am qualified in. Firstly, Im an expert on living at the bottom of a very deep hole. Im a survivor of depression. I dont mean feeling blue or being down in the dumps. Im talking about intense, unrelenting, suicidal depression four whole years of it. Secondly, I know a few things about storytelling. As a journalist for TVNZ, I have made a living for 12 years by telling stories about real people. Ive encountered the very best innovators, scientists, athletes and artists and the very worst killers, abusers, fraudsters and neo-Nazis. (Oh, and The Jonas Brothers. Ill let you decide which category to put them in.) Being a journalist has allowed me to document the most extraordinary moments in these peoples lives.

But the stories that really hook me the ones that matter most are about ordinary people who have been pushed to their limits. From the start of my career, I was drawn to stories about tragedy, pain and loss. As a fresh-faced young reporter, I was fascinated by people who had survived huge challenges. But I was a detached observer. At the end of each shoot, once the lights were packed away, I would get in the car with the camera operator and drive home thinking, Im so glad that will never be me. However, at the age of 26, my own life began to spin out of control.

At first, depression came as a trickle. Then a torrent. Then a flood. It seeped into every corner of my life and destroyed many of the things that were important to me. I tried every mental health tool I could find, from meditation to medication. Most of those efforts made very little difference to my state of mind. After a couple of years, there seemed to be only one simple, appealing option left: taking my own life. I knew how much pain it would cause my friends and family, but I also believed an illness had colonised my brain. Just like a cancer patient, I was sick. I could fight back, but if my depression killed me, I couldnt possibly be held responsible.

Like many people who experience mental distress, I tried to hide the fact that I was struggling. I was ashamed that I couldnt sort myself out and worried that my depression would jeopardise my career. For a long time, I kept it a secret from almost everyone including my colleagues at TVNZ. I put on a brave face and did my job to the best of my ability. Whether I was interviewing the prime minister or reporting from the scene of the Christchurch terror attack, I was determined to push through. Eventually, my suicidal thoughts became overwhelming, and every day I spent most of my energy trying to keep those thoughts under control. I knew that this couldnt last.

As I hurtled towards oblivion, I realised there was one thing I hadnt tried: storytelling. As a reporter, I had met hundreds of people who had overcome adversity. I interviewed Daniel Rockhouse, the hero of the Pike River Mine disaster, and Karina Andrews, the sexual abuse survivor who sent her dad to jail. And who could forget Liam Malone, the guy who lost both legs but turned himself into a blade-running Paralympian? Each of these people chose to rewrite their life stories. They created new narratives that explained who they were, where they had come from and where they were going. These narratives helped them to recover from mental distress.

I began to wonder: Could I do the same? Rather than trying to fix or cure my depression, what if I changed the story that I had wrapped around it? I embarked on an experiment to do just that. I reclaimed my life story. I rewrote my past. I reinvented my character. I reshaped my plot. And I released control of my ending. In the chapters ahead, Ill walk you through each of these five steps. Ill introduce you to the incredible people I met along the way. And Ill help you to explore your own life story. By the end of this book, I hope you will have the tools to be a better author of your story and a better character in it. At the back, on , theres a handy guide to help you with that process.

*

New Zealand is facing a mental health crisis, and we have spent more than a decade trying to address it. Kiwis have become much better at talking about our problems and asking for help. We have begun to reduce the shame and stigma around conditions like depression and anxiety. More money has been pumped into our public health system. And yet, in the year to 30 June 2019, there were 685 people who took their own lives in New Zealand the highest number on record, and almost double the road toll. Our suicide rates for men and teenagers are among the worst in the world. Its clear that some of our strategies to tackle this crisis are just not working for enough people.

Clinical diagnoses such as depression can be really helpful. But they can also act as blunt labels that dont reveal the true causes of our distress, and dont provide many clues about how to get well. We all experience distress in unique ways, and theres no one-size-fits-all model for treatment. We need to be bold, and try new tools that can help us to overcome suffering and, if necessary, learn how to live with it. One of those tools is storytelling. This book is not a silver bullet, and it cant replace the advice of a mental health professional. But I hope I can give you a new framework for thinking about mental distress.

Parts of the book are pretty raw. You will meet people whose stories feature confronting themes, including suicidality, sexual violence and childhood abuse. While youre reading, please remember that all of these people made it through. They survived. They are telling their stories from a place of strength and health. However, this material may be triggering for you. It may bring back memories from your past, or highlight the challenges you are facing right now. If so, I strongly encourage you to share your thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend, family member or professional. I have included a list of free support services at the end of this note, on .

I have no idea where you are in your journey. You may be experiencing depression or anxiety. You may have had suicidal thoughts and bravely fought them for months, years, even decades. If so, youre not alone. I hope you can take courage from the following pages. Im also aware that some readers may not have been through any form of mental distress. Perhaps youre supporting a loved one who is going through a tough time. Make no mistake, this book is for you too. Everyone has a story that matters.

Before we begin, a word on empathy. It means to step into someone elses shoes. Youre not walking in their shoes as you. Youre walking in their shoes as them. I challenge you to disengage your brain and engage your heart. You may disagree with parts of this book, and some of my ideas may not reflect your own life experience. Thats okay. But, as I share my story, I encourage you to scrutinise your own. Doing so can feel vulnerable and scary, but I guarantee that youll be surprised by what you discover. If this book sheds a little light in a dark corner, please count that as a win. And, if it seems like Im jumping around a bit, please forgive me. Life rarely unfolds in a perfect way, and nor does this book. (The events are not all written in the order in which they occurred.) I hope youll stay with me until the last chapter.