Paul Meier - Crazymakers

CRAZY

MAKERS

Getting Along with the
Difficult People in Your Life

PAUL MEIER, M.D.
ROBERT L . WISE, PH.D.

Copyright 2003 by Paul Meier and Robert Wise

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Personal names and details of their stories have been changed to protect their identities.

All Scripture quotations are from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION unless otherwise designated. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scriptures marked KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEWINTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE , Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

ISBN 0-7852-6295-4

Printed in the United States of America
1 2 3 4 5 6 07 06 05 04 03

Contents

Getting the Crazy Out:
Six Steps out of Your Crisis

Beyond Crazy:
The Gift of Spiritual Endurance

CRAZY MAKING
EVERYWHERE!

Living with insensitive, tactless, careless,
inattentive, difficult, self-absorbed,
neglectful, damaging, condemning, harsh,
hard, treacherous, deceiving, prejudiced,
and paralyzing people

Meet the Enemy

This book is personal, very personal.

If youve ever felt caught between the wall and a human pile driver, beating you into emotional oblivion, you have learned how personal an emotional attack can be. In addition to the embarrassment and confusion, you also discovered how those crazy moments leave you wrung out and perplexed.

One of the most painful surprises in the aftermath is the discovery that someone you thought was your friend was actually a battering ram. Often we dont develop this insight until the conflict is over and weve been hurt by someone we care about, someone we thought cared about us. When the adversary turns out to be a colleague, supervisor, friend, ormost difficultyour spouse, you will need help and insight to know how to handle the complex issues staring you in the face.

In the last decade our entire society has taken a hard look at physical abuse. New laws have been enacted, and the word has gone out that we wont tolerate people getting hurt bodily. Now the time is approaching when we must look more firmly at verbal abuse. What can you do about a person who attacks you with barbed words? Youre familiar with the childhood retort, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. But the truth is that namesand other hurtful wordscan break our hearts and inflict pain to our most precious feelings. Our adversaries seem to have a unique ability to find the exact words that cut to the bone and leave us bleeding in the street.

In the following pages we are going to help you find new ways to confront and handle the difficult people who consistently drive you toward the edge of sanity. We will offer new possibilities for handling difficult situations. And well give examples of people who have struggled with difficult people. Lets start with Jack.

Jack Smith was the beloved, successful pastor of a church in Dallas, Texas, but his problems at home reduced him to wanting to hide under a rock. When the arguments with his wife heated up, he could feel the anger bubbling up in his throat, but he couldnt turn the emotion into constructive action. Jack had ridden down the same hard, bumpy road with his wife a hundred times, and every trip was always the same. No matter what the problem, Ann started shouting, and then her voice escalated into screaming. Jack inevitably ended up backtracking, and their problems never got solved. Their current argument was no different.

Ive told you a million times to lock the door when you go to work. Do you realize how difficult it is to live with you? Anns eyes narrowed and became increasingly hard. You have the brain power of a bird. Why cant you simply listen to me?

Jack took a deep breath. Last night we discussed the plan that I would leave the back door unlocked when I left this morning so you wouldnt have to worry about finding a key when you came back from jogging. He bit the side of his mouth and paused for a moment. The trouble is you forgot to set the lock after you returned. Then you went to work and left the house open all day. Jack threw up his hands. Look. Lets not make a mountain out of a molehill. Everyone makes mistakes. Lets simply agree about what we will do from now on.

You idiot! Ann hissed. You always blame your mistakes on me! Im always the one to discredit. Theres no point in even talking to you. She started poking at him with her index finger, jabbing like a sword. You wont accept any responsibility for your mistakes. Well, Im not going to take it any longer!

Look, Ann. I left the back door unlocked for you. My concern is leaving the house open all day when someone could walk in and steal our stuff. Youre flying off the handle because I mentioned a mistake you made.

I made? Youre the one whos responsible for locking the house, Ann charged as her face flushed pink and her lower lip trembled. All you do is push me. Ann slammed a book on the table so hard the lamp shook.

The pastors anger turned into fear of what Ann might do next. A number of times she had broken furniture and occasionally slapped him. By this point in their marriage, she could shift from being piqued to uncontrollable in a flash. Jack hated these violent confrontations; he knew they had to stop, but he had no idea how to reverse the uproar. The best Jack could do was attempt to walk softly around Ann.

Ann, Jack said firmly, you are upset because the house was left unlocked all day; but nothing happened. No one stole anything. The trouble is, we cant even talk about an issue without a storm erupting. Thats why Im asking you to go to counseling with me.

You worm! Ann shrieked. Youre always looking for somebody who will join your side of the fight. Youve probably got some old buddy-buddy, religious counselor in your hip pocket. Doubling her fist and shaking it in Jacks face, Ann blasted away. Go by yourself, jerk! Youre the one who needs help.

Come on, Ann. The problem is that a door was left unlocked.

No, Ann insisted, the problem is youre a spiritually insensitive person. You have the religious commitment of a heathen. When I listen to you rail at me, Im not even sure you are a Christian. She stormed out of the room and turned the corner to go upstairs.

Jack heard Ann stomping up to their bedroom. He looked down and discovered his hands shaking slightly. Once again a simple problem of miscommunication had erupted into a world war. Jack kept thinking that if he could explain issues better to Ann, their problems could be fixed before people at the church knew about them.