Alice Greczyn - Wayward

Praise for

Wayward

Alice Greczyns carefully detailed account of religious fundamentalism is a necessary addition to the literature surrounding spiritual abuse. As she charts her transition from a harmful framework to a more loving one, Greczyn honors the survivors of such trauma and provides a pathway for others to follow. I saw myself in many of these pages, and Im grateful to see her continuing the important work of offering a safe space for those who have crossed the borders of faith and doubt.

Garrard Conley, author of the New York Times best-selling memoir Boy Erased

By turns soberly reflective and laugh-out-loud funny, Alice Greczyns Wayward provides a refreshingly honest look at the psychologically abusive nature of evangelicalism in crisp, engaging prose. Greczyn writes with admirable self-awareness, and her memories of discomfort with the things evangelical ideology and leaders demanded of her, such as apologizing to all the boys on her Youth With a Mission team for accidentally flirting and tempting them, are deeply relatable to me as a survivor of the same toxic, purity-obsessed, authoritarian Christianity. Episodes like this may be shocking to readers unfamiliar with evangelical subculture. If so, I hope they will take what they learn and demand that the American public sphere at long last take the voices of ex-evangelicals and other former fundamentalists seriously.

Chrissy Stroop, PhD, co-editor of the award-winning anthology Empty the Pews

In secular circles, much of our discourse tends to be cerebral, promoting arguments for reason and rationality. In Wayward, Alice Greczyn brings another invaluable element to the conversation: the art of telling a deeply human story. As Alice draws you into her life and her world, you will smile, you will cry, and you will be riveted by her intelligence, her insight, and her courage. And if you are young and struggling with issues of faith, belief, and identity, you will know that you are not alone. Wayward isnt just a book you read. It is a book you feelwith every beautifully written page. A truly towering achievement.

Ali A. Rizvi, author of The Atheist Muslim: A Journey from Religion to Reason

Alice Greczyns stirring memoir Wayward vividly illustrates the experience of growing up in the frenzied fold of Charismatic Christianity. From her childhood in the rural plains of the Midwest, where a life ruled by God was all she knew, to the red carpets of Hollywood, where she found herself calling into question everything she once believed to be true, Greczyn shares her story with brave vulnerability. Her journey will become required reading for those seeking to heal from religious trauma, recover a sense of purpose, and rebuild a life worth living.

Jessica Wilbanks, author of When I Spoke in Tongues: A Story of Faith and Its Loss

Wayward is a deeply compelling coming-of-age story about a young woman groomed to passively follow mens directions (directions they swear God gave to them for her) as she journeys from faith in a patriarchal religion to doubt, and from doubt in herself to faith.

Linda Kay Klein, author of Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free

Religions may disagree on a lot, but one thing they agree on is how essential it is that a woman remain pure and chaste until its time to be subservient to her husband. In Alice Greczyns beautifully written memoir, she describes how dehumanizing it is to be viewed asand to view ourselves asan object precariously perched atop a pedestal of purity. Alices story of how, with the help of a jar of cinnamon, she stood up and walked her own path is both heartbreaking and inspiring. Im sure her brave example will console others who dare to doubt.

Yasmine Mohammed, author of Unveiled: How Western Liberals Empower Radical Islam

Alice Greczyns vivid memoir is a personal and engaging story of one womans struggle to escape and heal from the Christianity of her youth, while at the same time providing intelligent insights into the scientific analysis of her experience. I was moved by her description of intense efforts as a child to have charismatic experiences and then impressed by her grasp of the neuropsychology involved.

Marlene Winell, PhD, psychologist, and author of Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalistsand Others Leaving Their Religion

This book is a memoir reflecting the authors present recollections of experiences over time. Its story and its words are the authors alone. Some details and characteristics may be changed, some events may be compressed, and some dialogue may be recreated.

Published by River Grove Books

Austin, TX

www.rivergrovebooks.com

Copyright 2021 Alice Greczyn

All rights reserved.

Thank you for purchasing an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright law. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the copyright holder.

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Cover design by Greenleaf Book Group

Cover Images from The National Agricultural Library, The Beinecke Rare Book &
Manuscript Library, Biodiversity Heritage Library courtesy of The Public Domain Review

Publishers Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

Print ISBN: 978-1-63299-354-0

eBook ISBN: 978-1-63299-355-7

First Edition

To anyone who has ever dared to doubt their belief system, this book is for you.

Contents

Authors Note

T he tricky thing about memory is that it is subjective, malleable. Some neuroscientists used to suspect that once a memory is constructed, it isnt easily changed. Newer data reveals the opposite: that our memories change as we need them to, as others influence them, and even as they are formed. Stress and trauma can distort how our brains record and store memory. This makes the writing of a memoir a brave and foolish undertaking; a work of art as raw and authentic as it is fallible and fragmentary.

Memoir rides the line between fact and fiction, account and story, autobiography and revealing tale. A memoir is one persons narrative of what happened. As most people can attest, individuals sharing the same experience can come away with extraordinarily different understandings. Ive done my best to stay as true to verifiable facts as I can. Journal entries, letters, and internet searches affirm much of what I retained and share in the following pages. Non-verifiable impressions, including the recreation of dialogue and the perceived emotions of characters, are subjective truths. They are my truths, forged under my perceptions, as everyones memories are. Certain names and identifying details have been changed to protect others privacy. Everything else is my sincerest recollection.

Prologue

I banged my head against the concrete wall. My panic subsided with every dull thud, replaced by a numbness that felt like mercy. Thud. Thud. The back of my scalp was bleeding a little, but I knew my hair would cover it. That was why I didnt cut myself. I was a TV and film actress, and I never knew when a job might require me to be in a swimsuit. The knives in my kitchen tempted me, just as my parents knives had tempted me to slit my wrists when I was thirteen, but the thickness of my dark hair covered my self-inflicted wounds less conspicuously than bandages. I touched the back of my head with my fingertips. Blood was a comforting reminder of my mortality.