Daniel Howell - You Will Get Through This Night

Ive written this book for myself, the younger Dan

that I wish could have read these pages. I hope this

book can do the same for anyone who needs it.

Thank you to the friends and followers in my life

that have given me patience and kindness.

I am here because of you.

Theres a moment at the end of every day, where the world falls away and you are left alone with your thoughts. A reckoning. When the things you have been pushing to the background come forward and demand your attention.

Mental health is something we all have. Whether you know youre going through a tough time, or feel like you are fine its always there, invisible, but influencing what you feel, how you react. Sometimes it can feel like a fog youre powerless to navigate through, but thats not true. You can be your own light.

Its not something to be cured, there isnt one solution, but if we understand our minds, we can communicate with our consciousness and put ourselves back in control so we can really live. So the next day you know what steps to take to make a change, and you can look after yourself the days after that. Were on this journey for a long time and we owe it to ourselves to not just survive, but thrive. I can do it and so can you.

You will get through this night.

KEEP SAFE

If youre ever at a point of serious crisis and feel like you cant keep yourself safe, its important to connect with someone who can help you.

• Consider connecting with a friend, relative, or someone else who you trust. Even if you dont feel like talking, just being with them can be enough to keep you from harm.
• Call a crisis helpline. No matter where you are or whats happening in your life, you can connect anonymously with trained professionals who are ready to listen, in total confidence that means no judgement.
• Go to a place of safety. This might be a hospital, police station, spiritual place, or somewhere else you feel secure.

This book tackles many topics related to mental health that some readers may, at times, find uncomfortable or upsetting as we discuss how to overcome these struggles. If you dont want to read about a particular issue, you can always skip that part, put it down, or come back when you are ready. It may be difficult, but we will talk about these things to better understand them and learn how to manage ourselves to be healthier and happier.

Hello, Im Dan. I might like to think of myself as tall, dark and mysterious the truth is that whilst I am long, Im definitely a nerd, an introvert and one of those people that spends too much time on the internet. I do only wear black though. Im still trying to work out the psychological significance of my light-absorbing choice of clothing, but theres other stuff for me to work on first.

As an annoying child who screamed look at me before doing an underwhelming backflip into a pool, naturally I wanted to become an entertainer. A professional storyteller, whatever that is. Someone that can make other people laugh and maybe make a change or at the very least have an excuse to go on a rant about something, inspired by righteous fury. Im one of those quite sarcastic, cynical ones with a tough shell, which I always chalked up to being British, with that small and stiff upper-lip. When I was eighteen, I started posting comedy videos online to amuse myself, then people started watching them. As this accidental freight train picked up speed, with more viewers and followers coming with every rotation, I found myself (often with my friend and partner-in-crime Phil Lester) hosting a show on BBC radio, writing books, performing in theatres and standing in front of seas of people at festivals. Always self-deprecating, shamelessly sharing my worst moments for others entertainment, (definitely to a fault and extent that sometimes elicits a laugh followed by a concerned look) you can obviously learn a lot about my mental health from my sense of humour, but really I just want to make people happy. Other people.

Id always been seen on a stage or a screen with a smile on my face. To everyone in my life I may have appeared fine and thriving, but under the surface I was struggling. It was easy to forget, as I tumbled forward through life, to pay attention to how I felt. I try not to think of all the time Ive spent indulging in the bleakest impulses of my brain and accepting my most negative thoughts without question. I found myself wading aimlessly through a dense fog of stress, panic and low energy, which eventually sent me sliding down into a black hole that I couldnt climb out of.

I came to learn that I wasnt looking after my mental health, and in reality I was stressed, anxious and severely depressed. I went on a journey to find help, to learn about myself and my mind, and I discovered that life didnt have to be this way.

There were times in my life that seemed so dark and inescapable that I thought I had no choice but to give up entirely to escape them. The truth is that there was so much I could have done to lift myself up and out. I just didnt understand mental health, or know how to help myself. Now, I feel like I do.

From a young age, I experienced a lot of conflict, both in and outside the home. Its easy to look at two large humans shouting at each other with flailing limbs and think ah yes, I, the tiny child who only understands basic shapes and how to scatter Lego on the floor for people to stand on must have caused this. The emotions I witnessed were volatile and inconsistent. I didnt understand it, or why it was happening, so I assumed it was my fault. This led to me concluding, quite early, that this is simply how life is. So when I encountered hostility amongst the other hyperactive and impressionable children in a class, I simply accepted it and didnt push back. I had no reason to question it or that I should feel otherwise. I never really learned the concept of asking for help, or sharing feelings, so I unknowingly suffered in silence. And so, years of my life went by, unquestioning, feeling perpetually scared and hypervigilant, with a deep sinking feeling that I was ultimately unliked and a burden. This deep feeling became familiar to me. It became my normal.

As life started to get more complicated and hormonal the whirlwind of conflict escalated both internally and externally. Basically, Im gay. Teen-Dan didnt have a great time with that. It was an unsurprisingly grey and generic world growing up in Winnersh a glamorous series of housing estates built next to a motorway in the south of England. Gay at that time was a synonym for bad. I realised I must be bad. I felt bad. This general g-word that existed throughout the world: TV, music, the school yard meant anything from boring to awful, and I internalised that definition of who I was under the surface. Trying to survive the Battle Royale post-apocalypse hellscape of an all-boys school, in a society that was broadly homophobic, drilled into me that I was essentially defective. I felt guilty for being bad, so could not turn to anyone to talk about how I felt about this shameful part of myself. Without getting into too much traumatic detail, it was pretty terrible. Constantly outcast, tired of the constant physical and verbal abuse I suffered everywhere I turned, every day, feeling like I was fundamentally flawed and there was no escape in sight I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully, it failed.

It turns out life can be slow, but its long, and change is inevitable. I did not stay trapped in that environment, I did meet new people and, thankfully, the world did change, if only a little bit. To think that my story could have ended because I thought I had seen everything that was left for me in life? I was wrong. I am grateful to be alive.