Alice von Hildebrand - By Love Refined

By Love Refined

Letters to a Young Bride

Alice von Hildebrand

SOPHIA INSTITUTE PRESS
Manchester, New Hampshire

Copyright 1989 Alice von Hildebrand

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved

Jacket design by Joan Barger

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Sophia Institute Press
Box 5284, Manchester, NH 03108
1-800-888-9344
www.SophiaInstitute.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Von Hildebrand, Alice, 1923
By love refined : letters to a young bride / by Alice von Hildebrand.ISBN 0-918477-06-9 (hdbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN 0-918477-51-4 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Marriage. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.HQ734.V66 1989
306.81 dc1988-34640 CIP00 01 02 03 04 05 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

Books from Sophia Institute Press by Dietrich von Hildebrand:

Confidence in God

Humility: Wellspring of Virtue

Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love

Making Christs Peace a Part of Your Life

Trojan Horse in the City of God

Transformation in Christ

For my friends
Maedel Hutton
and
Nick & Jane Healy
with gratitude.

Where heart-room is,
there house-room is always to be found.
Sren Kierkegaard

Love is a great thing!

Dear Julie,

A t last, your deep longing is fulfilled: to love a man, to be loved by him, and to be freely bound to him in marriage until death do you part.

Now your great mission begins. Together, you and Michael must weave into the tapestry of your life the many themes we discussed during your engagement: the beauty of marriage its tasks, its joys and loves power to lighten its burdens and sorrows.

I know how deeply youve understood the words of Thomas Kempis, Love is a great thing. Marriage is also a great thing: the most complete, the most intense, and the most beautiful relationship possible between two human beings.

But like all great things in life, marriage is a risk a deed of daring (as Kierkegaard said). Thats why a happy marriage is impossible for people who never take any step that might threaten their security. You and Michael now have in your hands the power to create an earthly heaven or hell. Its no secret that marriage can quickly become a hell for spouses. But remember that humanly speaking, a great love between husband and wife can also be the deepest source of happiness this side of heaven.

How awe-inspiring to see the beauty of another soul, to love him, and then to be permitted to share in his intimacy, actually to become one with him! Theres no earthly experience that is greater than this unity of souls, minds, hearts, and bodies in marriage, which is why my husband always called it a remnant of earthly paradise.

Such sublime spousal love is a gift, but a gift that must be nurtured and sheltered. Because of human imperfections, difficulties crop up in marriage, even between people (like you and Michael) who love each other deeply. I think youll soon find that for this reason, although love is a gift, it must also be learned, especially as you try to relate it to your daily life which isnt lived in a fairy tale castle but in the midst of everyday pressures, problems, and trials.

No outsider or institution can guarantee that you and Michael will achieve joy in your marriage. Youll have to face the problems of marriage yourselves. Your success wont depend on exterior circumstances, but on your own inner attitudes: are you both willing to fight the good fight for your marriage, trusting that your mutual love, strengthened by grace, will achieve victory in spite of the tempests that threaten every human undertaking?

I know that youve already begun to experience the hopes and delights of marriage, and that youll continue to do so in the coming months. My heart is filled with joy for you!

Your devoted friend,

Lily

Setting up house takes so much work!

Dear Julie,

W hat a contrast between the enchantment of your wedding, the delight of your honeymoon, and the many chores you now face in setting up a household and running it smoothly on a limited budget. Im glad to see that youve carried into these tasks the joy of being in love, which lightens every burden.

Although it will be more difficult now by letter instead of in person, Ill try to continue to share with you insights from my own marriage and from hundreds of my married friends and students whove confided in me over the years.

Weve traveled this road already, and perhaps our experiences can help you and Michael avoid some of our mistakes, as you undertake your immediate task of setting up a home together.

This is especially difficult, since home must be so much more than just a place to eat and sleep. It should be that mysterious enclosure in which your two lives can take root, a place where you both are sheltered, protected, far away from the hustle and bustle of professional life. It should become the place where you can rest spiritually and can dare to be yourselves because you know youre loved.

Each of you now has a calling to create this spiritual space in which your two lives can blossom. This is very different from earning a salary, fixing the car, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes.

Your own mission as wife goes far beyond household chores which could be done just as well by hired help. You must create a nest of love, a place where its good to be.

What a world of difference there is between doing menial tasks to make money and to pay bills, and doing them because you rejoice in creating a home for your beloved Michael, the person closest to you on earth!

Seen from the outside, the stained-glass windows in a church look dull and dark; but when you enter the church and can see the same windows illumined by the rays of the sun, you discover their incredible beauty.

The light of the sun can transform stained-glass windows into magnificent works of art. Likewise, you can let your love for Michael transform the small, boring tasks of everyday life into magnificent works of love. With all my affection,

Lily

Lovers cant be concerned with little things.

Dear Julie,

I m grateful for your frankness. It makes my duties as your godmother easier to fulfill. You say that although the analogy of the stained-glass windows is very moving, nonetheless true lovers are concerned with great things, beautiful things and should not let themselves be troubled by small things.

Roy wouldnt agree.

He and my friend Evelyn have been married thirty-five years. Shes sloppy and hes meticulous. During their honeymoon, Roy noticed that she always left the toothpaste tube open. He asked Evelyn to put the cap on, but she laughed at him, claiming he had the habits of an old maid. Time and again, Roy has asked her to change. Nothing doing! After thirty-five years, the cap still remains off and Roy has resigned himself to it.

Compare this to my own husbands attitude. Early in our marriage, I noticed he would always leave the soap swimming in a small pool of water. It would slowly disintegrate into an unattractive, slimy goo something I found unappealing. I drew it to his attention. From that day on, he made a point of drying the soap after each use to such an extent that I couldnt tell from the soap testimony whether he had washed himself or not. (Moreover and this is typical of him he too developed a strong dislike for sticky soap.) I was so moved by this, that to this day I feel a wave of loving gratitude for this small but significant gesture of love.

My husband was a great lover. And because he was one, he managed to relate the smallest things to love and was willing to change to please his beloved in all legitimate things. This characteristic is typical of great love.

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