Jessica Murnane - Know Your Endo: An Empowering Guide to Health and Hope with Endometriosis

At the beginning of this year, I had a Celebrate Your Wins party at my house. If youve never heard of a Celebrate Your Wins party before, that makes sense, because I made it up. So, let me explain a little. I invited my nearest and dearest (and some people I wanted to get to know better) over to my house for a big potluck to celebrate us. A lot of my friends had some rough times the previous year, and I thought we could use a party to focus on all the good stuff, too. So, when each guest came through the door, I handed them some sticky notes and a big fat marker and told them they had to write something they accomplished that they were proud of (a.k.a. their win).

Im not sure if youve ever tried this exercise beforeto actually sit down and say why youre awesome and celebrate an accomplishment, without being allowed to follow it up with an apology for bragging or a but its not really that big of a deal!but its not always an easy thing to do. Some of my friends eyes got really wide when I handed them their sticky notes, like I had asked them to do something unimaginable. Others said they needed a drink first to get some courage to do it. And a few confidently grabbed the pad, sat down, and then gave me a Help! look from across the room. Eventually everyone wrote something down, and I took all the wins and stuck them on the wall together. Throughout the night, Id stop the music and yell out a handful of wins from the wall, and we all cheered as loud as we could for that persons win.

In case youre nosey (like me) and wondering what some of the sticky notes said, heres a sampling: I stood up for myself, I decided to go to culinary school, I showed up for my dad, Had my best year in my business!, Woke up every day and tried again, and Ive flossed my teeth every day for three months. As the party was winding down, my friend and I stood in front of the wall with all the wins, smiling and taking them all in. She asked me, Which one is yours? I pointed to the one that read, Im writing my dream book. She looked at me a little surprised and told me that she knew I was writing another book but that Id never mentioned anything about it being my dream. I grinned really big and told her it was a huge dream come true for me and ended it there. That night, I didnt really feel like sharing more. Maybe because I wasnt sure if shed totally get it, or maybe because I knew Id get emotional and didnt think a crying host at such a positive party was a good look.

But I do want to share why its my dream with you. Maybe because I know that youll get it, and maybe because the emotions are already flowing (Ive cried more happy and sad tears than I can count while writing and researching this book). But yes, writing this book is my dream. And Im not going to apologize for bragging or downplay it by saying that its not a big deal. Because it is a big deal.

A decade ago, my life didnt feel worth living anymore because of my endometriosis. Its such a complicated feeling to explain, because it wasnt that I wanted to die, but I really didnt want to live the current life I had, either. During the most painful weeks, I would obsessively fantasize about being in a sleep coma. In this coma, my body and mind would shut down and Id fall into the deepest and most peaceful sleep of all time. My body would finally wake up when it didnt hurt anymore. I remember thinking that this deep sleep would mean Id miss birthdays, weddings, big life events, and maybe even years of my life. But it would all be worth it to not feel my pain and sadness anymore and to no longer be a burden to the people who cared for me. I rationally knew this hibernation-like state wasnt a real possibility, but looking back, I think fantasizing about it gave my brain an alternate solution to the dark one lingering below the surfacethe thought of not wanting to be alive at all. It was so hard to fathom that I would be in pain every single month, year after yearthat I just wasnt sure this was a life worth living.