Thanissaro Bhikkhu - Head & Heart Together

Many people have read earlier versions of these essays and have kindly offered suggestions for improvements. In particular, I would like to thank the monks here at the monastery, as well as Michael Zoll, Jane Yudelman, Barbara Wright, Margueritte White, Ginger Vathanasombat, Donna Todd, Mary Talbot, Donald Swearer, Dale Schultz, Larry Rosenberg, Xiaoquan Osgood, Nathaniel Osgood, Joan Oliver, Andrew Olendski, Bok-Lim Kim, Alexandra Kaloyanides, Jeff Hardin, Gil Fronsdal, Inez Freedman, John Bullitt, and Michael Barber. Any mistakes that remain, of course, are my own responsibility.

Some of these essays, in earlier incarnations, have appeared in Tricycle, Shambhala Sun, The Sati Center Journal, Mandala, Insight Journal, and Buddhadharma. I would like to thank the editors of these journals for their help in making the writing clearer and more coherent. The fact that the essays were originally intended for different audiences explains the overlap that occasionally occurs among them, as well as the inconsistent use of Sanskrit and Pli terms: dharma, karma, and nirva in some essays; dhamma, kamma, and nibbna in others. I hope that this poses no difficulties.

These and other essays on Buddhist practice are available on the Internet at www.accesstoinsight.org and www.dhammatalks.org.

hnissaro Bhikkhu

(Geoffrey DeGraff)

Metta Forest Monastery

Valley Center, CA 92082-1409

December, 2010

These two people are hard to find in the world. Which two? The one who is first to do a kindness, and the one who is grateful and thankful for a kindness done. AN 2:118

In saying that kind and grateful people are rare, the Buddha isnt simply stating a harsh truth about the human race. Hes advising you to treasure these people when you find them, andmore importantlyshowing how you can become a rare person yourself.

Kindness and gratitude are virtues you can cultivate, but they have to be cultivated together. Each needs the other to be genuinea point that becomes obvious when you think about the three things most likely to make gratitude heartfelt:

1) Youve actually benefited from another persons actions.

2) You trust the motives behind those actions.

3) You sense that the other person had to go out of his or her way to provide that benefit.

Points one and two are lessons that gratitude teaches kindness: If you want to be genuinely kind, you have to be of actual benefitnobody wants to be the recipient of help that isnt really helpfuland you have to provide that benefit in a way that shows respect and empathy for the other persons needs. No one likes to receive a gift given with calculating motives, or in an offhand or disdainful way.

Points two and three are lessons that kindness teaches to gratitude. Only if youve been kind to another person will you accept the idea that others can be kind to you. At the same time, if youve been kind to another person, you know the effort involved. Kind impulses often have to do battle with unkind impulses in the heart, so its not always easy to be helpful. Sometimes it involves great sacrificea sacrifice possible only when you trust the recipient to make good use of your help. So when youre on the receiving end of a sacrifice like that, you realize youve incurred a debt, an obligation to repay the other persons trust.

This is why the Buddha always discusses gratitude as a response to kindness, and doesnt equate it with appreciation in general. Its a special kind of appreciation, inspiring a more demanding response. The difference here is best illustrated by two passages in which the Buddha uses the image of carrying.

The first passage concerns appreciation of a general sort:

Then the man, having gathered grass, twigs, branches, & leaves, having bound them together to make a raft, would cross over to safety on the far shore in dependence on the raft, making an effort with his hands & feet. Having crossed over to the far shore, he might think, How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my hands & feet, I have crossed over to safety on the far shore. Why dont I, having hoisted it on my head or carrying on my back, go wherever I like? What do you think, monks? Would the man, in doing that, be doing what should be done with the raft?

No, lord.

And what should the man do in order to be doing what should be done with the raft? There is the case where the man, having crossed over to the far shore, would think, How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my hands & feet, I have crossed over to safety on the far shore. Why dont I, having dragged it on dry land or sinking it in the water, go wherever I like? In doing this, he would be doing what should be done with the raft. MN 22

The second passage concerns gratitude in particular:

I tell you, monks, there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Your mother & father. Even if you were to carry your mother on one shoulder & your father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, & rubbing their limbs, and they were to defecate & urinate right there [on your shoulders], you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. If you were to establish your mother & father in absolute sovereignty over this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. Why is that? Mother & father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world.

But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays ones mother & father. AN 2:32

In other words, as the first passage shows, its perfectly fine to appreciate the benefits youve received from rafts and other conveniences without feeling any need to repay them. You take care of them simply because that enables you to benefit from them more. The same holds true for difficult people and situations that have forced you to develop strength of character. You can appreciate that youve learned persistence from dealing with crabgrass in your lawn, or equanimity from dealing with unreasonable neighbors, without owing the crabgrass or neighbors any debt of gratitude. After all, they didnt kindly go out of their way to help you. And if you were to take them as models, youd learn all the wrong lessons about kindness: that simply following your natural impulsesor, even worse, behaving unreasonablyis the way to be kind.