Leah McSweeney - Chaos Theory: Finding Meaning in the Madness, One Bad Decision at a Time

You may think my life looks like chaos. Im not a rule follower, and to some people that looks like Im being messy. Ive always seen the world a little differently than those around me. Since the time I was a kidwhether I was walking the streets of our Chelsea neighborhood or studying at my posh private school uptownI had a different take on what I observed. Sometimes that perspective has been the most powerful tool at my disposal, and sometimes its been my downfall. And while I try to follow those instincts, I also need to try things on for size. Literally. Im the kind of girl who has to put on an outfit to know if its right for me. Even if its an epic dress with Lil Kims mugshot all over it. Ive lived my life the same way, trying on decisions and experiences even when the ensuing chaos felt like holy hell.

At every turn, Ive bucked expectations to live by my own rules. Ive pushed back against the hopes of my parents, against the recommendations of rehab facilities and mental hospitals, against the status quo of the fashion industry, and against the limitations of my own self-worth to create a wild, unconventional, and beautiful life. Tiki torches not included!

Thats not to say its been easy. My road to success, motherhood, and my own little corner of fame (notoriety?) has been anything but a straight line. Ive had my face busted in by a cop while handcuffed, sold fake drugs at a jungle rave in Puerto Rico, and gotten in my own damn way more times than I care to admit. Through the mistakes and hardships, the triumphs and failures, Ive learned a little something about controlling the chaos that seems to envelop me. Now, I harness its energy to serve my needs instead of letting it rule my life.

When someone first told me about the idea of chaos theorya mathematical theory stating that within the apparent randomness of chaotic systems there are underlying patterns that lead to a kind of organizationI thought, Holy shit, thats me! Listen, Im not one to espouse mathematical theories, but what Im learningthrough trial and erroris that doing things your own way is a sort of philosophy. I am my own complex, chaotic system, with a sense of purpose and order beneath what others perceive as disorder. Maybe you can relate. Ive fought the pull of negative feedback loops, and unhealthy and downright dangerous underlying patterns. But Ive finally been able to make some sense of the chaos, and that, my friends, has been key to changing everything.

For years, it felt like a struggle just to exist. I was a prisoner to substances until I finally got sober. But once I had to live in my brain without the haze of booze or drugs to ease my pain, I faced a new set of challenges with my mental health. For a long time, I was frustrated that I had to deal with these issues, and I resented the commitment and attention they required. I tried everything to feel better: meditation, twelve-step meetings, juice cleanses and vegan diets, yoga and vigorous exercise. I visited churches and gurus; I saw witches and the finest doctors in Manhattanall of whom treated me with a cocktail of elixirs. It was practically a full-time job. I was so desperate to feel better that I looked everywhere but inside myself.

Ive come to see that what makes me me is my strength to persevere, and to live at my fullest expression no matter the consequence. And that means I have to accept all of myself, even the parts that give me the hardest time. I understand now that my fearlessness and ability to take creative and professional risks probably originates in the same wild part of my brain that has gotten me into trouble. My spirit and my struggles are deeply intertwined, and I wouldnt want it any other way. Ultimately, Ive been able to achieve everything I have in my life by being unapologetically, unrelentingly myselfwhich is to say, a little bit fucking crazy. Even when I got pregnant at twenty-four. Even when I almost burned down my career. Even when it almost killed me.

There have been times Ive felt like a failure, but those are the moments that taught me what it takes to rebuild my life bigger and better. Like in 2017I literally had $5,000 in my bank account, and my business, Married to the Mob, was on the verge of collapse. My brand was my babyborn of my best creative ideas, frenzied years of hard work, and laughing in the face of everyone who told me I couldnt do it. But after thirteen years, the state of the business was dire. With nowhere to turn and nothing else to try, I listened to my gut andmiraculously, unbelievably, inexplicablyfound a way through the chaos to not only save my baby but to scale to new heights.

There have been times when circumstances totally outside of my control have challenged my grip on my sanitylike the pandemic that began in 2020. The isolation, the collective suffering, the polarization of our country, the closure of schools, and the devastation of New York City... the stress and worry became overwhelming. Then I lost my beloved grandmother and struggled to grieve her passing. And then there was the fact that I was on camera half the time filming The Real Housewives of New Yorkit was a lot to contend with, and lets be real: maintaining your sobriety while working with Ramona Singer is quite a task even under normal circumstances.

Like so many others, my mental health suffered, and I felt some of my familiar patterns and dangerous behaviors creep into my consciousness. I was suffering from panic attacks and pretending that I wasnt depressed. I felt the ground swell with chaotic energy, and it took everything I had to push through using the tools and wisdom Ive gained since the last time I almost lost control. Im not sure if Im even capturing how deep the struggle was. If youve dealt with mental health challenges or addiction, you know those moments are beyond intense, and it feels like theyll last forever. Youve got to hold on to your sanity like its a billionaire with a nine-inch dickto advocate for yourself, do what needs to be done, and never let go.

Some of the best advice I ever got came from the godfather of reality television, Andy Cohen. The day that RHONY season twelve was slated to air, my television debut, Andy called me. I was nervous to hear from him directly, but as it turned out, he was reaching out to congratulate me and to hype me up for the premiereand also to warn me. He said this was the opportunity of a lifetime, but how I handled it was up to me. Be wise, he said. He told me hes seen fame ruin peoples lives, and advised me to stay focused on the things that really matter in my life. It was excellent advice from a guy who has been around the block, or who has actually built the block.

Turns out Andy was right. Fame can be a tricky bitch. Im happy to say that for the most part, Ive done just as he suggested. During the craziest, wildest times when my life felt out of control, I was flailing and panicked as I searched for peace. But I didnt have to run from the discomfort. I would soon learn that tuning in to my instincts and trusting myself over the noise of the crowd would lead me exactly where I needed to go. I learned to trust that the order will appear within the seemingly endless chaos.

Some people thrive under intense conditions; they dial into their inner stillness and their productivity soars. Then there are people like me who create external chaos to distract themselves from the constant inner turmoil. I created chaos to distract myself from the discomfort of facing my fears, pain, disappointments, and anxiety. But when I finally got comfortable enough to live in my own head, I didnt need to create that distraction around me. Maybe when you stop trying to control the world, you can use that energy to thrive in it.