Day Schildkret - Hello, Goodbye : 75 Rituals for Times of Loss, Celebration, and Change

Hello, Goodbye

75 Rituals for Times of Loss, Celebration, and Change

Day Schildkret

Forword by Elena Brower

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Copyright 2022 by Day Schildkret

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Cover design by Patrick Sullivan

Tree trunk by Jon Helgason/Alamy

Nest illustration by Bob Venables

Author photograph Brooke Porter

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-1-9821-7093-6

ISBN 978-1-9821-7095-0 (ebook)

Quote from The Fellowship of the Ring on p. 395 reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd. 1955 J. R. R. Tolkien. Excerpts from Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer reprinted by permission of Milkweed Editions. Copyright 2013 by Robin Wall Kimmerer. Quote from Breaking the Watch: The Meanings of Retirement in America by Joel S. Savishinsky reprinted by permission of Cornell University Press. Copyright 2000 by Joel S. Savishinsky. Quotes from David Whyte reprinted by permission of Many Rivers Press. Copyright Many Rivers Press.

Names and identifying characteristics of some individuals have been changed.

To the last three years on the long road, and the many places and people who opened their hearts and homes.

And to this chapter of wandering coming to a close and the new unknown one just beginning.

W here am I? Who am I? Who are you? What do I do now? What was isnt any longer. Someone left. Someone arrived. Something broke. Something repaired. Life changed. Now, what can you do to mark this moment and find yourself again, to recognize that this is no longer that?

You and I are asking these questions now more than ever. What can we do to mark the often-unspoken moments our society urges us to ignore? Are we to simply pass them by, glossing over and moving on from the miscarriage, the breakup, the coming out, the move, the loss of a loved one, the healing of an illness? What about when we find a new love, a nourishing friendship, a job, a surge of creativity?

Instead of muscling our way through difficulty or numbing ourselves when things feel fantastic, what might help us pay attention and grant appropriate significance to these thresholds? How can we note these moments, learn from whats arduous, and honor holiness?

In 2016, there was a forty-eight-hour period between my moms entering the hospital and her sudden passing. Calling in wisdom from dear teachers and my rabbi, I created personal rituals for nearly every hour during that time. A tiny altar was arranged in the room where my son and I slept, in front of which I would sit whenever I wasnt at the hospital. From a lifetime of images, I crafted a digital altar in my phone. Then I made myself into an altar, wrapping myself in my moms scarves, her jewelry, her favorite shirts.

Standing at her kitchen sink during that time, staring at her yard and her garden, feeling her presence, taking immense, full breaths, I would whisper mantras to comfort myself, moving slowly to ensure that I would feel every ounce of grief as it moved through me in waves. Those breaths and chants, I now see, were rituals I used to find resilience and fortitude as she slipped away from me.

Since her death, I continue to create these informal sacred spaces where I have time to quietly connect with her; sometimes aloud, often silently. It takes only a few seconds of sitting still to hear the singsong way in which she would call my name from the bottom of the stairs. Often Ill put on a piece of her clothing in order to feel her energetically holding me, surrounding me.

Similarly, as a parent of a teenager, my aim is to give my son as much space as possible, even though I wish I could shrink him back down and fold him and his curls back into my arms. Some evenings Ill use the teacup he made in pottery class to drink my tea, a tiny ritual that helps me steady myself as my role in his life shifts, giving him much-needed solo time while tending to my own heart. Its the small things.

If youre sensing its your time to stop turning away and start venerating the shifts in consciousness you might be experiencing in your own life, this is your sign. No matter whats happening for you right now, the book you hold in your hands is here to help you pay attention, slow down, and listen differently.

Days first book, Morning Altars, illustrates his colossal capacity for alchemizing ordinary bits of nature into an experience of quiet, prodigious respect. Hello, Goodbye takes this element of transformation to another stratosphere, elevating each moment to new relevance. Day steeps us in ancient understandings, inspiring us to cultivate conscious rapture and true respect with each suggestion. He reminds us that there are simple, profound ways to manage and mark the moments in time that seem small but mean the most.

Day reminds us to stop and recognize that something is happening. To feel. To create distinctions. To be discerning. To remember. To grieve. To heal. To begin again. To know that our heartbreak is actually a form of love, worth our reverence.

Elena Brower

Santa Fe, New Mexico

June 2021

You say goodbye and I say hello.

LennonMcCartney

T his book is a child of change. Its first words were conceived at the onset of a global pandemic. Chapters formed as markets crashed, unemployment skyrocketed, and uncertainty descended on the world like a thick fog. I pursued the writing even as I anxiously watched the ground fall out from under memy mothers lockdown in her memory-care facility, my grandmothers COVID infection and hospitalization, and all of my employment vanishing within one week. Its certainly ironic to write a book on marking change while swimming or sometimes even flailing in its abyss.