Adrienne Herbert - Power Hour

As well as hosting the weekly Power Hour podcast, Adrienne Herbert is a leading wellness professional, TEDx speaker and a voice of inspiration, encouragement and motivation. Adrienne delivers talks and workshops to some of the worlds largest organisations and she regularly hosts live events and panel discussions. She has partnered with brands such as Adidas, Origins, Virgin Sport, Google and Apple and has been featured in ELLE magazine and the Telegraph, as well as being named a New Face of Wellness by British VOGUE.

To anyone who knows they can do more, achieve more and become more.

Sometimes, it feels as though Ive talked about nothing else but the Power Hour for the last few years. My morning Power Hour was born in January 2017, and Ill admit I am the kind of person who loves that new-year-new-start energy. I also love lists and I love making plans, so I always have a paper diary in which I write down my goals and aspirations for the year ahead. In January 2017, I found myself desperately in need of a new start. The previous year had been a tough one and I had reached that place where change is born out of necessity. When youre at an all-time low, it can feel overwhelming to think about your big life plan, especially when your life has swerved in a completely different direction to the one you had in mind. At that time, my vision and dream were to create and nurture a big family. My son, Jude, was five years old, and my husband and I had been trying to fall pregnant again since Judes second birthday. My husband and I had always wanted to have children right from the start we agreed wed have at least three, maybe even four. So after almost three years of trying everything, I found myself feeling frustrated, angry and hopeless.

What do you do when it seems like nothing is going to plan? I believe that you must know when to start, when to continue and when to stop. Trust me when I say wed done all we could, and eventually after lots of discussions, research, doctors appointments and tests we decided that our best chance of having another baby would be IVF treatment. If youre reading this and youve never had IVF, Im sure youve probably heard of it, and you might even have friends who have gone through it. And if youre reading this having gone through it yourself, then I salute you. You deserve a fucking medal. For me, IVF treatment proved that humans are capable of enduring just about anything when theyre desperate. Perhaps I didnt see it at the time, but when I look back now, I realise that is exactly how I felt throughout the entire process desperate. I was desperate for our son to have a sibling to grow up and make memories with. I was desperate to be part of the conversation at baby swimming with my mates who were expecting baby number two. I was desperate to have an answer whenever someone asked me when we were going to have another child. I was desperate to give my husband good news, instead of seeing the disappointment and heartbreak on his face every time I came out of the bathroom with another negative pregnancy test. For almost three years I prayed, I cried, I waited and I remained hopeful.

When we started IVF, I felt conflicted. (And not just because of the insane amount of hormones that you have to inject into your body on a daily basis throughout the treatment.) My head was telling me that this would definitely work; the specialists knew what they were doing after all, and I was young and healthy so there was no reason why it wouldnt work. I told myself that my mind would influence my body and so I needed to truly believe the treatment was going to work. To be honest, I dont think I would have been able to endure the physical and emotional challenges of the treatment if I hadnt had faith that it was going to be successful. I had to convince myself that it would all be worth it. I know many women who have had IVF treatment and I think they would agree with me its the only way you can get through it. But, on the other hand, my heart was cautious and afraid. How would I cope if it didnt work? This felt like our last resort, and we knew we couldnt afford to pay for another round of treatment if it failed. I felt like my entire lifes happiness was dependent on this.

To say it was an emotional rollercoaster would make it sound a lot more fun than it actually was, but after weeks of painful procedures and emotional torture, we finally left the fertility clinic with the good news. Yes, it had worked I was pregnant! I remember every single minute of that car journey home. I was so excited, my mind racing to imagine the year ahead. I pictured myself with a big belly again, and I thought about telling Jude he would have a baby brother or sister. I wanted this for him just as much if not more than I wanted it for myself. I dont think you can compare the relationship you have with a sibling to anything else, and its difficult for me to imagine my life without mine. And since Id been daydreaming about this precise moment for the last three years, I already had a long list of potential names. I could pretty much imagine the babys face. So with each day that passed, we began to relax and celebrate as we told our family and a handful of close friends. We decided wed wait a few more weeks before telling Jude (five-year-olds are notoriously bad at keeping secrets and I knew hed probably announce it to his whole class the first chance he got).

We never told Jude the news. Less than four weeks later, I was woken up by pain and stomach cramps. I knew something wasnt right, but I tried to ignore it and pretend everything was fine. My husband went to work, I took Jude to school and as I walked back home I prayed that the pain would go away. But by midday I was in agony and I could no longer ignore it. I knew what was happening: I was having a miscarriage. Wed waited so long for this baby, and in one afternoon, along with the joy and the hope, it was all gone. We all have to face painful experiences sadly, no one is exempt from adversity, setbacks, failure, heartbreak, grief or loss. Some have to face a lot more than others and there is no justification for the amount of suffering some people endure in one lifetime. We each have a story, and this is just a small part of mine.

Even though I didnt know it then, this difficult time in my life would change everything. At that point, it felt like I couldnt have the one thing I wanted more than anything else but I also knew I couldnt carry on relentlessly pursuing my dream of having more children, to the detriment of everything else in my life. My marriage, my finances, my friendships and most importantly my outlook were all being negatively impacted. I felt jealous of friends who were having babies, and I felt angry when they complained about the sleepless nights. I had a constant feeling of guilt that Jude was an only child. I couldnt understand how or why this was happening. What was the purpose? Was it supposed to teach me something? Hard as I looked, I couldnt find a silver lining the disappointment was crushing, and I was heartbroken and angry at God. I felt incredibly grateful to have Jude and I was reminded of that every time I heard him call me Mummy, but that didnt take away the feeling of sadness underneath it all. When I looked ahead to the future, I could no longer envision the life Id dreamed of. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when youre lying face down on the ground. Back then my mind was fixed and I believed that any alternative future would only ever be second best.