Whitney Capps - Sick of Me: from Transparency to Transformation

Copyright 2019 by Whitney Capps

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

978-1-4627-9288-7

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Dewey Decimal Classification: 248.84

Subject Heading: SELF-IMPROVEMENT \ CHRISTIAN LIFE \ DISCIPLESHIP

Cover design by Matt Lehman. Cover photo Kristen Curette Hines / Stocksy. Author photo Lindsey Plevyak.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture is taken from the New International Version ( niv ), copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica.

Also used: English Standard Version ( esv ), ESV Text Edition: 2016. Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

Also used: Christian Standard Bible ( csb ), copyright 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible and CSB are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

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To J. N. Posey whose love of words lives on. And to H. T. Henderson whose life preaches still.

Acknowledgments

F irst, to my husband, Chad. You are the best gift Ive ever been given. You have always been my protector in every way. You saved me from myself more times than I can count. You said no when everyone else wanted me to say yes. So when you said yes, I believed you, and for the first time believed that God might actually use me to write a book. You let me dream crazy dreams and then figure out a way to make them happen. You have never, ever complained that this was Gods call for my life and yours. You have led faithfully. You serve without fail. And you never let me quit. I love you more than words.

To my four boys, Cooper, Dylan, Ryder, and Tate. Your grace to your limping-along, less-than mom is staggering. Thank you for never making me feel guilty when I say yes to God. I pray that the Lord multiplies my prayers, efforts, and ministry to you. You are my most favorite assignment. I will love you forever and like you for always.

Mom and Dad, there arent words. Your investment, support, and belief in me is indescribable and incalculable. You are Jesus with skin on. I know what sacrifice for the kingdom looks like because of both of you. Dad, its an honor to be your girl. Mom, thanks for setting the bar so high. Love you more.

Mimi and Papa, thank you for loving me by loving the boys when I couldnt be there. You gave me your best gift first in Chad, and now you are helping shape our boys into men just like him. Im so, so grateful. Brad and Meradith, thanks for making me laugh and keeping me sane. You are treasures.

Evan Posey, thanks for being my theological review and my first, best friend. Being your sister is one of my favorite titles. And Leslie-Ann Posey, thanks for saying yes to Ev and our family. You are perfect in every way.

To Krista Williams, you are the gift I didnt deserve and the one that I couldnt live or do ministry without. Your wisdom has changed and saved me more times than I can count. I honestly, honestly cant believe that my mentor is one of my best friends. Thelma and Louise, forever.

To Lysa TerKeurst, its not hyperbole to say Im in ministry because of you. Thanks for believing in me and never, ever letting me quit (even when I wanted to). Thanks for letting me watch you do ministry for over a decade. It is one of the greatest privileges of my life.

To my ministry girls. Emily Vogeltanz, in my life, youre not the fine print. Your impact deserves to be in big, bold letters. Thanks for being my person and always making me look more like Jesus because Ive been with you. Lindsey Smith, youre the friend my heart needed long before I knew it, and yet you were right on time. I love your heart and your mind. Nicki Koziarz, youve made me wiser and better. Im so grateful that you let me be your friend. Wendy Blight, Leah DiPascal, and Wendy Pope, thanks for praying me through. I love yall so much.

To the girls who loved me for me, Kristen Lynch, Ashley Atkins, Sarah Ferguson, Lori Cher, Christina Sabo, Kelly Hensley, and Monica Blackstock. Too much to say, too much to be grateful for. Yall mean the world.

To my small group girls, Joyce DeJong, Kelsey Hays, Nicole Huff, Dana Jackson, Evie Kellett, and Cassie Singleton. Thanks for giving me your Thursday nights. Its truly life-giving. Im better because of each of you. And this book wouldnt exist without your prayers.

To my Crosspointe family, you grew me up and sent me off. Thanks for letting me test-drive all my stuff on you. You are the best people around, and you make the bride look beautiful. Betty Matthews, you held my hand the whole way, and Im so grateful.

To all my Proverbs 31 team, what a privilege to do ministry with each of you. Thanks for representing Jesus so well.

And to B&H and LifeWay, thanks for taking a chance on this girl. Im still quite shocked and yet, tearfully glad.

Sick of Me

I m sick of me.

I went to lunch with a girlfriend not long ago, and thats what I said. And I meant it. Im so, so tired of thinking about me. Id like to tell you that Im not that self-absorbed, but the truth is, I am. And Im sick of it.

A lot of it is superficial and temporal. What do people think of me? Why does she have friends and invitations I dont? Why cant I lose the squishiness that makes my favorite jeans feel like they are literally squeezing the life right out of me? Whats so wrong with me that other women can create change or peace or joy or the perfect Pinterest-worthy life, but I cant? All of that surface stuff is there.

But honestly, more than some of my me preoccupation is spiritual. Im tired of thinking about my purpose. Im worn out trying to live like who I am in Christ. Im exhausted by the endless pursuit to be the best version of me, but stuck with the very ordinary, still struggling version of me. And when I double down my efforts and strive to be better than I am, live my best life and change, Im met with books and sermons that deal with more me-ness.

I am a victorious, daughter of the most High God, called to let go of her crippling anxiety and perfectionism. A woman who ought to live loved and accepted and whole.

These are good (some of them brilliant) lessons that are beneficial. They just arent helping me. What is wrong with me? And there it is again. Me. Her. Self. And thats part of my problem, even my good, Bible-study girl intentions and efforts are kind of all about me. What did I get out of it? What is my takeaway? What does this passage say about me?

What Ive been doing isnt working. I want to grow spiritually; in fact, I think Im desperate to. I buy the books, do the Bible studies, listen to all the podcasts, and strive for biblical community; but its just not making a difference. Im trying. I really, really am.

And I bet you are too. Ive met you. Ive talked with you. I suspect your reading list looks like mine. I imagine youve tried all the same stuff I have. I imagine we read similar devotions, use some of the same apps, pin the same images, and share the same quotes. I suspect our friendships are made of similar stuff.

Now maybe you arent sick of you, or perhaps you wouldnt put it that way. Maybe youre just discouraged. Or, do you wonder why your life doesnt feel easy and light? Perhaps youve sensed, like me that despite all your spiritual striving, something feels off in a way you cant quite describe. I get it. I really do. And I get the frustration. The inability to put into words whats wrong.

(Something isnt right, but Im not sure what.)

If I had to sum it up, Id say this. For all our best efforts, we dont look dramatically more like Jesus today than we did yesterday. We arent growing more spiritually mature. We may know a bit more, but our lives dont bear the difference. I have countless lists and tips for better marriages, friendships, and finances. But do I really, truly look more like Jesus?