It was twelve on an ordinary Saturday night when I woke suddenly in a dreadful panic, sweating and shaking. I sat up in bed in the silence of the bedroom that my wife, Lauren, and I share. The feeling was so intense I expected to find something terrible had happened, as if my subconscious knew something I didnt. But all was quiet.
It was such an odd moment that I woke Lauren and tried to explain it to her, but there wasnt much to explain. It was like my heart had rung the alarm bells for no reason. Finally, after a while of trying to calm down, I fell back asleep.
The next day, a vague feeling that something was wrong lingered. That afternoon we took our sons apple picking in the mountains west of our city, Richmond, Virginia. The orchards had the stunning beauty of late September. We ate apple cider donuts, and my wife and I watched the boys run around the trees. It should have been perfectbut I was only half there. It was like my emotions were wearing sunglasses; everything had a shade of nervousness.
That night, the same thing happened, but this time I never fell back asleep. I spent Monday at the office like a zombie, hunched over papers and traveling back and forth from my desk to the terrible single-serve coffee machine. The fear was starting to work through me like a virus. I dreaded the moment when I would have to lie back down that night with my panicked thoughts.
When I did, it all started again.
So it was that I ended up in the emergency room at three in the morning, looking at a doctor who half-apologetically told me nothing was wrong. I was just showing symptoms of clinical anxiety and panic attacks. He assured meas if it were comfortingthat these were very common. I couldnt believe what I was hearing.
Everything Is Fine, Everything Is Falling Apart
I couldnt believe it because as far as I knew, I wasnt stressed or worried about anything. Actually, everything seemed to be going really well. After studying English literature at the University of Virginia and marrying my wonderful wife, we spent a few years living in China as missionaries. I loved living there, and we would have stayed even longer, except that one day I saw something that changed the way I viewed the world. I was taking a walk on a pedestrian street, and in the space of ten minutes, I came across someone dealing drugs, someone running a brothel, someone selling stolen laptops, and someone protesting the government.
Except for the political protest, all of those were normal in China. In my four years there, I had never seen a protest, and I would never see one again. I watched as she unfurled a sign that said, The judicial system in China is broken, the people in the countryside are being oppressedshe was arrested so quickly that I never read the rest of it.
As I walked away, I reflected on how all four of those things were illegal, but three of them were considered to be legitimate ways to make money. And out of the four, only one was a brave act of love for neighborpunishable by arrest.
That was the day I realized the power that law and business have in shaping the world, and I felt a tremendous sense of calling. I felt the Lord telling me that if I wanted to follow him, I should do it in those arenas. Thats where he wanted me to be a missionary. And I listened. So Lauren and I moved to Washington, DC, where I went to Georgetown Law and Lauren began her career in philanthropy consulting.
During this time, our oldest two sons, Whit and Asher, were born. After graduating at the top of my class at Georgetown, I landed a job as a mergers and acquisitions attorney at the best big law firm in Richmond. All my best friends and family lived in Richmond, so we moved down there to live happily ever afteror so I thought.
I was thrilled with life that summer. I grew an enormous beard (convincing my wife that I would have to shave it as soon as I started at the law firm), bought a vintage BMW motorcycle (convincing my wife that it would be a convenient mode of transport), and spent all my time when I wasnt studying for the bar exam either working out or playing with my sons (Lauren needed no convincing on this one).
In short, life was going greatexcept for one thing. I was tired. Really tired. In my years since graduating from college, I had tackled all of life with a voracious hunger. I wanted to be good at everything I did. I spent my years in China up early studying Mandarin and up late hanging out with fellow missionaries and Chinese friends.
In law school, my life became an endless series of calendar alerts, appointments, rsum-building activities, and studying late into the night. But we were all like that, so nothing about it seemed strange. I remember at the bar exam telling my friends Id had trouble sleeping the night before the test, and they all looked at me strangely; apparently I was the only one who hadnt brought sleeping pills.
Being overwhelmed by ambition was a way of life in law school, so I went along with it. I thought that was how you got to be a top law student, got the big firm jobs, and became a successful young lawyerby saying yes to everything and no to nothing.
So I was way too busy, totally overcommitted, and living with a chaotic, packed schedule. But I thought I was different because I had a calling. After I saw that protester arrested, I had become consumed with the idea of how important law and economics are in shaping the culture we live infor better or for worse.