David Robert-john - Our Gay Son: A Christian Fathers Search for Truth

Our Gay Son

A Christian Fathers Search for Truth

David Robert-John

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2012 by David Robert-John. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

All Scripture quotations in this publication are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

First published by AuthorHouse 01/04/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4678-8599-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4678-8598-0 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author wishes to express his gratitude to the following organisations for kind permission to quote extracts from their publications:

The Royal College of Psychiatrists (Submission to the Church of Englands Listening Exercise on Human Sexuality).

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/Submission%20to%20the%20Church%20of%20England.pdf

InterVarsity Press (Walking with Gay FriendsAlex Tylee)

The Lutterworth Press ( Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic - Dr. Elizabeth R. Moberly )

Contents

To my three children, in particular my gay son. I shall always be indebted to you for what you have taught me.

Also

to my wife, whose love gives me the will to carry on.

Grateful thanks are due to four people in particular:

Helen Collins , for her constant encouragement and her suggestion that the original book be split into two, this book and the sequel Homosexuality: The Bible on Trial .

Roderick Thomson , a colleague at my last school for his interest, advice and support.

David Stokes , another colleague at the same school, who checked the manuscript for mistakes (he found many). Unfortunately, when amending my script, I had new inspiration, added further material and changed other parts. Any errors that crept in at this late stage are entirely my responsibility.

David Callaghan for his invaluable help with the intricacies of Microsoft Word.

This book was written originally as a cathartic exercise. Perhaps I needed some way in which I could communicate things to my son that are not easy to say face to face. I also needed to become clear in my own mind about the journey that I had made and the point at which I had arrived.

Once I had started to write, however, the project became an obsession and I wrote far more than I had originally intended. Friends who read some of the early parts encouraged me to carry on and later to publish the complete book. This is the result, though it describes only the first part of the journey that I made. The rest of the story is told in a follow-up book.

When I had finished, both my wife and son were persuaded to write short contributions and share their own experiences of a journey that, in a sense, we made together, even if at times we seemed to be travelling along different paths. I learned a great deal from what they wrote: my sons perception of the person that I was differed greatly from the person that I thought I was. I hope that their contributions have helped to provide a more complete and balanced picture.

In its final form, it is intended first and foremost for any parent struggling to come to terms with having a gay child and particularly those of religious persuasion. It should also be of special interest to all those concerned about the debate on homosexuality within the Anglican Church as well as to anyone whose religious beliefs condemn homosexuality.

David Robert-John (December 2011)

Boxing Day (December 26), 2005, is a day that will be forever etched in my memory. It is the day that my wife and I received the news that was to turn our lives upside down. We had had no premonition of the dramatic event that was about to unfold. Our three grown-up children were at home for the short Christmas break and they had been out until late the previous evening, catching up with old school friends. For that reason we were not expecting them to surface until later that morning. These days, our Jack Russell dog was all that we normally had to worry about. She was an early riser and had trained her owners to fit in with her lifestyle.

We were very contented parents, proud and grateful that our children had safely negotiated the turbulent teenage years and had gone on to exceed all our expectations at university. They could now boast of having better qualifications than I had managed to acquire nearly forty years earlier, although I insisted that this was because standards were no longer what they used to be. Nevertheless it is a significant point in a childs life if they are able to achieve this happy position.

Meanwhile, we were trying to adjust to the fact that they all lived some distance away and were no longer dependent on us. Occasional and fleeting visits were now all that we were able to count on. My wife found this more difficult than I did. She is Peruvian and in the community in which she grew up, children left home only when they got married. Our children had been brought up in a different country, they belonged to a more modern generation and marriage seemed a long way from their thoughts. My wife, who already had grandchildren on her mind, had been obliged to put her dreams on hold for the time being.

We had spent the previous day at the house of my elder brother, an Anglican vicar, and his wife. They lived an hours drive away, but they had the advantage of living in a modern parsonage with enough room to accommodate all of our extended family, and some friends besides, for Christmas dinner. The day had passed in an atmosphere of happiness and tranquillity, although trying to recreate the magic of Christmas without the presence of young children is a rather difficult challenge. Appearances, however, can be deceptive, as we were very shortly to discover. Within twenty-four hours our world was to fall apart and one of our most cherished dreams would lie in ruins. We were, without being aware of the fact, experiencing the last day of peace and contentment that we were to know for a very long time.

Like most mothers, my wife found it difficult to accept that her children had become adults and she fretted perpetually about their wellbeing. Of particular concern was the idea that they would not be eating properly now that they were no longer getting regular doses of her delicious, though always health-conscious meals. Her mind was focussed on the breakfast she was waiting to prepare for them, and also probably on the evening meal, because that would be her last chance to stave off malnutrition for a little while longer. The fact that they might still be digesting the previous days ample supply of food did not seem to occur to her, nor the fact that they had been looking after themselves perfectly well ever since leaving home to go to university some years earlier.