Pippa Wilson - Letting Go of Ed: A Guide to Recovering from Your Eating Disorder

Pippa Wilson is a writer and book editor. She lives in Kent, England, with her husband and son.

You can find out more on her website,
www.eatingdisorders-recovery.com

Thank you to Ally, for his patience and support; to Anna, for her wisdom and guidance; to Laura, for her faith and fairy-godmothering; to Tracy, for her enthusiasm and belief; to Emily, for her humor and spirit; to Emma, for her encouragement and ideas; and to George, for simply being.

Thirty years ago, one cold December evening, my mother kissed goodnight her newborn baby, never suspecting that would be their last moment together, never knowing that a new chapter was about to open in her tiny daughters life, one of loss and loneliness.

Thirty years later, the wheel came full circle. After so many years of searching and longing and grieving, I discovered a mothers love at last in the reflection of my newborn babys eyes.

Because as this book grew, so did I. The body Id once thought was ugly and weak and useless blossomed into a cocoon for a dancing, wiggling, kicking little person. And I discovered a strength I never thought existed within me the day I brought my son into the world.

I felt happy, at peace, complete. But just months later I found myself standing on the edge of an abyss, looking down.

My son, my gorgeous George, fell suddenly and gravely ill with a brain infection. All I had ever wanted for my child was that he would grow up safe in my love, untouched by the kind of pain and fear Id known as a child. And now my baby was in agony and terrified, and I couldnt make it all better for him. I stood by, desperate and helpless, as neurosurgeons operated on his brain. And then I spent many weeks living with him in a London hospital ward while drugs battled his infection.

Within a few days of his surgery, George was fine in himself again: smiling, laughing, cuddling. And I smiled and laughed and cuddled him back, but inside it felt like something was breaking.

There was no time or space for me to deal with the feelings that kept threatening to overwhelm me: the terror, the shock, the sadness, the anger. I was miles from home, I was getting very little sleep and I was living on snack food from the hospital shop. Unsurprisingly, it wasnt long before Ed began tapping on my shoulder with promises to be there for me, to support me, to make the feelings less painful, to make the experience less terrible, to give me control in a world of chaos.

This was the biggest test to my recovery Id encountered, and at first I was terrified. But as I sat with my fear, it melted away and was replaced with a sense of calm. I was aware of Eds voice, but somehow it didnt interest me. I didnt need to struggle with myself and battle not to give into Ed. Instead, I felt a lovely, gentle voice inside reassure me that everything would be okay, that it was all right to feel rather than run from my feelings, and that I didnt deserve to hurt myself over my son being hurt. I knew then that I didnt need Ed to help me through this. I could do it myself.

And I did. My son healed, and I healed, and life, happily, went on.

And Ed remained nothing more than a memory on the pages of this book.

In recent years public awareness of eating disorders has greatly increased. Thanks to media hype and the sheer prevalence of Ed, these days just about everyone recognizes the term eating disorder and has a rough idea of what it means. But therein lies the problem: these rough ideas are often rather muddled and inaccurate. So lets start with the basics. What exactly is an eating disorder?

Relating (to) the story of Ed

Move over Cinderella, theres a new fairy tale in town: the story of Ed...

Once upon a time there was a girl who was going through a really tough time. She was angry, scared, lonely, sad and hurt. She needed someone, something, anything to help her, to rescue her, to take away the pain and make her feel safer, calmer. But the girl was all alone: she was sure that no one saw her pain, no one understood, no one could help her. She became desperate; she just couldnt cope. She didnt know what to do, where to turn.

But then, one day, the girl met Ed. Ed was exciting and new. Ed seemed to care about her and want to help. Quickly, the girl and Ed became firm friends.

In some ways, Ed was good to the girl. Ed was faithful, loyal and consistent. Ed was there for the girl whenever she felt sad, lonely, angry or lost. Ed was reassuring and calming. Ed helped the girl cope with her feelings and made the pain more bearable. Ed made the girl feel wonderfully empty and numb.

But the girl soon discovered that Ed had a dark side. Ed could be cruel, manipulative, controlling and domineering. Ed was uncaring, destructive, hurtful and poisonous. Ed was possessive and jealous, and held on tightly. Ed made the girl feel desperate, lonely and ill. Ed was not edifying company.

The girl developed a love-hate relationship with Ed. She loved Ed, but hated Ed; needed Ed, but wanted to get away from Ed.

As time went on, the girl became more and more unhappy having Ed in her life. She began to argue with Ed and struggle to break free from the friendship, but she kept finding herself drawn back into Eds welcoming embrace. Ed and the girl went round and round in dizzying circles, dancing a fiery tango, pulling away and then moving intimately close. Although the girl wanted to let go, she just couldnt seem to get out of Eds clutches.

The girls friend had become her foe.

This was my story, and yours is no doubt similar. Ed is your friend, your confidante, your savior and, ultimately, your enemy.

Seeing how eating disorders work

So how do you get sucked into the world of Ed? Well, eating disorders follow the same pattern...

1. You struggle with your feelings. You may be very angry, scared or sad. Your feelings overwhelm you and you desperately need to find a way to cope. You feel isolated and frustrated that you cant control how youre feeling. You feel angry with your feelings and with yourself for not managing them better. You just want these feelings to disappear.

2. You want to get control. Inside your body are all these horrible feelings that you cant control. When you look in the mirror these feelings manifest in your reflection. You hate the way you look. You feel ugly, fat, unlovable. You think that if you could just control your body, youd feel better inside. You start to fantasize about being thinner, fitter, more toned.

3. You start off with normal changes. You may weigh yourself more often, make weight-loss plans and go on a diet. You start small, with little changes that are okay to the outside world. You find you enjoy your new direction.

4. You take your first step across the line. You decide to take things to the next level. Tentatively, you try out a behavior that you know isnt entirely healthy. You may start skipping meals, eating less and less or more and more, pushing your body harder at the gym, taking laxatives or vomiting. Soon, this new behavior becomes the norm: something you feel comfortable doing.

5. You add on more and more behaviors. You like the powerful feeling your behavior gives you; the sense of control and mastery over your body; the distraction the behavior provides from your feelings. You feel like youve found the magic answer, the way to numb those horrid feelings. You move faster and faster into the eating disorder, trying new behaviors, seeing how far you can take your mind, your body. You push the boundaries. How long can you go without food? How many chips can you eat in one sitting? How often can you vomit? How many miles can you do on the treadmill?